Relationship My husband left

Hey everyone!
I hope some can give me some advice on what to do. My husband of 2 years has a severe child sexual abuse history by a male friend. He’s also in the military. Two weeks ago he left because “he’s a bad person, I can find someone better and he can deal with the thoughts in his head if he’s alone” He’s never out right said he wanted a divorce but he did tell me that he didn’t want to be with my and that he’d stopped loving me while I was visiting family 4 weeks ago. During that trip he was texting me that he loved me, missed me and would never do anything to jeopardize our marriage. Now that he’s gone we don’t talk about anything other than our house (were in the process of moving) or other reasons to contact each other. I should mention that we just moved to a new duty station 2 months ago and a week after we got here is grandpa he was very close to died. Our whole marriage he’s always been very in love with me, always talking about “his wife” even when I was standing right there and his friends would always tell me how much he would talk about me when he was away from me too. Since he left I’ve been reading everything I can regarding supporting someone with ptsd. I’ve made so many mistakes that I didn’t even know I was making. He always acted “normal” for the most part and would only bring things up on occasion. Before the split he brought it to my attention that he thought about the abuse daily. I had no idea at the time what I was supposed to be doing to support him. I didn’t know the problem was that bad. He now no longer talks to family, old friends and has deleted part of his social media. There are two sexual abuse victims in his family and one in mine. I’ve talked to all 3 of them for advise and was told to write him a letter explaining how I never knew what he was going through, how sorry I am about what happened to him and how I’m not giving up or leaving him..that I’m going to fight for our marriage. They also suggested I text him weekly to tell him that I’m here for him and that I love him.
Any advise would be greatly appreciated!
thank you so much!
 

woodsy1

MyPTSD Pro
Hey everyone!
I hope some can give me some advice on what to do. My husband of 2 years has a severe child sexual abuse history by a male friend. He’s also in the military. Two weeks ago he left because “he’s a bad person, I can find someone better and he can deal with the thoughts in his head if he’s alone” He’s never out right said he wanted a divorce but he did tell me that he didn’t want to be with my and that he’d stopped loving me while I was visiting family 4 weeks ago. During that trip he was texting me that he loved me, missed me and would never do anything to jeopardize our marriage. Now that he’s gone we don’t talk about anything other than our house (were in the process of moving) or other reasons to contact each other. I should mention that we just moved to a new duty station 2 months ago and a week after we got here is grandpa he was very close to died. Our whole marriage he’s always been very in love with me, always talking about “his wife” even when I was standing right there and his friends would always tell me how much he would talk about me when he was away from me too. Since he left I’ve been reading everything I can regarding supporting someone with ptsd. I’ve made so many mistakes that I didn’t even know I was making. He always acted “normal” for the most part and would only bring things up on occasion. Before the split he brought it to my attention that he thought about the abuse daily. I had no idea at the time what I was supposed to be doing to support him. I didn’t know the problem was that bad. He now no longer talks to family, old friends and has deleted part of his social media. There are two sexual abuse victims in his family and one in mine. I’ve talked to all 3 of them for advise and was told to write him a letter explaining how I never knew what he was going through, how sorry I am about what happened to him and how I’m not giving up or leaving him..that I’m going to fight for our marriage. They also suggested I text him weekly to tell him that I’m here for him and that I love him.
Any advise would be greatly appreciated!
thank you so much!
Hello @Iwannahelp316,

PTSD sucks. Both for him and for you. I'm so sorry for what you are both going through. Neither of you deserves to have your present life disturbed by what someone did to one of you in the past.

People just don't know how far the reach of their abuse goes.

It has touched your life for the worse. But there is hope. There is healing. You can get through this.

There's a great group of folks here who will listen and can relate to you.

Woodsy1
 
Hello @Iwannahelp316,

PTSD sucks. Both for him and for you. I'm so sorry for what you are both going through. Neither of you deserves to have your present life disturbed by what someone did to one of you in the past.

People just don't know how far the reach of their abuse goes.

It has touched your life for the worse. But there is hope. There is healing. You can get through this.

There's a great group of folks here who will listen and can relate to you.

Woodsy1
I honestly had no idea. He’d occasionally talk about it if he (on rare occasion) got drunk on liquor. He’d always tell me that I had no idea what he’s been through and no idea what goes on in his head but it only happened maybe twice. I want to understand him and actually be there this time. There are so many things I wish I would’ve done the first time around. I used to get upset when he didn’t want to be hugged or touched because I thought he was losing attraction for me. I had no idea.
 
Ok... practical supporter stuff here.

Is the move still on?
Yes it is. We (now I) have been in a hotel for two months waiting for our house to be available. The house will be ready for move in this week. He’s signing for it and moving the large items out of our storage unit while I’m at work. I think he prefers not to see me. I’ll be moving in alone this week.

Ok... practical supporter stuff here.

Is the move still on?
I should add he’s now living with a friend that he met here (who knows nothing about his past) and is letting me have the house that we were supposed to move into.
 

woodsy1

MyPTSD Pro
I honestly had no idea. He’d occasionally talk about it if he (on rare occasion) got drunk on liquor. He’d always tell me that I had no idea what he’s been through and no idea what goes on in his head but it only happened maybe twice. I want to understand him and actually be there this time.
It's so hard to wait in the difficult times. So many thoughts go through our heads, emotions through our hearts. I have to remember, "one day at a time, woodsy, one day."
There are so many things I wish I would’ve done the first time around. I used to get upset when he didn’t want to be hugged or touched because I thought he was losing attraction for me. I had no idea.
I used to know someone who always said, "Shoulda, coulda, woulda, never dida get a anything done." Lol. But there's some truth to it in that we can't change the past. We can change tomorrow though.

It will be hard. There will be a lot of disappointments along the way, some good times too. It may not turn out how we think now. But it will turn out. We will get through.

I'm sure he loves your attention... when he can handle it. Other times ANY attention might put him in an ugly place so deep and dark he just can't handle it and will have to get alone for a while.

We learn coping skills as time goes on. I've learned a few in therapy that are helping. This group is great for that.

Hang in there. Take a slow, deap breath. Find the good in one day at a time.

And when you need us, we're here.

Woodsy1
 
It's so hard to wait in the difficult times. So many thoughts go through our heads, emotions through our hearts. I have to remember, "one day at a time, woodsy, one day."

I used to know someone who always said, "Shoulda, coulda, woulda, never dida get a anything done." Lol. But there's some truth to it in that we can't change the past. We can change tomorrow though.

It will be hard. There will be a lot of disappointments along the way, some good times too. It may not turn out how we think now. But it will turn out. We will get through.

I'm sure he loves your attention... when he can handle it. Other times ANY attention might put him in an ugly place so deep and dark he just can't handle it and will have to get alone for a while.

We learn coping skills as time goes on. I've learned a few in therapy that are helping. This group is great for that.

Hang in there. Take a slow, deap breath. Find the good in one day at a time.

And when you need us, we're here.

Woodsy1
I keep trying to give myself hope that the letter will help explain things to him and that he’s just taking space and that he’ll come home. I worry that he’s spending so much time with these friends that he’s known a couple months and has completely thrown away his family. Do they ever realize they need their loved ones?
 

Justmehere

Moderator
I’ve talked to all 3 of them for advise and was told to write him a letter explaining how I never knew what he was going through, how sorry I am about what happened to him and how I’m not giving up or leaving him..that I’m going to fight for our marriage. They also suggested I text him weekly to tell him that I’m here for him and that I love him.
Any advise would be greatly appreciated!
thank you so much!
I have PTSD but I'm not military, so take that into consideration. I think this is good input. A simple and clear letter expressing your heart that he can read in his own timing may be helpful to him. It may also not help him, but help you know you communicated what you needed to say to him. In the letter, I'd suggest asking him what could be most supportive and *maybe* offering a couple of options as a starting place.
He’s never out right said he wanted a divorce but he did tell me that he didn’t want to be with my and that he’d stopped loving me while I was visiting family 4 weeks ago. During that trip he was texting me that he loved me, missed me and would never do anything to jeopardize our marriage.
What was the context of him saying he wouldn't do anything to jeopardize the marriage? I'm wondering why he texted this during a time he later said was the time frame he fell out of love - to then later say this:
Two weeks ago he left because “he’s a bad person, I can find someone better and he can deal with the thoughts in his head if he’s alone”
Did he provide additional reason to believe this is trauma related? It all very well could be. It also may not be. There could be other issues going on.
 
I have PTSD but I'm not military, so take that into consideration. I think this is good input. A simple and clear letter expressing your heart that he can read in his own timing may be helpful to him. It may also not help him, but help you know you communicated what you needed to say to him. In the letter, I'd suggest asking him what could be most supportive and *maybe* offering a couple of options as a starting place.

What was the context of him saying he wouldn't do anything to jeopardize the marriage? I'm wondering why he texted this during a time he later said was the time frame he fell out of love - to then later say this:

Did he provide additional reason to believe this is trauma related? It all very well could be. It also may not be. There could be other issues going on.
There have been a few issues in the past with other girls. No cheating that I’m aware of but he’s done a few things that were disrespectful to me which caused some trust issues. While I was gone I didn’t hear from him one night and questioned him about it. That’s when he said that he loved me and would never do anything to jeopardize our marriage.

During our last conversation before he left when I was still in the pleading phase I asked him what id done for this to be happening. He told me that it had nothing to do with me and that I was always great. Then he went on to talking about the thoughts in his head that I don’t know about and asked me if I knew why he was so afraid to have kids (I did know, he’s brought it up in the past once)
 

woodsy1

MyPTSD Pro
I keep trying to give myself hope that the letter will help explain things to him and that he’s just taking space and that he’ll come home. I worry that he’s spending so much time with these friends that he’s known a couple months and has completely thrown away his family. Do they ever realize they need their loved ones?
Suffering from PTSD is never an excuse to forget loved ones.
 

Sweetpea76

Moderator
I would take a breath and give him a little time honestly.

It doesn’t sound like he’s making any real moves to permanently leave or divorce you, it sounds like he’s symptomatic and he went off the rails for a bit. Sometimes they do off the wall stuff and it knocks you for a loop. A lot of times when we freak out about their freak outs it makes them freak out more... if that makes sense.

Look at it logically... he didn’t tell you to go back home. He told you to take the house... you said he had to sign for it? Is it base housing? If so, he knows he can’t get family housing AND barracks/BAH... which he’ll need if he’s going to actually leave you. He’s still communicating with you. It’s only been 2 weeks.

My advice. Step back, stop panicking, and give him another week or two. Don’t plead, don’t cry, don’t have any relationship talks. I know it’s hard, but step back and relax. See if he pulls his head out of his ass. That will give you time to gather yourself as well, and you’ll get a better idea if it’s PTSD or if he’s up to no good with these new friends.
 
I would take a breath and give him a little time honestly.

It doesn’t sound like he’s making any real moves to permanently leave or divorce you, it sounds like he’s symptomatic and he went off the rails for a bit. Sometimes they do off the wall stuff and it knocks you for a loop. A lot of times when we freak out about their freak outs it makes them freak out more... if that makes sense.

Look at it logically... he didn’t tell you to go back home. He told you to take the house... you said he had to sign for it? Is it base housing? If so, he knows he can’t get family housing AND barracks/BAH... which he’ll need if he’s going to actually leave you. He’s still communicating with you. It’s only been 2 weeks.

My advice. Step back, stop panicking, and give him another week or two. Don’t plead, don’t cry, don’t have any relationship talks. I know it’s hard, but step back and relax. See if he pulls his head out of his ass. That will give you time to gather yourself as well, and you’ll get a better idea if it’s PTSD or if he’s up to no good with these new friends.
Thank you so much! Yes it’s base housing. I’m praying that it is just him being symptomatic. I’d planned to give him the letter once I get some of his stuff together for him to come get after he moves things into the house. He will have been gone for 3 week at that time. Do you think I should still do that? My sister suggested I wait a week or so after he gets the letter and start letting him know that I’m here and that I love him. She said those are things she would have liked to have had when she was going through the worst of it. What do you suggest? I’d also love to let you read the letter if you would Sweetpea76 to make sure I’m not going in the wrong direction.
 
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