My kids

Defaultxlovee

Confident
My kids and I suffered the trauma together.

They seem to be doing better than me.

My T wants me to apply what I've taught them (how to process cope etc) to myself

Im just starting to learn how trauma causes us to turn on ourselves.

I sometimes get extreme and say my husband and kids would be better off with someone else. That I'm too broken now.

I don't believe that, but I feel it and it feels so real. So intense

We also have a marriage therapist. Everyone tells me in my life the kids are okay but I have this unchanging strong stuck feeling that they aren't okay.

Anyone else relate to anything I'm saying.

I miss myself before the trauma.

I feel selfish saying that. Or vain. I just miss feeling more whole. And "normal"
 

Defaultxlovee

Confident
Pushed my husband away again. So far I don't know how to reach him again.

I haven't shared my trauma on here yet. I just joined today. I did talk to my therapist today about details from the trauma event she said I did really good. And I do feel good surprisingly. I do also feel the creeping in of possible negative symptoms from going there in my mind. But my ears hurt. Anyone get deep deep ear pain and it feels like when a mic is too close to the amp.

I hope my husband and I make it thru this. The trauma was in 2017.

I feel miserable.
 

Defaultxlovee

Confident
I'm really forcing myself to do this. After reading other trauma diaries. I feel empowered to have some support type therapy my T has wanted for me for so long.

It was 2017. 730 am. I had just worked out in our makeshift basement gym. We rented at this time with the intentions of signing a lease to own contract. Loved the house. But just started learning the road was way too loud for us. Anyways. My child was a toddler and awake with me at this point. Other child still sleeping.

I saw the driveway had five or more cars in it. I thought what is going on! I saw police in bullet proof vest facing the woods behind the house. I thought there must be a criminal in the woods behind the house. They came to the door. I was in sports bra and pajama with husband type shorts. Aka not decent. I imagined they were coming to the door to tell me, we have to go behind your house and catch this guy. Was I wrong.

Something urged me to turn on my phone video camera. I was shaking in fea rof all the guns drawn seemingly at me.

Tried to stay calm. They came busting in my house.

That's all I can say for now.
 

Defaultxlovee

Confident
Actually gonna pause with. I grew up in a small town riding my bike around the fire house and police station parking lot they knew me my parents. Life was good. I was raised with lots of respect. Also some dark times which I got therapy for. But military riddles my family. Respect. Authority. It's ingrained in me. Also freedom and justice. Ingrained in me.
 

Defaultxlovee

Confident
So as the police flooded my house. Up to 15 people. They were telling at me to put my lab mix dog away. I was trying to but also asking who they were and why they were there. They put me in handcuffs. I didn't know why they were there. My camera still recording. Captured my youngest terrified shriek scream. Curdling. Seeing me more than half naked in hand cuffs. While many people are screaming where is he where is he. And also the landlord had a big garage on the premises. And one or two locked rooms in the basement full of stuff they needed to store there. The landlord also told us the guy before us trashed the place. They showed us pictures. We asked what he did to be able to afford a place like that and they said something on the internet.
 

Defaultxlovee

Confident
Oh they had that door slammer opener have no idea what it's called. And at this point I turned to this huge (detective I later learned) and asked if I could pray. He looked very shocked and said yes of course. So I dropped to my knees begging God for the strength to stay strong for my screaming son. They woke up my other child in her bed. Guns drawn not pointing at her but ready to fire if need be.
 

Defaultxlovee

Confident
I still wasn't told why they were here/there. Sigh. My heart is feeling heavy. I want to finish but I feel weepy. I'm starting to sweat. I want this all to go away. I have so much more to share. Thanks for reading.
 

Defaultxlovee

Confident
Hi there. I'm new here. Started a trauma diary it's something I don't know when I'll even post in again.

My trauma involved police. Handcuffs. Detective level search warrant. House raid/warrant. Separated from my children by cps. It was the wrong house and person (me) the whole time but for two hours that was my life. It was in 2017.
I hate saying this part. They told me they had proof me or someone in my home was responsible for creating, downloading, and sharing child pornography. I am under 30years old married with two young kids. The search warrant itself was so cruel and disgusting to read , ya know the part where they tell what evidence they have. Disgusting. . I was told this is the type of stuff that breaks up marriages. I knew it wasn't me. But they said they had proof. And it broke me. Sometimes I feel like a baby. But anyways not meaning to diary here.

I'm posting because with all that being said up there. My neighbors knew part of that. They ended up not being as nice as we thought. Idk if nice is the right word. I'm not trying to gossip.

We moved to our house here in 2018.
Since we moved here they started harassing us. I was too sick and in trauma la la land if anyone knows what I mean. My husband picked up on it. But I thought my husband was mad. By the way my husband wasn't at the trauma house when it happened).

K so no longer friends with neighbors trying to keep the peace civil. Their dog attacks my BILs service dog. He's a veteran the dog is a mastiff. The neighbors dog is a vicious senile hostile hound mix Im not exactly sure. I think she never seen a big dog before. But anyway the first three times the mastiff just ignored her I was so proud! The fourth time he gave her little earning bites on her hind. This dogs teeth was the side of my pointer finger.

We paid the vet bill obviously felt terrible for the dog. But it happened at my house.

The dude comes over and breaks our back door. Banged on the glass so hard it broke. Sent me into very hard flashbacks I fell on the floor.

We went down to the police barracks and filed a report. Did NOT press charges. Thinking it might help them settle down and realize they could be in big trouble if they don't stop, oh because the officer offered to do that. Let them know his actions were criminal. Oh ps. We all share the driveway as an owner property. Equal rights responsible etc. It's in the deed.

So since then ... More has happened. Crazy things. She hit her son's pregnant girlfriend. Another time the girlfriend came over crying hysterical asking for my phone to call the cops because they took her baby and phone and wouldn't let her leave.

The daughter coming over disrespecting the agreement to stay off each other's property. Showed no respect when I asked why she was over. Then told me I was just looking for a problem because that same hostile dog mentioned above was loose in my yard again and I calmly politely asked (maybe a tiny swang of I don't want to have to talk to you) in my voice because I'm human. Or ignorant you tell me.) But then she said oh just go inside and take your pills. My pills to which I hate having to take I hate the trauma. I hate that it feels like I'm a baby to have such a large reaction to what happen.

Ugh. So anyways.

Sorry lost focus. I am triggered right now because. My doctor told me if I don't move, the stress could give me a heart attack. That's not exactly how it went. But he said if the harassment continues I could have a heart attack. OH to anyone still reading lol

It may have looked like to them and it even did to the judge. That I'm overreacting and filed for a harassment charge against the daughter. And openly told the judge of the past I have with them. And he thought I was wasting the courts time and wanted to drop the charges with an order that we all had to leave each other alone. Btw we've never intentionally did anything to them and if we did anything they never mentioned it.
Judge granted a continuance to see if we could leave each other alone. I cried so hard my liver hurt. Real bad almost called 911. I had parts of my liver dead from sickness related to ptsd.

Then two hours after that court. Zoning officer was called on me for one legit thing (permit for my chickens I didn't know I needed). And not legit. Reported an unregistered car on my property? It's registered.

Then the real kicker and thank you to all who read this far. She is a teacher. And tried to report me to children and youth for not homeschooling my kids? And the police showed up and children and youth. It was so hard to deal with police and children and youth showing up like that. It sounds like I'm a baby. Negative self talk. Ah. and now she's in trouble with her job the school for her abusing her role. Because they all found nothing as there is nothing. I'm sorry I also got a call of a report three days later from the original filing of the charges. So two calls to children protective services.

Dilemma: should I move? We decided to. And I am in triggered land. Physically shaking. Feel like I can't endure a move. But I am much healthier. Any support welcome and appreciated thank you so much
 
Last edited:

Muttly

MyPTSD Pro
I was called the police on a neighbor who was having a psychotic-type break and screaming about killing people. The cops came to my house by mistake at first. Fortunately I was the caller and on the phone with 911 so I was able to straighten things out quickly but I do remember that being very frightening. So I can imagine how distressing your experience was. I'm sorry you went through that.

And bad neighbors are really awful and stressful. It sounds like moving is a wise move even though that creates it's own stress. It sounds like practicing a lot of self-care and grounding exercises would be a good plan for you. Do you have things like that you can do? Do you have a therapist?
 

Defaultxlovee

Confident
I was called the police on a neighbor who was having a psychotic-type break and screaming about killing people. The cops came to my house by mistake at first. Fortunately I was the caller and on the phone with 911 so I was able to straighten things out quickly but I do remember that being very frightening. So I can imagine how distressing your experience was. I'm sorry you went through that.

And bad neighbors are really awful and stressful. It sounds like moving is a wise move even though that creates it's own stress. It sounds like practicing a lot of self-care and grounding exercises would be a good plan for you. Do you have things like that you can do? Do you have a therapist?
I'm crying happy tears thank you so much for your reply. Yes I have a great therapist I'm so thankful for. And I do have exercises. I lost my period for almost two years. And I just had my first one last month. Im getting close to when it would come if it does. So I'm very emotional. I'm fighting big drops right now. Even though I genuinely am ready to move.

I think I do need a solid plan of self care and grounding. I just realized I need to wash up. Thanks again.
 

Defaultxlovee

Confident
The law enforcement people wouldn't let me put a shirt on. They wouldn't give me my kids. I had to stay mostly naked with a lot of guys in the house. I'm sure nobody would like that. But I'm also very conservative. I had to go to the bathroom as my stomach was a wreck and I had diarrhea in handcuffs with a female , mean, law enforcement personnel standing right there "just in case I flush something".

It makes sense if they were at a criminals house. I'm little jane smith christian homeschooling stay at home mom. I make handmade almost anything. Not really but you get the point.

Friends jokingly dote on me as mary poppins and betty crocker. It's just how we were raised.

So yeah.

I had to stay strong. I had to ask permission for my kids to eat. And then I couldn't stop asking them questions. They were getting sick of me. I could tell. But they were in MY HOUSE.

They found out two hours later it was the wrong house. Why isn't easy like for them to go on with their lives as just a wrong house.

Legally they did certain things wrong also. Unfortunately. Like if it had been. The criminals house.

I was told it was probably my husband that this breaks up marriages all the time. I have a frozen frame in my mind of that moment. And the days to follow I just dissociated on the floor. My kids jumped all over the house. I told my husband something's very wrong. It's like I died in that moment. I was told I was losing everything I loved. Possibly my children treated with disgust. I fight guilt of my own feelings because I know that some kids out there actually endure that.

I was thankful of and still am thankful of what I do have and that those things aren't true. But I feel like I died in that moment wondering would I visit my husband in jail. I kept thinking I'm a trial wife. How could I love such a man.

It wasn't him or anyone in my life. They had the wrong place.

But the warrant was in my name. I read it.

I almost died a few times from getting so sick. Do people who have really been through that awfulness, hate me for having such a large response to something that wasn't even real. But I was told it was real. Someone share what you think at this point please.
 
Top