My kids

Defaultxlovee

Confident
Of course it was real. It was very, very real, and the cops were very, very, wrong. It happens and people die, or get traumatized, because it happens.

I believe you.
Thank you. 😓


Now he neighbors have been so awful to us. All I wanted to do was move here and everyone could heal. And these people have gone as far as to send the police here. My doctor said I could have a heart attack of the harassment continues.

I had no energy to move. I need a miracle. Honestly. It's like instant ptsd symptoms turn on like a light switch. And it's so heavy. I hate this
 

Defaultxlovee

Confident
Small victory or huge. But after two years loss of period. I have basically a normalized menstrual cycle. I'm still on some hormone therapy to help it. But instead of everyday of the month I only take it 8 days of the month.

Update. We have an offer on our beloved home. Aside from the harassing neighbors facing jail time. We could enjoy an upgraded home. Of course that means upgraded bills. But for health and wellness we believe it could be worth it.

There's a specific home I'd love to purchase. It has no current offers. And I'm hoping continually that we could obtain it.

As far as my diary goes. It does feel really good to have hit such a huge health improvement milestone. However just two days ago or so I was reliving how easily stress turns on ptsd symptoms.

Other than managing coping and self care. What else could I ever do. My T and doctor say I'm doing all I can and it takes time. I still face the same feelings. And also. My dog just suddenly died this week. I do wonder if the neighbors poisoned her. Because she's facing jail time and losing her job. Which I never wanted for them. We've never truly wishes evil upon them. But I believe they are responsible for pushing me to the point of a seizure like response. It's called PNES. Psychogenic non epileptic seizure

Sometimes I can't believe how sick I got. Sometimes I get so so so mad at all the time I've lost being sick. How sad it is to see similar symptoms in my kids from them enduring the same trauma.

It took me five years to feel a human connection to a police officer after that. And my T had to speak for almost a year to the fact and nature of trauma. How our response is not controlled. It happens and we are left with the aftermath.

Idk that's all.

I miss my dog. I feel numb about her and sometimes I break out in hysterics. She's buried under her favorite tree.
 

Defaultxlovee

Confident
I've been quite pissed off lately. In my mind I was about to fight the mri machine.

Marriage T wants me to fight harder when I am dissociative. Gave me work to work on. I thanked her because I meant it. But also cried deeply after we got off the phone.

Does she understand how tired I am of fighting?

I'm pissed I had to remind her, although she is newer in our life, that the neighbors PURPOSELY TRAUMATIZED ME BY SENDING THE POLICE AND CHILDREN PROTECTIVE SERVICES TO MY HOUSE OVER LIES.

I was hysterical in my woods screaming on the phone with my mom that I wanted my kids back and for "them to get out of my house". Clear flashback. T was able to meet thankfully and she was so good. I love my T.

She really is a blessing from above.

I told her I felt like I was gonna puke and she said you might.

It took me five years to feel a human connection to a police officer.

I'm finally not mad at myself for having a large response to the trauma.

I guess my logical brain wants to get over it faster.

I had another PNES episode

I was expecting someone to show up and their partner showed up first. Thank God for my husband because after company left I blacked out for thirteen minutes and started panicking. My husband said it sounds like you are very triggered right now. I was so dissociative I was just weeping deeply.

He said maybe because someone you didn't know showed up. I hadn't met the partner yet.

Our marriage T wants me to fight harder for peace.

She is right. I have to care and want to fight.

I know perseverance prevails.

The lady who is doing all of this is a teacher. At the risk of sounding or being mean. Why in the world is an educator of little kids tormenting a family with little kids.

The judge was so mad at them.

There are victories. I just feel wiped out after marriage T.

I feel like she's always telling me what to do like I'm the reason our marriage was failing. Maybe I don't like her. Idk.

😟 She did also say my primary therapist is speaking on the dissociative and probably has a plan she doesn't want to undermine.

10/10 agree I can't give up now.
But. Uhm. I'm so tired.
Don't you dare send the police to my house over nothing! While you're the one harassing me.
 

Defaultxlovee

Confident
I don't feel worthy of having ptsd. The trauma was all a big mistake it's torturing me. Someone told me I have to get over it. Another person told me to try and calm down.

Please I need to connect with someone who gets it. My brain started feeling like it was melting. Then I started sweating from every pore. Then I could feel the adrenaline surge in my neck just now. Then I went to that stupid place in my memory of that day.

They took my kids from me. They told me it was me or my husband responsible for creating sharing and downloading hundreds of videos child pornography. I feel like I have no right being this upset and sick. Seeing others experiences on here. No child deserves that. My heart is broken.

I thought my husband was the person they told me he was. My whole life was over and not what I thought it was.

They took my babies away from me. My back hurts so much right now.

I've since taken xanax and tried grounding techniques but I remembered that day today. Just from being unde other stress. My brain went to that place and I got out of there as soon as I realized if I stay here too long it will be very bad. But then my conversation with my husband went to please hurry home I'm having flashbacks to talking to him from that flashback place.

I'm scared. Covered in sweat and angry and so tired. And I know this spike will cause days of coming down. At least I suspect that.

I'm already poorly functioning.
This is not good.

I feel like a piece of junk.
 

Defaultxlovee

Confident
So throttled today. Just from one more drop of stress. Covered in sweat. Flashbacks.

Sooooooooo screamingly shakingly angry.

I choose not to swear in my words. But a lot of words come to mind and none of them are good.

It's like a poison that gets slowly releases into my life and I'm tired of it.

My neck is a brick.

My ears HURT.
 

JGirl

Confident
I want to reach out to you because I can relate to your trauma. My biggest trauma was finding out that my husband had molested my daughter.

What happens to you in that moment- when your entire world shatters is very traumatising. All of your hopes and dreams for your family are ripped away in a split second and there is nothing you can do. Everything that you thought you knew about yourself and your partner crumbles in front of you in seconds. I do not feel that what you went through somehow doesn't qualify as trauma just because it turned out not to be true. I'm sorry that they took your kids. That must have been excruciating. The police coming in must have been terrorising. That was a horrible experience for you and it is going to take time for you to move past it.

Something that I wrestle with is feeling like my trauma is valid when what my daughter and other kids went through is so much worst. I am working on allowing myself to validate my experience. Someone going through something worst does not somehow take away the fact I have experienced real pain and trauma too. You experienced real pain and, in time, you will learn the skills you need to not let it consume you. Don't let yourself feel bad for where you are at.

It took me a long time and working through that day through EMDR for me to stop having vivid flashbacks.
I want you to know that you are not alone.
 

Defaultxlovee

Confident
I want to reach out to you because I can relate to your trauma. My biggest trauma was finding out that my husband had molested my daughter.

What happens to you in that moment- when your entire world shatters is very traumatising. All of your hopes and dreams for your family are ripped away in a split second and there is nothing you can do. Everything that you thought you knew about yourself and your partner crumbles in front of you in seconds. I do not feel that what you went through somehow doesn't qualify as trauma just because it turned out not to be true. I'm sorry that they took your kids. That must have been excruciating. The police coming in must have been terrorising. That was a horrible experience for you and it is going to take time for you to move past it.

Something that I wrestle with is feeling like my trauma is valid when what my daughter and other kids went through is so much worst. I am working on allowing myself to validate my experience. Someone going through something worst does not somehow take away the fact I have experienced real pain and trauma too. You experienced real pain and, in time, you will learn the skills you need to not let it consume you. Don't let yourself feel bad for where you are at.

It took me a long time and working through that day through EMDR for me to stop having vivid flashbacks.
I want you to know that you are not alone.
Thank you so much @JGirl.
I'm so upset again today and I'm not exactly sure why. I had awful flashbacks yesterday. Was so hard to come out of it.

I'm in agony.

And thank you for sharing your experience. Oddly enough I do know the feelings your describing because that's exactly what I felt. And I asked myself how could I have missed all this?

Sometimes things happen out of our control and we just can't take it back. But beating ourselves up clearly doesn't help anything and makes everything worse.

You described exactly where I was when they were in my house.

I am so sorry the s happened to you but I am hopeful for all of us to go on and live better loves and help others just as you have helped me here.
I can't thank you enough.
I'm so raw 😟
Hugs.
 

Defaultxlovee

Confident
The agony and pain feels like it won't ever go away. It feels like poison in my life. I hate feeling this way. I've been very weepy after making some progress in accepting the trauma. Which I fully haven't. I can't seem to wrap my head around how years later it feels this bad. I'm still sick. It feels too big to understand anyways so why try?

I love/hate breakthroughs. I've been crying out of nowhere like tons of crying.

I feel inconsolable. And it's so painful.

I'm sweating while crying too. Why? And now flashbacks.

I'm so tired. 😣I feel like I could throw up in crying form.
 

Defaultxlovee

Confident
Lost it really bad tonight. I had husband pull over and I sat on the ground screaming crying. Started turning on him a bit we both tried to fight fighting each other. Successful. That's good.

Finally got home. My mom told me I couldn't sleep on the side of the road. But I was so comfortable there. I feel like a crazy person. But it makes sense we live right next door to extreme abusers. Psychological bomba dropped on us from them.

Thankfully we are moving soon. Something like 20 days or a bit sooner.

No plans for Thanksgiving because we feel uprooted.

I had nightmares all night. Husband woke me up asking if I was ok because he heard me screaming in my sleep.

I'm exhausted.
 
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