I was raped on August 3rd 2019. I said I wasn’t ready and I resisted by closing my legs but he did it anyways. I have had problems throughout my 20+ years of life. I feared men and had a hard time standing up for myself. I was raised by my mother and if you had any emotional distress, it would trigger her ptsd. I learned to bottle up my emotions and dealt with a lot of crap. I have had depression and anxiety since I was 13 ( diagnosed then). I cared and still do care about my rapist. I don’t want him to ever do that again. I would message him saying what he did to me was not okay. I know, it was bad of me to do that. I am getting there. Now I have a job at Safeway and I keep thinking he will come in. I kept tabs on him which is also bad. He blocked me. Which I really wanted and cause I couldn’t. But then my mind flipped. What if he shows up and starts stuff. Causing drama. I blame myself for it. I thought it was normal to feel uncomfortable and not want it. It was my “first time”. Never had sex or real experience with guys. My body and my mind knew cause I was having night terrors the very night I went to bed. My depression and anxiety got worse. I can’t report him because I stayed in contact and was an idiot. I realized it was rape in March and shit just hit the fan from there. Trying to get meds and see my therapist. I try to eat but I can’t.