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Sexual Assault My life falling apart

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I was raped on August 3rd 2019. I said I wasn’t ready and I resisted by closing my legs but he did it anyways. I have had problems throughout my 20+ years of life. I feared men and had a hard time standing up for myself. I was raised by my mother and if you had any emotional distress, it would trigger her ptsd. I learned to bottle up my emotions and dealt with a lot of crap. I have had depression and anxiety since I was 13 ( diagnosed then). I cared and still do care about my rapist. I don’t want him to ever do that again. I would message him saying what he did to me was not okay. I know, it was bad of me to do that. I am getting there. Now I have a job at Safeway and I keep thinking he will come in. I kept tabs on him which is also bad. He blocked me. Which I really wanted and cause I couldn’t. But then my mind flipped. What if he shows up and starts stuff. Causing drama. I blame myself for it. I thought it was normal to feel uncomfortable and not want it. It was my “first time”. Never had sex or real experience with guys. My body and my mind knew cause I was having night terrors the very night I went to bed. My depression and anxiety got worse. I can’t report him because I stayed in contact and was an idiot. I realized it was rape in March and shit just hit the fan from there. Trying to get meds and see my therapist. I try to eat but I can’t.
Hey @Musicismylife , I'm really glad you found us, though I'm sorry for what brought you here.

There are a lot of similarities to my own story in your post.
I lost my virginity to the guy who went on to become my rapist.
I remember having that realisation that it -was- rape in July two years ago, and exactly like you say, things hit the fan.
That was 7-8 months after it happened, too.
I remember feeling out of my body basically all day, every day. My anxiety and depression spiked like crazy. I couldn't eat. I blamed myself for it all happening.

Two years have now passed, and I'm doing a bit better.
I'm no longer clinically depressed and I no longer have an eating disorder.
I'm still on therapy and on meds, but that's okay because they're still both helping.
I still fear him showing up at my place of work, but the people around me have a description of him, and know to call the police if he ever did, because he would have absolutely no reason to be in this building other to harass me.
The nightmares and flashbacks still happen, particularly around the time of year that he raped me, but I have tools to get through those days, and the ones inbetween aren't as bad; pleasant and enjoyable, even.

I want to reassure you that even though things feel awful and terrifying and confusing right now, even though you are filled with a lot of confusion and regret, things will be okay.
He is the one at fault here. He raped you.
The best thing that you can do for yourself now is to take that power back from him. By working towards getting your life back on track. And you are already taking steps to do that which is wonderful. You got a job, you reached out here, you're trying to get meds and see a therapist.

If eating is hard, can you try drinking smoothies? Or when my eating has been through rough patches in the past, I've had a prescription of Fortisips. They're energy&nutrition-dense drinks (the chocolate one is my favourite). I find they really help because this stuff is exhausting enough when we're well-fed, let alone when we're unable to eat.

Keep going. It's going to get better. :hug:
I'm so sorry that happened to you @Musicismylife . He shouldn't have done that. He is responsible 10000%. Not you.

A rapist took my virginity too. I also blamed myself.

Like @bellbird said, you're on here. You're doing self care. You're recognising your feelings and you're trying to find ways to make peace with what happened to you. You have strength and resilience. Be kind to yourself.
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