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Undiagnosed My long story on how i became traumatized and what should i do to get better

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drama.k

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hi everyone. hope you all had a good day today.

i found this forum on the internet after a long time of dealing with the slings of trauma when something traumatic happened to me about a year ago and thought maybe i could get some answers as to what exactly happened to me and how i should deal with it going forward.

this is gonna be a long story but i beg of you to bear with me through the whole thing because i really need some advice.

what happened to me was about 5 years ago i got accepted into a college that was very faraway from my home and i made a bad decision of leaving my home when i already had developed in my teenage years what you could say an ocd where i obsessively did certain different things like binge watching too many movies or tvshows or obsessed with a certain sexual fetish which all of it i believe was a way to cope with daily stresses after growing up having been abused as a child.

when i left my home for college with these problems i never thought that decision would lead to me getting worse and worse i until become traumatized .

what started it all i guess is when i got into a relationship with a classmate of mine at the beginning of my college years whom i fell obsessively in love with and wanted to marry her, the relationship that i thought would bring an end to my unhappiness ended up taking a drastic turn for me when she refused my offer while having already accepted it. after that i became really depressed and became more obsessive it got so bad that i had to take a semester off because i couldn't be in the same class as her.

what that did to me was really important because it set the tone for all the subsequent events that happened after.

so in my semester off i remember thinking about her all the time and how our life would've been together . after that i couldn't go back but had to resume college so i made a bad decision of not changing my major and not continue my studies where i grew up and so instead i transferred myself temporarily to a city that was closer to my hometown.

another bad decision because i was really alone in that city which didn't help my situation at all. i developed another obsession while i was there where i thought obsessively about life and the meaning of it all while smoking weed quite often. i had smoked weed before that but not often and it was different because back then i wasn't depressed

after finishing one semester there somehow i ended up making the decision of going back to where it all happened since i had fallen behind in my studies i wouldn't have been classmates with her.

all this while i kept smoking weed when i obviously should've avoided it . weed ended up making me slightly delusional and after i went back i became a subject of a prank by some of old weed friends where we smoked weed this one time together and they must've realized i wasn't like before so they decided to prank me the next time by acting as if they were going to harm me or acting as if some harm was coming my way with the deliberate intent of making me paranoid afterwards . which they were successful of achieving to some degree . after that i became distrusting of my other friends.

the problem wasn't that i couldn't realize it was a prank the problem was that i couldn't comprehend why would the guy whom i considered my friend would do such a thing which really messed me up because i used to be one of the guys and that made me feel like i was a stranger. at my best i didn't think much of anything and realizing my problem but at my worst i would become paranoid in public places or when i was really stressed out.

but that's not the traumatic event i'm trying to get to but the beginning of it.

after that somehow i lived with ups and downs of that whole incident. when i would see them at college i never really talked to them especially about what they did because i didn't want to give them the satisfaction.

what ended up traumatizing me was when i started this overly romantic overly poetic relationship with one of my classmates.

remember i told you weed made me slightly delusional? well my delusion was about my romantic life. somehow i ended up believing that it is in my destiny to finally find my perfect romantic partner and i just had to find her and created a story how it all would turn out in my head and at the same convincing myself that its for the novel im trying to write .( which i did really try to write but ended up with me getting delusional about it as i thought it really was my story somehow morphed into the character i was trying to create.

well i found this girl in my class who was known to be a quite mystery girl . i researched her and realized she was a poet. i always was somewhat talented with words so i decided to write her a poem and send it to her in hope of enticing her to enter into a romantic relationship with me. which i was successful of doing but it became just that, "a romantic relationship" when i confronted her at first she denied everything . so i thought maybe she must not really like me and i was wrong. but it was her game she wanted to force us to become this romantic couple who would only write poetry for each other and at the same time denying any close relationship because it would spoil the romance.

well i bit into it because i really wanted my destined romantic partner to be her so i over-cared for her over-loved her . i thought maybe she was testing me to see how long my words of affection would last and i didn't want her to think i was lying.

at first it was really great it was just an exchange of poetry through Instagram. but as it went on it became a relationship of abuse . she really denied any chat or direct contact with me and after a while i stopped trying directly talking to her. she made a whole drama out of me finally coming after her but i didn't want to do it. i had to be certain she really was the one despite what i really wanted to believe i wanted to see her contacting me directly because i couldn't understand why she was making a whole drama out of us finally meeting and at the same time denying contact and not coming for me when i really needed her.

so i waited and waited she kept playing and i kept playing along with her games because i didn't want to upset her. everybody at our class knew what was going on. we would sit close together in the class and not speak a word to each other. the ups and down of that relationship made me worse and worse as i was trying to hold on to the romance while at the same time wanting the dream of being with her to be real not something i forced,wanting her to come to me not the another way around.

so the traumatic event happened when i saw her walking past me and went to talk to this other guy which really messed me up i thought they were together those few days that i was under the impression that she had played me gave me the eventual trauma, by the time i realized that they weren't together and i never saw them together afterwards t didn't matter anymore i guess she was just trying to make me jealous but i started developing symptoms of PTSD.

during those days my paranoia from before came back and i thought that certain few people including her were trying to harm me by orchestrating a big play to deliberately make me more depressed

it got really bad that i had to go to a therapist who diagnosed me with PTSD but because i didn't trust him i read up on PTSD i knew the symptoms had to persist for much longer in order to be diagnosed with PTSD so i didn't take the pills he prescribed me. instead left college in haste for my hometown because i felt that my destiny in that city wasn't certain and i didn't want any more drama with that girl.

i went to a therapist again in my hometown who diagnosed me wrongly and gave me some bad pills that weren't good for me which forced me to see another therapist .this one gave me better pills but gave me absolutely no explanation of what was happening to me which left me confused. during this time my mood fluctuated from being between absolutely distanced from reality in the mornings and being myself after i had a meal .

i took his pills for a month and became much better but i didn't go to him again to renew my prescriptions because i felt i could manage it on my own now. which to some degree i was successful .

nowadays i think about my or anyone's death when im not preoccupied doing something else or when stressed, i rarely go out and when im not preoccupied or really tired and stressed out and i haven't had a meal it feels like part of my brain that's responsible for understanding the world just before everything happened shuts off and i become distanced with reality for brief seconds but largely im okay much better than i first came back from college.

thank you for bearing with me for my long story . right now i realize a combination of poor decision making and not seeking help when i needed it and weed and bad luck all contributed to my PTSD which now i regret .

now i beg you if you have read my story and if you can help me by offering some advice how to cope with my problem from now on please do . because i don't really have anyone to talk to about all this. thanks all
 
so the traumatic event happened when i saw her walking past me and went to talk to this other guy which really messed me up i thought they were together those few days that i was under the impression that she had played me gave me the eventual trauma, by the time i realized that they weren't together and i never saw them together afterwards t didn't matter anymore i guess she was just trying to make me jealous but i started developing symptoms of PTSD

The good news is that you can't develop PTSD from thinking the girl you like is dating someone else for a few days.

which all of it i believe was a way to cope with daily stresses after growing up having been abused as a child.
You can develop PTSD from an abusive childhood, though, it seems like you've got several other things going on (OCD, delusions, paranoia, depression, & substance abuse) that clinicians have thought more likely?
 
Welcome @drama.k . This is a good place. Just wanted to say hello really. I will be honest and say that I couldnt read your introductory post as it all just appeared to be a massive set of words slammed together with no paragraphs or punctuation and my brain just flipped on it.

Sorry you are struggling at the moment. I hope you find some answers to your concerns which will help you
 
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