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My Mom is Being Abused

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Thanks @Friday. My T also told me that I can only encourage my mom to do things like create a "go bag," and that I can't make her do it. He also suggested that if I tell her it would make me feel better if I had a few things she needs at my house, it might make it easier for her to give me things she needs to leave to come here when, and only when she is ready.

The other issue I'm having is that it's really hard to wrap my head around my dad "crossing the line" like that, because he doesn't show the worst of it to me. I have this preconceived notion that if someone is abusive they are a "monster to everyone" and he doesn't do it to me, so it's difficult for me to accept that he may be one of those "monsters" that you hear about. I do believe my mom. It's difficult because I feel like I'm stuck in the middle. My T said we'd work through that, too.

I appreciate the comparison of it being a marathon and not a sprint, and the reminder that being a supporter is wildly different than being the sufferer. I've only ever had to be in the supporter role at my job (trained school psychologist).

I told my T I was concerned that my dad has been doing more than my mom has been telling me, and my T encouraged me "not to go there" because I'll just worry myself into a "catastrophizing" spiral if I do that, imagining all the things that *may* or *may not* have happened outside of what she is telling me. He told me to give myself permission to set it aside and not think about it so that I don't drive myself crazy worrying about her when there might not be anything happening and can be present if the need arises. I can't be "on call" mentally all the time, he said.

He told me it's OK to take care of myself and put myself first while ALSO leaving my door open for her to make the choice to come to my house, but it has to be her choice because if I force her it's not going to do much. He said the most I can do is leave the door open and keep reminding her she's loved and can come anytime, and keep reminding her that his behavior is not okay, but also supporting her and not completely bash my dad because that might backfire.

He also reminded me that my mom has made it this far (over 30 years relationship with my dad), and that this is just the beginning, like what you said. He said of course it is not great, but if she isn't in imminent danger, then I need to step back sometimes for myself in order to be able to be there when it counts for her.

I can't remember how he phrased it but he said something about not immersing myself in her issues when she isn't bringing them to me, and as much as possible when she's talking to me in the moment I need to document, emotionally distance so that I can help, and then when she's off the phone he said he wants me to either call my significant other (who knows) or text or call my T if I'm having trouble regulating. He said I need to take care of myself first so I can be present for her, and we'll talk about what that means in the coming weeks because this is such new territory for me.
 
So sorry you are going through this. Could you slip mom a small piece of paper with the number? or maybe when she's over put it in her phone as a contact rather than a text? DV is kind of like an addiction. It's hard for the one going through it to leave it. They have to want to leave. Keep encouraging her to call or come to your house. Lastly, it does sound like Dad may have some mental health issue that is getting worse. If there is some way to get him to a doctor for a "check-up", it would be beneficial to speak with the doctor about the anger issues. I hope things change or improve soon. Prayers for peace, strength, wisdom and guidance.
 
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