My Mom put a "bad faith" PFA (Protection From Abuse) on me. I feel broken every day. I am lt survivor of DV

Dolce

Learning
This is a hard one to disclose. I am dealing with this every day for the last few years and will for another few half way through one in Pa. Sometimes and in my case these vehicles for good at times are misused for malicious and revenge purposes....in my case for making flip comments about my abusive stepfather and for asking for my property and medical helps at her house where my stepdad lived (at the time) now deceased.

I was always the black sheep of the family always blamed for my own abuse for being a " difficult child" according to my Mom which I disputed in my life and it was untrue. Even if it were true no woman child male female or animal deserves the depraved treatment I got by my stepfather including indecent assault and acc to a detective worse in the midst of the PFA dramas.

I myself got a temp pfa on my Stepfather for all the good legal reasons one should have one in PA. My Mother made vague accusations of me being bossy and making them " look bad". In other words the dirty laundry was getting out and she said this was a "betrayal" and besmirchment on the family name. The flip comment I made was about my Stepfather drinking and driving w my sister and I in the car as a 50 something teacher to which she enabled his willfull criminal behavior saying it was "only a sip" it was an open container while driving she asked him to stop driving he refused in a crass manner. He had a combover and was wearing a white tank top wife beater. This was and is her prizew.

I could really use true friends I don't know if this is the place to find them?

I don't know how to relate to ppl now and I must look over my shoulder all the time. I had bad layers and was let down by the system meant to protect me and by my family too drastically.

I am not guilty. I admit my mistakes. These things are easy to misuse actually esp in central Pa. but maybe across the country. The standard of proof is much lower and I was up there all alone w an attorney at odds with me because I cross filed myself against my Stepdad, by myself an amazing feat while I had an attorney told him I would do this and he said go ahead but I guess underestimated me as most people do....I think my Mother did. She blasted me about my childhood and even allegedly sticking my tongue out in the 80s. This flew but admitted child abuse was minimized as that was " 28 years ago" by the judge.

I think about this all the time feel on the defensive feel broken and even long for my Mother who herself is an admitted (to me but never in public) abuser at least psychologically. It escalated to physical in 2020 prior to her doing this. I mentioned I was entitled to one on her. I think she is a Narcissist but I think I am codependent and don't know how to live without a family even one as damaging as mine. I did not commit abuse under Pa or any statutes and in fact she said I never threatened her but she worried about my potentials to become violent? And with this I got a Pfa a damaged reputation and trauma for life. Help?

Oh and she quasi and or maybe did stalk me in a car on Valentines day i think trying to entrap me into a ICC a violation of my PfA with her after 1 and half years of observing this thing and after she sabotaged my medical care and forced me to sue her for my own property she held. And she says she is the "victim". Police had told me three times before the PFA I would prob have to sue her for my property. All I wanted was reason love and kindness. All I got was kicked and shoved into the pavement. L. Enf felt bad for me were more kind than the lawyers.

I was drastically wronged. I don't know how to recover. I want to. Someone mentioned growing up in a cult. I can relate in ways in how I was talked to. My crime was not a real crime but one of treason in my Moms mind against the family whom is all perfect and above reproach no matter their actions and I must be put on trial for minutia from the 80s and assaults that happened to me then and in 2020...though at their home. My stepdad died recently. My Mom did the thing in the car one month after this. I thought long ago my stepfathers death might release me from abuse. It didn't.
 
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Dolce

Learning
What does a Protection From Abuse order mean for you in your life?

(We don’t have them where I’m at.)


Recover in what sense?
Recover from the trauma of abuse then being put on trial and basically crucified for my own abuse and being labeled FALSELY an abuser. This is the preposeterous thing but it can happen. It's called a restraining order in other states. My own mother put on on me yet followed me the person who is so "scary" and "angry". I was at most needy. And yes I still feel needy of her b/c this is so ingrained and was even encouraged and told to me by my Mother..."Behave b/c you need me", prior.

Also said things abusers say such as I don't act this way around anyone else...and you make me do this...my Mom's quotes not mine. I said we should talk respectfully toward one another on a walk we can disagree but you need to talk respectfully she said w a vacant creepy look, " I need to be respectful?" I have been abused basically my entire life and yet I bear the scarlet letter of abused and falsely abuser even. It happens. I saw a show where a woman who hired a hitman to kill her husband in Carlsbad Ca. had done it to her husband based on lies Deb Lovejoy....and Dave Letterman had some insane person put one on him b/c she said he was speaking to her through the TV. The judge said he granted it b/c she filled out the paperwork correctly. It was subsequently dropped for Letterman. The burden of proof is very low. It's meant to protect true DV victims. That is me. And I was labeled have been in my life so my Mom could feel vindicated for her and her husbands admitted and perverted abuses on me...yes even in my trial...and I was blamed. Pretty nuts but true. It happens. How does one recover from that? I have intense ptsd....and feelings of being less than when I am not. I would admit if I did wrong but I did not. I spoke the truth...apparently too much for my Moms likings. That's not a threat to life but is to her ego. It's not a reason for a PFA. A protection from Abuse order. Hard to disclose and very slanderous and she can do as she likes maybe follow me try to provoke me and no repercussions. I am more likely to be arrested if I spoke up.

I was not and am not safe.

I have to watch every step I make watch over my shoulder and have a slandered reputation. Again if I were guilty it wouldn't tear at me like it does. I am not. Ppl misuse these in divorces and maybe parents too who are mad at their kids for speaking up out about abuse to silence them. This was my case...and I was drug through the mud over my childhood thirty years later when my Stepdad and in fact she too were the criminals. Not me.

Sorry if this is intense. It's alot to go through. I hve a virtual meeting w a Dv group in 10 and am upset wondering ab being judged about this. The womens centre did little to stand up for me at the time when in fact detectives ( L enf) were trying to help me...said my Stepdad was an attempted rapist but 28 years ago...and I was 18...he passed the statute of limitations. One time I confronted him on things and he cavalierly said...Report it and you were hallucainating. I wasn't he would hve pled to my valid for all the good reasons one if one looks at the law. It's not meant for "bossy" daughters...if that's what I was...and maybe at times I was. My Mom and I had a strained relationship. I never threatned her nor could she say I ever did. I had two horrible lawyers. I could go one more about that. I won't.
 
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DharmaGirl

MyPTSD Pro
My thoughts are that if your mom is narcissistic, she will continue to blame you for your abuse. This isn't your fault. You will never be able to get her to admit it, and lonely as it seems, leaving her behind is the best thing you have done. I know it's hard to establish new relationships when you have been treated like you have been but it would be beneficial to seek out people, online or in real life to form relationships.
 

Dolce

Learning
My Mom has blamed me for my own abuse since my teen age years so....30 years or more. She denies things that happened and or blames me. She tells herself and others that I am crazy. This is the go to thing for abusers to do to " get away" with it....dehumanize and discredit the victim and yes she did that in court a year and half ago and yes the insane thing is that she also got away with that...saying the same things she has said to me over the years to vindicate herself...saying I was " a difficult child".....stuck my tongue out at her allegedly in the 80s....it's true and it flew that day. I was portrayed as if a child at age of 46 then. Why this was
allowed idk....maybe b/c I was at the time sick and not driving much....and asking for medical rides. I was the day I was assaulted by my stepfather terribly then blamed then had the PFA put on me. I was in their home and I guess this is how they could 'get away" with it. Some police were concerned. One that day was not.
I was told by a detective in the midst of this that my Stepdad is...an attempted rapist. The incident was in front of my Mom. She admitted it in court and his perverted talk at the dinner table but blamed me saying, sometimes people lose patience. It is hard for me to accept that my Mom and I may never talk that she would always slander me but she did take it to this extent of lying in court, leaving out things she and her husband did and leaving out any contributions I made to the family. I cared for her mother in home with Alzheimers...though all she said about that was I was upset when thrown out of her home when my Mom and uncle decided (without sitting me down to talk to me about it) to put her in a nursing home and put me out. Police were involved then called by me to do welfare check on my 90 something grandmother who was freaking out about this and didn't believe what was about to happen. I said to my uncle don't I deserve care and compassion and his answer after I did in home care for his mother was a vitriolic...no. I learned that he had sit down his kids at some pt and said we will never talk about what happened with her and John. My voice has been stifled and this was the pt of the PFA, not to prevent abuse from me. My Mother said I had never threatened her. She did say vague ratcheted up words to make my asking for a medical ride that day seem like some abusive act which it is not. She says she is a good mother has shown she cares....ummm no...??? That is the height of hypocrisy. I had to live w my Grandparents most of the time b/c of how unsafe/chaotic that home was. My PapPap said so...but this is a blow to her ego. I must be the "chaotic one". Sure and that happens in a vaccum. I was assaulted and called Bitch on the reg as a minor etc. I was not a "difficult child" never in trouble at school got decent grades didn't drink or even date much in high school. I don't know how to reconcile this. I had childhood things irrelevant things not even abusive things thrown at me in her monologues. She needed to crucify me. She has told me I betrayed her by speaking out about the abuse that happened to me to drs, other entities. She said I emotionally abused her. In between the lines of this accusation was that I have never backed down from the truth I was abused and I am not to blame for it. I never got apologies from my Stepdad in fact he said I don't need to apologize to you....and well he died two months ago. This event did not bring me joy or reconcilition. My Mom who once was an enabler to John I believe became a full on abuser to me in recent years. She was likely before psychologically. It's more obvious now. Two years ago she threatened to put a raw turkey on my stoop in response to something I said about her husband..( That he drove w open container of beer while drinking w myself and my sister in the car. The slander started then and the unraveling of my Mom and our relationship and the vitriol towards me. On Valentines day 22' my Mom stalked me in car. I believe she was trying to make me violate the PFA that right or wrong....in my case very wrongly put for the wrong reasons...
but I did not. I shook like an animal in my car feeling hunted. Still sometimes I wonder can I ask her for reconciliation family pictures??? I guess maybe not? She has made me look crazy to neighbors and talked badly about me to triangulate relationships in my family and yes she is a narcissist. She has told me in my apt...
yes I psych abuse you...also has bragged about her ability to fake people out. She was beautiful in her youth. I believe they call it the " halo effect" when people look at beautiful people as better than what they really are. I am more about the substance of things and relationships. She cares deeply about appearances.
She however is not as beautiful as she once was. I am not either after being drug through the mud and being forced to live in isolation and official blame for my own abuse. I tell myself it's not my fault. I know it's not but it's hard when you get messages in a backwards town that you are bad or nuts just b/c you are alone struggling and or advocate for yourself. People in my town like to smack down women like that and that makes it hard. Women my age(48) are supposed to be this or that (married I think) in my town....or at a certain place in life but people don't appreciate I do everything for myself...and how many folks live w no family? Maybe some on this forum do...maybe some have been to court. I hate that this is my story. I don't hate my Mom completely. I do know she has acted in some sick ways. I hope I can forge ahead on my own...it's not easy in this small town. Thank you for the support. Sorry for that novel. Yes she is narcisstic...and yes folks with this issue rarely take responsibility for their actions. Oh she could rationalize the turkey stoop thing. She did put portion of turkey(cooked dried out) on display in my stoop area on Black Friday 2019. It's been 2 1/2 years of hell with this woman. I told her the truth she was acting psycho. I told her yo this is restraining order worthy beh and it got worse from there but I knew w my Mom and the control she had over me she would x file if I did it and I was too scared to. One thing I can be proud of I guess is that at least I got on my own while I payed an awful lawyer a PFA ( only temp which should have been longer) on my
now deceased Stepdad. In my Mom's eyes that might have been a cardinal sin. She said I have besmirched the fam name. She thinks nothing of doing that to me though I don't use words like this. My crimes were not crimes. I guess I was deemed a traitor a traitor to an insane family who had no regard for me as a person.
 

Dolce

Learning
I would like new relationships. I would like my life not to hinge on my Mother and or be defined by the horrendous abuses that happened to me all over the place...
in my home and in systems that got manipulated....and bad lawyers...etc. There is lack of due process in the things I was put through and it's hard to reconcile again b/c I was and am the victim even was followed weeks ago...but I am trying. I tell myself Im proud of you for this or that b/c my family won't. My car almost died at the groc store where my Mom has seen me....and some strangers cared were willing to help...(It didn't die). Had my Mom been there she wouldn't have lifted a finger. Well she put this PFA on me....yet follows me. Anyways I got myself to the mechanics took shuttles provided...no friends or fam help replaced the starter...on my own. I got better at driving. Im still not long distance driver but year and half ago the time she did this I could barely drive at all. I was in the ER the day of the Stepdads assault w injuries and a bp emergency. Didn't matter. Stranded...didn't matter. I have done anesthesia procedures w/o any fam help. I have lived on my own for last two years. I visit my Nana (100) when I can in her skilled nursing home. I don't like seeing her there but I have no say in her care. I do what I can. I decorated her board when it was empty and provide her clothes and personal supplies when I saw she didn't have them. I should try to see her soon. I worried my Mom might interfere w this? So far she has not. The depths she sank to in last year and half to two and hlf years when I needed family most needed surgeries was....
astounding. I had a life saving one done out of town for kidney stones almost sabotaged by her but barely coordinate with her after 6 mos delay due to Covid...one month before she did what she did to me officially. Hmm. Idk. With family like this???? But anyways I wonder how new ppl can relate to me...what do I say when the inevitable ??? comes up about family...I have none. I think new ppl new relationships don't want to hear my whole sob stories and I don't want to let my Mom and the abuse sabotage my entire life???? It's ruined alot....but I want to overcome it as best I can. I wanted (foolishly) to even hope maybe I could speak to my Mom someday again but....I know that would come w huge risks....and potentials for harm to me....that I didn't and don't deserve. I want to try and live and my Mom I think has prevented me from that. I want to live more in the here and now and have some pride and some stability. Thank you for the kind words.
 

Dolce

Learning
On a lighter note and (I hope it's ok I rehashed my story) I gave myself an (I think) actually sort of good cuticle scissors trim on my long hair...ha. In these Covid times it's nice to be able to do that....also Im frugal. Also Ive had hair cut traumas....I have a name for it the " hair cut-astophe"..ha. Also have had bad dye jobs at most expensive of salons causing me to lose hair. Anyhoo I think I improved my look with cuticle scissors...lol....no expertise really...snipping small bits...point cutting cutting dead bits, I may have layered it some. I even cut the back. So this and getting my car fixed and things Ive done on my own over last two yrs are points of pride. Sometimes I lose sight of it but I am doing as well as I can and better than most would in my circumstances perhaps. I have to keep forging ahead...and I guess as ppl say not count on my Mom for much. I have been able to do some things alot and things not mentioned but this fun accomplishment on my own.
 
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