Sweetleaf
MyPTSD Pro
I typed up a pretty venty angry post at first but then calmed down some on it, and erased it all and started over, but im still really cranked up from it.
My mom has trouble with understanding that, whether it's something that's big or incredibly small, pressuring me to do things usually just makes me start to freak out and freeze up and it's just overwhelming. She's even usually pressuring me to do things I already want to do, or things I very much don't want to do for good reason. It's usually just really little things, and she just doesn't get that even if it's something small, it can overload me and freak me out.
For example: just now part of what she was pressuring me with was changing my settings so i stopped getting robo calls from work offering me assignments, and it was just like machine gun suggesting that I do it, it's not just one short blip, it's like going on and on and on and on, and like, I was too overloaded and kinda frozen during that to be able to tell her that I don't want to change that, and why (it reassures me i still have a job to go back to). All I could manage was to tell her to stop pressuring me, because it was freaking me out and overloading me, and I repeated that many times. It was just throwing gasoline on the fire but it's all I can manage to say at those times. On top of the pressuring, there is the crossing of my "stop" boundary, which adds another layer of panic, and then her escalation and yelling, which leads to even more panic and overload.
This just made her complain about how she's not asking me to do big things, she's only asking me to change my settings for work calls (which I don't want to do) and call my pdoc before sleeping instead of after trying to sleep - which she misunderstood as me not wanting to call her at all, because theres no WAY I could POSSIBLY even be SLIGHTLY capable of doing shit correctly the way I intend to. Also like why the f*ck would I not call her when I am f*cking going nuts with anxiety, hypervigilance, insomnia, and panic from my med dose increase? Why the f*ck would I want to subject myself to -more- of this or just quit meds all together? Jesus f*cking christ.
Instead, I'm too cranked up to be able to sleep, because of her kicking the hornets nest that is my PTSD.
This isn't the only way she kicks that hornets nest, it happens frequently, and in many different ways. Another thing she does, and just wont f*cking stop doing, no matter how many times I ask, is bringing up my trauma out of nowhere, not even talking about traumatic events, but rather just things that have to do with the fact that that shit happened to me. It's like... f*ck. I'll be having a good day and she will just trigger the shit out of me with that stuff sometimes.
How do I get her to stop doing these things so much? How do I get her to respect my boundaries when I say "stop"? She has so little respect for my boundaries. Touch boundaries, she breaks them, and it really f*cking freaks me out, it hurts to have that happen, but being kissed on the cheek or forehead or crown of my head by her pretty much makes me want to jump out of my skin, get away, it feels very violating. I hate it. She won't stop. She guilts me into it, she forces it on me, surprises me with it and scares the shit out of me while also triggering me hard. It brings back so many body memories, it's like it happens, and i get to feel some of the intense desire to recoil, and some of the many other violating feelings, that I felt during sexual assaults. My skin is crawling right now typing this.
What can I do to make her be a better supporter, and especially to -understand- what I'm going through better?
My mom has trouble with understanding that, whether it's something that's big or incredibly small, pressuring me to do things usually just makes me start to freak out and freeze up and it's just overwhelming. She's even usually pressuring me to do things I already want to do, or things I very much don't want to do for good reason. It's usually just really little things, and she just doesn't get that even if it's something small, it can overload me and freak me out.
For example: just now part of what she was pressuring me with was changing my settings so i stopped getting robo calls from work offering me assignments, and it was just like machine gun suggesting that I do it, it's not just one short blip, it's like going on and on and on and on, and like, I was too overloaded and kinda frozen during that to be able to tell her that I don't want to change that, and why (it reassures me i still have a job to go back to). All I could manage was to tell her to stop pressuring me, because it was freaking me out and overloading me, and I repeated that many times. It was just throwing gasoline on the fire but it's all I can manage to say at those times. On top of the pressuring, there is the crossing of my "stop" boundary, which adds another layer of panic, and then her escalation and yelling, which leads to even more panic and overload.
This just made her complain about how she's not asking me to do big things, she's only asking me to change my settings for work calls (which I don't want to do) and call my pdoc before sleeping instead of after trying to sleep - which she misunderstood as me not wanting to call her at all, because theres no WAY I could POSSIBLY even be SLIGHTLY capable of doing shit correctly the way I intend to. Also like why the f*ck would I not call her when I am f*cking going nuts with anxiety, hypervigilance, insomnia, and panic from my med dose increase? Why the f*ck would I want to subject myself to -more- of this or just quit meds all together? Jesus f*cking christ.
Instead, I'm too cranked up to be able to sleep, because of her kicking the hornets nest that is my PTSD.
This isn't the only way she kicks that hornets nest, it happens frequently, and in many different ways. Another thing she does, and just wont f*cking stop doing, no matter how many times I ask, is bringing up my trauma out of nowhere, not even talking about traumatic events, but rather just things that have to do with the fact that that shit happened to me. It's like... f*ck. I'll be having a good day and she will just trigger the shit out of me with that stuff sometimes.
How do I get her to stop doing these things so much? How do I get her to respect my boundaries when I say "stop"? She has so little respect for my boundaries. Touch boundaries, she breaks them, and it really f*cking freaks me out, it hurts to have that happen, but being kissed on the cheek or forehead or crown of my head by her pretty much makes me want to jump out of my skin, get away, it feels very violating. I hate it. She won't stop. She guilts me into it, she forces it on me, surprises me with it and scares the shit out of me while also triggering me hard. It brings back so many body memories, it's like it happens, and i get to feel some of the intense desire to recoil, and some of the many other violating feelings, that I felt during sexual assaults. My skin is crawling right now typing this.
What can I do to make her be a better supporter, and especially to -understand- what I'm going through better?