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My mother doesn't get it, like at all

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Sweetleaf

MyPTSD Pro
I typed up a pretty venty angry post at first but then calmed down some on it, and erased it all and started over, but im still really cranked up from it.

My mom has trouble with understanding that, whether it's something that's big or incredibly small, pressuring me to do things usually just makes me start to freak out and freeze up and it's just overwhelming. She's even usually pressuring me to do things I already want to do, or things I very much don't want to do for good reason. It's usually just really little things, and she just doesn't get that even if it's something small, it can overload me and freak me out.

For example: just now part of what she was pressuring me with was changing my settings so i stopped getting robo calls from work offering me assignments, and it was just like machine gun suggesting that I do it, it's not just one short blip, it's like going on and on and on and on, and like, I was too overloaded and kinda frozen during that to be able to tell her that I don't want to change that, and why (it reassures me i still have a job to go back to). All I could manage was to tell her to stop pressuring me, because it was freaking me out and overloading me, and I repeated that many times. It was just throwing gasoline on the fire but it's all I can manage to say at those times. On top of the pressuring, there is the crossing of my "stop" boundary, which adds another layer of panic, and then her escalation and yelling, which leads to even more panic and overload.

This just made her complain about how she's not asking me to do big things, she's only asking me to change my settings for work calls (which I don't want to do) and call my pdoc before sleeping instead of after trying to sleep - which she misunderstood as me not wanting to call her at all, because theres no WAY I could POSSIBLY even be SLIGHTLY capable of doing shit correctly the way I intend to. Also like why the f*ck would I not call her when I am f*cking going nuts with anxiety, hypervigilance, insomnia, and panic from my med dose increase? Why the f*ck would I want to subject myself to -more- of this or just quit meds all together? Jesus f*cking christ.

Instead, I'm too cranked up to be able to sleep, because of her kicking the hornets nest that is my PTSD.

This isn't the only way she kicks that hornets nest, it happens frequently, and in many different ways. Another thing she does, and just wont f*cking stop doing, no matter how many times I ask, is bringing up my trauma out of nowhere, not even talking about traumatic events, but rather just things that have to do with the fact that that shit happened to me. It's like... f*ck. I'll be having a good day and she will just trigger the shit out of me with that stuff sometimes.

How do I get her to stop doing these things so much? How do I get her to respect my boundaries when I say "stop"? She has so little respect for my boundaries. Touch boundaries, she breaks them, and it really f*cking freaks me out, it hurts to have that happen, but being kissed on the cheek or forehead or crown of my head by her pretty much makes me want to jump out of my skin, get away, it feels very violating. I hate it. She won't stop. She guilts me into it, she forces it on me, surprises me with it and scares the shit out of me while also triggering me hard. It brings back so many body memories, it's like it happens, and i get to feel some of the intense desire to recoil, and some of the many other violating feelings, that I felt during sexual assaults. My skin is crawling right now typing this.

What can I do to make her be a better supporter, and especially to -understand- what I'm going through better?
 
Maybe you could share some of the articles on this site describing what PTSD is like. You are going to have to get tough and put up boundaries. Let her know you need your space. My mom used to complain I was too touchy and made other mean comments. I finally told her I had PTSD from growing up with an abusive father, mother who thought staying with him was "in best interest of the kids," and had been married to an abusive husband. If she couldn't be supportive and respect my boundaries, then I would need to increase the distance between us as I needed time to heal. I stopped putting myself in places where she could try to shame me and limited contact for awhile. She finally realized I needed time to heal and gave me the time. After a couple years, we are now building a friendship and sharing more with each other than we ever had. She cries when she hears some of my memories as I had never shared them with her before and she had no idea things were so bad. She is becoming more empathetic and supportive. Set those boundaries and focus on healing yourself. It is hard and hurts a bit, but continuing to build bitterness because she isn't listening or respecting you is just going to make things worse.
 
Maybe you could share some of the articles on this site describing what PTSD is like.
I think this is a great suggestion!
Although not swiftly, I finally had to cut my mother out of my life for similar reasons you share. Nothing I said persuaded her to hear me. Once she was cut out and seeking contact I told her that while I loved her, my survival was more important than our relationship and if she wanted a relationship she needed to research and come to understand ptsd. I set the boundary that I was no longer going to debate my behavior or ask for understanding. She needed to approach me with knowledge and consideration about ptsd or not approach me at all.
I was surprised that she did it. She really did it. It is not perfect, but I cannot describe the weight lifted off me by no longer trying to be her teacher.
 
Sometimes you have to leave. You can say "I can't leave" but if you had no choice you could. My parents didn't want to hear it from me and I don't want to hear it from my kids. There is a time when your parents can't help you anymore and trying to get them to "understand" just causes more damage. I'm not trying to be unkind but having been in your situation and now having adult children of my own gives me perhaps a different take on things.
 
The short answer is that you can’t. People, places, things will trigger the hell out of you and the fact that she’s your mum won’t stop that and honestly, it’s not her job to watch your triggers because simply put anything could trigger you.

Yes, you can set boundaries but you then need to decide what you’re going to do if she doesn’t respect your boundaries, so if she touches you when you don’t want her to, what are you going to do to remove yourself from the situation? If she raises a topic of conversation your find difficult how are you going to disengage with that? It’s not a “stop” boundary unless you do something when the person doesn’t stop.

Unless you’re a child it’s not her job to keep you safe or watch that you’re ok - it doesn’t sound like she’s being particularly unreasonable so much as you’re having a reaction to her and she isn’t responsibile for your reaction even when triggered. We all need to manage our own response to triggers - by far the hardest part of PTSD for me.

I know things are hard for you just now and the stuff with your mum might be symptomatic if just how you’re doing generally. Maybe revisit distress tolerance and emotional regulation and try to get some space from your mum?
 
Today we actually talked about my touch problems. She asked if my aversion to touches/hugs etc. was because of my trauma, kind of trying to refer to it in a roundabout way, instead of bringing up the specific type of trauma we both had in mind. I told her that yes, it was that stuff. She kind of got quiet talking about it. I was too, and couldnt look at her. I told her about how I reacted while having my knees checked out by a doctor, and how it made me start to panic. I haven't really told her much about what sort of things go on with me, like that. I suppose it is my fault she doesn't get it. I feel bad for even making this thread honestly.

We've not had so many problems, since the time when I made this thread.

Maybe you could share some of the articles on this site describing what PTSD is like
I have such a hard time already, ever mentioning PTSD to her. I don't like saying that I have it IRL, like to anyone. Obviously a place like this is a total exception to that, and it's fairly anonymous here.

The thought has crossed my mind, to maybe give my mom some sort of literature, or something to read to help explain it, I just haven't been able to get myself to do anything like that.

Sometimes you have to leave.

I know, I left a long time ago, like, bounced right on the f*ck out, because even though it was way cheaper to live with her, and she wanted me to, and I was just starting off in university, I just wanted to be independent. I prefer living on my own -way- more than this, purely for the privacy and independence. But it's not a possibility right now. I'm not stable enough to be able to work enough to be able to do it, yet. Totally planning on it though. I want to have my own place again. That said, it is nice to not be alone all the time, like I would be living on my own.

Adjusting to normal life, after being deprived of it, and kept from it for so long, isn't as easy as I thought it would be. I wanted so bad just to hop right back into things like nothing happened.

People, places, things will trigger the hell out of you and the fact that she’s your mum won’t stop that and honestly, it’s not her job to watch your triggers because simply put anything could trigger you.

I would never expect someone to never trigger me, I just wish my boundaries would be more respected.

what are you going to do to remove yourself from the situation? If she raises a topic of conversation your find difficult how are you going to disengage with that? It’s not a “stop” boundary unless you do something when the person doesn’t stop.

I suppose this is pretty much what I'm asking, in a way.

What do I do? Aside from say "stop"

Do I just walk away or something? Go somewhere else?

Would that be too dramatic? I feel like I am bad at setting up and enforcing boundaries, just like I am bad at saying something when something is bothering me, or not being bossed around, so on and so forth. It's hard. For years I have had to -not- do any of that, I guess.

I'm not trying to say anyone's responsible for my reactions to things but me. I just keep having my boundaries ran over, I'm trying to prevent getting triggered, but it's not working. I'm fine with it being -me- who needs to do shit differently. But -what- do I do. I don't want to just be solving this by avoiding her, I am trying to do that less because that's not how I used to be.
 
I'm sorry that your mother doesn't get it.

My own mother doesn't get my PTSD, either. In fact she pushed & pushed me too, and when I finally pushed back she played the victim which divided the family and it's never been the same.

Oddly enough, she had a mild form of PTSD and she still doesn't get my PTSD! (Her co-worker accidentally ran over my mother and another co-worker with the company SUV backing out of a parking spot, the whole accident was probably 12 seconds and thank goodness no one was injured. For six months my mother either A) avoided parking lots or B) needed someone to walk through parking lots with her.)

I left my abusive husband, whom I was with for seven years. Hmm: 12-second accident or 7-year relationship...who should fairly be expected to 'get over it' first???

She doesn't understand how her pushing & pushing can really take its toll on me and apparently your mother doesn't either. I'm sorry that you're going through that.
 
Well I guess if you work out what your boundaries are and communicate them calmly to your mother and she does not respect them...in the short term can you remove yourself from her presence?

I'm not suggesting you walk out every time things get difficult. But when things are heading that way possibly if you told her that you are going out for a walk, going to your room, going to the library for a few hours - going somewhere safe when she crosses the line bc it is too difficult?

I realise that this might seem the wrong way to handle it bc you want and need to live in her home. However if she cannot respect your reasonable boundaries and they do need to be reasonable. Then a short absence for a few hours will work as a circuit breaker for the inevitable arguments and tensions that must be happening between both of you.
 
But when things are heading that way possibly if you told her that you are going out for a walk, going to your room, going to the library for a few hours - going somewhere safe when she crosses the line bc it is too difficult?

I try to do that, even calmly try to explain why I need to get away, but usually she actually follows me and starts yelling and making a bunch of noise. If I just disengage and walk to my room, she follows and pounds on my door (which reminds me of my abuser). If I start going to my car she follows me and yells outside and tries making a huge scene out of everything. I hate it.

She still won't respect my boundaries. She won't respect my privacy either. Apparently, being someone's mother is actually a blank check to go and violate their boundaries as much and as often as you please, and guilt your offspring if they don't want it, even if they were subjected to a whole lot of really horrible shit that makes being touched feel really unsafe and uncomfortable and just f*cking bad.

It's like she doesn't even give a shit, that part kills me. She knows that I have been physically and sexually assaulted for years, and she knows that -that- fat ball of shit is why I can't take her hugs or kisses, and still she tries to guilt me, as if I am entirely by choice arbitrarily going and telling her I hate being touched at all. It's not like I'm trying to make it feel like that. It's not like I want it to feel like that. That's just an example of things. She's not really changing.

It's just her.

I moved out at 18 for many good reasons.

I've also grown increasingly resentful at her frequent homophobic remarks, increasingly angry and resentful at the fact that she stayed with my father "for us kids" - meanwhile he sexually abused me (which she doesn't know), he was an alcoholic, a shitty father, just total shit - and she constantly complained about how shitty he was as a parent, she complained about his drinking, everything. She should have f*cking divorced him and spared us from his bullshit.

She also stuck me with him and always was off doing things with my sister, to avoid my father. I was not the golden child lol, my sister was the golden child, and she actually got protected from my father and his shit. I was literally f*cking thrown into it like a piece of garbage.

Anyway though. I'm trying to get back to work so I can just move back out. I really don't like living with her. It's just not something that would work out even if I had no PTSD, no panic disorder, no anything.
 
@Sweetleaf - your mother sounds like an abuser. I know you attribute your abuse to another person but really? This is abuse you described^^^ Your history with her is one of neglect - at least! But if this is how she behaves right now...this sounds like abuse.

I really think you are better off away from this situation entirely. I know you are aiming for this. I know you would leave right now if you could. Is there anywhere or anyone who can assist you in the interim?

How long until you think you can leave and reliably stay out of her home? I know...that is like asking how long is a piece of string. Sorry...

I had no idea she was behaving in such a toxic manner towards you. She sounds like she is totally out of control at times. I don't think I could manage to stay. I'd be constantly concerned about what is going to happen next in terms of outbursts. Particularly if you do retreat and ^^ is what happens.

I'm concerned that whilst you are staying to enable some sort of recovery from the trauma and then to get back on your feet financially... you are not going to really recover sufficiently and in good time to prevent further injury.

How can you get better with that kind of toxic behaviour confronting you on a daily basis?
 
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