Relationship My mother is destroying my mental health


@lostforgottensoul and @NoWhereKnowWhere - Yes!!

@as839 - take the Christian (/Western society mainstream culture) line Love others as you love yourself. To really get the proper and most loving, respectful meaning from this I read the explanation from a Buddhist monk (a person from a Western background who became a Buddhist monk in adulthood) - ie to truly be able to love another properly you must fill yourself right up with love and only then can you love another properly too ie as you love yourself. I think Tara Brach? May say something similar (though it could be someone else?) ie love yourself to overflowing and there will be overflow for others.

From the start point that you have healthy love for yourself, make sure your basic needs are met for food, shelter etc and also ability to maintain your mental health. Then you’re able to be loving, respectful and caring to her too. In this situation it would be to let her grow and improve (of course going through the growth stage can be challenging).

Don’t disregard and disrespect yourself and thereby her too by propping her up in her current iteration and enabling her to continue in her destructive way.
Don’t assent to being parentified(you seem to dislike it).

Be aware that you are being abused by her with this behaviour and that there is no love in it - from either side.

I want to say that you seem to be focused on your mother as the ill one and no doubt she is but your weak boundaries, taken as granted caretaking role and guilt ridden position would belie that she is the only affected one. Did you grow up with her?(ie no boarding school or living with your other parent separate from her). I suspect she didn’t become this way overnight. Growing up with such a caregiver can really do a number on a person. What is taken as natural is invisible and not recognised and extra powerful due to this.
Focus on you. You are valuable and more deserving than you know.

I also want to say that what can be clear as day to see for observers can be less so when it is the situation that you are in. When it is an “outsider” bad behaviour is obvious and you can say no easily but when it is one you have grown up with like a parent, while you are still emotionally vulnerable, your ability to see can be clouded and they can exercise outsize influence over you. You can be prey to getting sucked into vortexes.
Take care of yourself and know that in doing this you’re doing the best for all including her.
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