To offer some context, my mother is 53 years old and I am 28 years old. She has numerous health issues including suffering from an auto-immune thyroid issue, and she has suffered from depression for years. I also think she may be suffering from PTSD due to having had a traumatic life full of abusive relationships. In the past year or she has been increasingly pointing out how she feels there's moments when she feels like she's going insane, and she might 'do something bad' and how she feels like ending her life.
I have advised her repeatedly to go seek professional help, but her tendency is to use me as her emotional crutch. As her daughter and only child, I can understand why. The partner she has now makes her very unhappy, they fight all the time and triggers her panic attacks. However, she is financially dependent on him. For years, she couldn't get a job due to looking after her elderly dog and now that the dog is dead, she can't due to the country she is in imposing her to vaccinate herself first (she is afraid with her health problems, the vaccine will cause her issues so she refuses to do it). There have also been financial struggles impeding her from going to a therapist but every time she did have money, she preferred investing in her car because she sees that as an 'escape' option if she ever wants to leave my stepfather (he's not physically abusive, but like I said, they argue a lot).
Now my circumstances are the following. I live in a different country. I have significant debt that I am trying - and struggling - to pay off, which I've incurred partially to help her and partially because I have done my own fair share of mistakes when younger with credit cards. I am not happy in my job, as it has nothing to do with what I've studied. I am not happy with my career, or with the stage I am currently at in my life. I struggle with my mental health on a mental basis, and I am having to live in shared accommodation as I can't afford to live on my own.
I love my mother, I do not wish to hurt her or make her feel she's being abandoned. But she insists that in one year's time, I must arrange for her to be able to join me. I tried to explain, as gently as possible, that it'll be very hard financially and it's best to focus on her getting therapy in the country she lives in (as she knows the language there). That maybe she could regain her independence after a period therapy. She says she will, but then she'll have 'bad days' and she'll just automatically say things like 'I have no choice, in one year's time I will move in with you' or 'I know you think you can live alone, but you'll regret this later on' or she'll get very very angry saying that while she always supported my more uncommon life choices - not wanting to get married and potentially never having children unless I am very stable financially - she thinks I am being selfish and narcissistic. On 'good days' she'll try to bargain saying she'll cook and clean for me.
Here are the reasons why the idea of her living with me terrorizes me:
- My mother, even before her mental health deteriorated, has always had a bit of a type A personality. Things have to go her way or she gets anxious/upset. I've lived with her for a few months in the past, and 80% of that time was spent fighting over small things. It doesn't matter if she says things like, 'I will never ask you what to do with your money' because when someone is financially dependent on you, you will always have to reconsider how you plan your money.
- She does not respect the fact that I am very different to her. Whereas she's always needed to have someone around, I am very much the opposite. I am introverted and prefer a quiet, isolated space. I don't need to live with someone to feel fulfilled. I don't get lonely very easily as I have plenty of hobbies and my work. I get it that she must feel very lonely, but she is forcing her desire to be around someone on me. It makes me so uncomfortable whenever I make plans such as going to a city on holiday and her immediately saying she'll go with me. The moment she moves in with me, I'll become her some sort of her partner. She doesn't want to live with me just because she's in a bad situation or because she's anxious, it feels like she's expecting me to fulfil the emotional needs as her husband should have, but I can't do that without compromising my happiness.
- I cannot financially sustain both of us, not without long-term affecting both of us. Me, because I have plans I want to follow through to get to a difference place. Her, because she has medical and mental needs that will inevitably fall on me.
- The moment she moves in with me, I'll become her therapist. I've always been happy to educate my mother and to try and help her. But there are moments when her own internal pain cause her to be very selfish. I told her I might go study Psychology (criminal, not to become a therapist), then changed my mind as it would be too expensive. She immediately pointed out that if I go do that, then I can help with diagnosing and advising her how to get better.
- My mother has reached such a desperate, miserable state, she no longer is able to consider or see how I am truly doing. I do not expect of her do it anymore. It's too much of a burden and while it's heart-breaking, I get it she has enough on her plate. But her living with me, it would mean I will be entering e pseudo partnership in which it doesn't matter what I truly want.
- Finally, her suicidal tendencies. They keep me awake at night. When she says things like 'I only feel better after I talk to you' or 'you're my battery' how am I not supposed to feel responsible? I can't.
If my stepfather decides, tomorrow, that he wants to leave, my mother will be left alone with no income. I will have no choice but to become trapped. I feel like I am running out of time to enjoy my independence and to be myself, and my own person. I tried pointing out to her that I might want to move around, change jobs, try different things and she immediately points out that she'll just come with me. What really breaks my heart is how she has increasingly reached the conclusion that I am trying to abandon her, and cut all ties and try to ignore that I have 'family'. I am not. I have taken out loans and paid her things and tried to get her to turn her life around. I have tried to emotionally support her although I need help myself (and I have no one to turn to), I have made sacrifices costing me once-in-a-lifetime opportunities because it would be selfish otherwise.
I have advised her repeatedly to go seek professional help, but her tendency is to use me as her emotional crutch. As her daughter and only child, I can understand why. The partner she has now makes her very unhappy, they fight all the time and triggers her panic attacks. However, she is financially dependent on him. For years, she couldn't get a job due to looking after her elderly dog and now that the dog is dead, she can't due to the country she is in imposing her to vaccinate herself first (she is afraid with her health problems, the vaccine will cause her issues so she refuses to do it). There have also been financial struggles impeding her from going to a therapist but every time she did have money, she preferred investing in her car because she sees that as an 'escape' option if she ever wants to leave my stepfather (he's not physically abusive, but like I said, they argue a lot).
Now my circumstances are the following. I live in a different country. I have significant debt that I am trying - and struggling - to pay off, which I've incurred partially to help her and partially because I have done my own fair share of mistakes when younger with credit cards. I am not happy in my job, as it has nothing to do with what I've studied. I am not happy with my career, or with the stage I am currently at in my life. I struggle with my mental health on a mental basis, and I am having to live in shared accommodation as I can't afford to live on my own.
I love my mother, I do not wish to hurt her or make her feel she's being abandoned. But she insists that in one year's time, I must arrange for her to be able to join me. I tried to explain, as gently as possible, that it'll be very hard financially and it's best to focus on her getting therapy in the country she lives in (as she knows the language there). That maybe she could regain her independence after a period therapy. She says she will, but then she'll have 'bad days' and she'll just automatically say things like 'I have no choice, in one year's time I will move in with you' or 'I know you think you can live alone, but you'll regret this later on' or she'll get very very angry saying that while she always supported my more uncommon life choices - not wanting to get married and potentially never having children unless I am very stable financially - she thinks I am being selfish and narcissistic. On 'good days' she'll try to bargain saying she'll cook and clean for me.
Here are the reasons why the idea of her living with me terrorizes me:
- My mother, even before her mental health deteriorated, has always had a bit of a type A personality. Things have to go her way or she gets anxious/upset. I've lived with her for a few months in the past, and 80% of that time was spent fighting over small things. It doesn't matter if she says things like, 'I will never ask you what to do with your money' because when someone is financially dependent on you, you will always have to reconsider how you plan your money.
- She does not respect the fact that I am very different to her. Whereas she's always needed to have someone around, I am very much the opposite. I am introverted and prefer a quiet, isolated space. I don't need to live with someone to feel fulfilled. I don't get lonely very easily as I have plenty of hobbies and my work. I get it that she must feel very lonely, but she is forcing her desire to be around someone on me. It makes me so uncomfortable whenever I make plans such as going to a city on holiday and her immediately saying she'll go with me. The moment she moves in with me, I'll become her some sort of her partner. She doesn't want to live with me just because she's in a bad situation or because she's anxious, it feels like she's expecting me to fulfil the emotional needs as her husband should have, but I can't do that without compromising my happiness.
- I cannot financially sustain both of us, not without long-term affecting both of us. Me, because I have plans I want to follow through to get to a difference place. Her, because she has medical and mental needs that will inevitably fall on me.
- The moment she moves in with me, I'll become her therapist. I've always been happy to educate my mother and to try and help her. But there are moments when her own internal pain cause her to be very selfish. I told her I might go study Psychology (criminal, not to become a therapist), then changed my mind as it would be too expensive. She immediately pointed out that if I go do that, then I can help with diagnosing and advising her how to get better.
- My mother has reached such a desperate, miserable state, she no longer is able to consider or see how I am truly doing. I do not expect of her do it anymore. It's too much of a burden and while it's heart-breaking, I get it she has enough on her plate. But her living with me, it would mean I will be entering e pseudo partnership in which it doesn't matter what I truly want.
- Finally, her suicidal tendencies. They keep me awake at night. When she says things like 'I only feel better after I talk to you' or 'you're my battery' how am I not supposed to feel responsible? I can't.
If my stepfather decides, tomorrow, that he wants to leave, my mother will be left alone with no income. I will have no choice but to become trapped. I feel like I am running out of time to enjoy my independence and to be myself, and my own person. I tried pointing out to her that I might want to move around, change jobs, try different things and she immediately points out that she'll just come with me. What really breaks my heart is how she has increasingly reached the conclusion that I am trying to abandon her, and cut all ties and try to ignore that I have 'family'. I am not. I have taken out loans and paid her things and tried to get her to turn her life around. I have tried to emotionally support her although I need help myself (and I have no one to turn to), I have made sacrifices costing me once-in-a-lifetime opportunities because it would be selfish otherwise.