Childhood "My mother was not always a victim."

And in coming to terms with that sentence, I realized for the first time that my mother was actively involved in my sexual abuse.

When it came to my stepdad's physical abuse, she took 99% of it. He would beat her mercilessly. There were only 2, maybe 3, instances where I was physically touched by him. Once he broke my wrist, once he dragged me into a room. It was my mother he would beat and harm and maim and damage with his fists, his belts, his everything. There she was a victim.

But where she was a victim in that sense, she wasn't in a sexual sense and for so long, I believed he had raped her in front of me. But he hadn't. Somehow my mind had 'made that up' since it was better than 'your mother willingly had sex with your stepfather while you were in the room awake.'

When I tell people I am a survivor, I never know what to say I survived. Sexual abuse? Domestic violence? My mother, in every meaning of it, was an active participant in scarring her child for life. I looked in my mother's eyes as she orgasmed. I have never recovered. I have no sex life. I am afraid to have sex, and sometimes when I do, I have to think about my abuse to even finish it. I have 0 sensation in my sexual organs. And it's absolutely wrong that because my mother and stepfather couldn't control their own libidos I don't get to experience a wonderful part of being a human: sex.
 
Hi @BlackBlackHeart - you're not alone. Almost all of us here struggle sexually. I believe that is by far the most difficult part of abuse to come to terms with. A few of us here have managed to stabilize and have satisfactory sex lives, but most of us have not. Having to think about the abuse in order to reach orgasm is also very normal for us.

I'm sorry for what you went through and I'm sorry you're suffering now. I can relate. You'll find a lot of companionship here.
 
Hi @BlackBlackHeart - you're not alone. Almost all of us here struggle sexually. I believe that is by far the most difficult part of abuse to come to terms with. A few of us here have managed to stabilize and have satisfactory sex lives, but most of us have not. Having to think about the abuse in order to reach orgasm is also very normal for us.

I'm sorry for what you went through and I'm sorry you're suffering now. I can relate. You'll find a lot of companionship here.
I am both glad and extremely sad to know I'm not alone. Glad because it means it's a somewhat normal response for people who went through sexual trauma. Sad because, well, no human deserves to deal with this.

I did manage to confront my mother about it, but like everything else she put me through, she deflects. Her favorite line is 'I am the one who was hit, why are YOU messed up?'
 
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