BlackBlackHeart
New Here
And in coming to terms with that sentence, I realized for the first time that my mother was actively involved in my sexual abuse.
When it came to my stepdad's physical abuse, she took 99% of it. He would beat her mercilessly. There were only 2, maybe 3, instances where I was physically touched by him. Once he broke my wrist, once he dragged me into a room. It was my mother he would beat and harm and maim and damage with his fists, his belts, his everything. There she was a victim.
But where she was a victim in that sense, she wasn't in a sexual sense and for so long, I believed he had raped her in front of me. But he hadn't. Somehow my mind had 'made that up' since it was better than 'your mother willingly had sex with your stepfather while you were in the room awake.'
When I tell people I am a survivor, I never know what to say I survived. Sexual abuse? Domestic violence? My mother, in every meaning of it, was an active participant in scarring her child for life. I looked in my mother's eyes as she orgasmed. I have never recovered. I have no sex life. I am afraid to have sex, and sometimes when I do, I have to think about my abuse to even finish it. I have 0 sensation in my sexual organs. And it's absolutely wrong that because my mother and stepfather couldn't control their own libidos I don't get to experience a wonderful part of being a human: sex.
When it came to my stepdad's physical abuse, she took 99% of it. He would beat her mercilessly. There were only 2, maybe 3, instances where I was physically touched by him. Once he broke my wrist, once he dragged me into a room. It was my mother he would beat and harm and maim and damage with his fists, his belts, his everything. There she was a victim.
But where she was a victim in that sense, she wasn't in a sexual sense and for so long, I believed he had raped her in front of me. But he hadn't. Somehow my mind had 'made that up' since it was better than 'your mother willingly had sex with your stepfather while you were in the room awake.'
When I tell people I am a survivor, I never know what to say I survived. Sexual abuse? Domestic violence? My mother, in every meaning of it, was an active participant in scarring her child for life. I looked in my mother's eyes as she orgasmed. I have never recovered. I have no sex life. I am afraid to have sex, and sometimes when I do, I have to think about my abuse to even finish it. I have 0 sensation in my sexual organs. And it's absolutely wrong that because my mother and stepfather couldn't control their own libidos I don't get to experience a wonderful part of being a human: sex.