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My Name Says It All

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I'm a 42yr old male and live with my 64yr old disabled mother. A month ago we were the victims of a home invasion. This crime was committed by 2 women and a male. I knew one of the females. I was lured out of the home by one of the women with the promise of the repayment of a debt. I left with the woman and left the front door unlocked. I didn't want to wake my mother by slamming the door shut to lock it. The other female and male waited until I was gone and entered our home.

I came home a half of an hour later and noticed the front door was cracked open. Just as I noticed it, I heard the woman who drove me honking her horn from another street. I knew something was wrong. I walked in and looked towards my mothers bedroom. It was dark so I turned on the lights. My mother was lying on the floor with the room ransacked. Her face was beaten so badly she was unrecognizable. She was moaning and trying to touch her face. There was blood everywhere. I called 911 and held her hand to try and comfort her until the police arrived.

I was taken to the police station for questioning. I was interrogated for 11 hrs. I tried to tell them that they needed to find the woman who picked me up. I knew she was invovled. They also had me convinced I had something to do with it. I agreed to take a polygraph test. I was told that I had failed the test. They were trying to get me to admit to my involvement because it looked too suspicious. An hour after being told I failed the polygraph they said they were taking me home. The detectives who took me home told me that I had passed the test and 2 of the suspects had confessed. They caught all 3 because of the information I provided to them.

Once I got home the media fiasco began. I was a prisoner in my home for a good 3 days. I had to watch all the different media reports being taped live in my front yard. I decided not to do interviews. I did not want to hurt the state's case or bring more attention to the family. Most of the reports had misquotes or the wrong information. None of them were on the same page. Some of the media stations worded some reports that made me look like I had something to do with it. A couple of the reporters even sent me friends request to try and get an interview with me.

All 3 suspects are in jail awaiting trial for home invasion, robbery and murder in the 2nd degree. My mother is still in the hospital. She was in ICU for 3 weeks. She had surgery to repair a broken left orbital. Her liver was lacerated due to a kick while she was on the ground. She has limited sight in her right eye and may not regain sight in her left eye. She has a trach tube in and a drain for an infection in her spleen. She has been in the hospital for a month and might be there for a couple more weeks.

None of this would have happened if I didn't leave the house that night for a measely $40. I could have maybe prevented this if I would have locked the front door. None of this would have happened if I wasn't friends with these kinds of people. The girl I knew was in the room while the guy beat my mom. She knew my mom had cash at the house because I told her. I never thought that telling a friend this would make us a target. The girl I knew got my mom to open her bedroom door by saying, "Your son needs help. Please open the door." My mother was probably screaming out my name for help and I wasn't there for her.

For a couple weeks I couldn't look at my mom's bedroom. All I would see is a flashback of her on the ground. I still see images of that. I don't sleep much. The feelings of guilt are overwhelming and are constant throughout the day. If I do manage to get some sleep, my first thoughts are of her and then the whole cycle repeats itself. I can't help myself from getting emotional even in social situations. If the thought of my mother crosses my mind I start to tear up. The sadness and guilt are absolutely killing me.

I have one or two people I can kind of confide in, but I don't want to bother them. They have their own stuff going on. I don't want to be a bother to anyone and I'm too proud to ask for help. I have before in the past and was let down by a few friends. I'm not going through that again. I think I'm going to finally give in and call the counselors the Victims Compensation Fund have offered. I have no health insurance and no way to pay for such services. I'm hoping they will help.

I don't know what these symptoms are of that I have just described. I'm pretty sure it's PTSD mixed with some other issues I've had. All I know is that it's hard for me to just live life. I have to be there for my mom. I owe that to her.

*****UPDATE*****

I finally grew some balls and made an appointment with a counselor. It took me an hour and a half just to make the call. I don't understand why it was so hard for me to make the call. It will be another week before he can see me. It will be the day after my mother is supposed to come home from the hospital. She's been there since May 22nd, the day before her birthday. She still has no vision in her left eye and limited in her right. Every time I think about her losing her vision or when she tells me, "I thank God I can still see out of one eye". It brings me to tears. I can't even hold back the emotion when I'm in public. I don't want people to ask what's wrong or think I'm some weirdo.
 
Welcome to the forum.

I am so glad that you have made an appointment with a counselor. What happened is horrible. I can understand your feelings of guilt. The most that you are guilty of is making a bad choice. All human beings have made a bad choice. It is horrible that there are such horrible people out there that would do this. You did not do this. I know that if you thought such a thing could happen, you would not have gone. I think many of us have made bad choices that hurt ourselves or hurt others. I know I have trusted the wrong people. I am so sorry that this happened to your mother and to you.

I don't know what your problems were before this, but this is very traumatic. A therapist can help you work through this and refer you if you need medication. If you are in US, states have a victims compensation fund that will usually allow several visits from the local program, and unlimited visits from the state.

I was victimized in my home at age 50, I know what it is like to live where it happened, to flashback constantly and be unable to sleep. I was not hurt badly like your mother though. You are both in my thoughts and prayers. There is help out there.
 
HUGS!!! I hope the therapist can help you and I hope you can find peace. You were the victim in this and it was NOT your fault and I am so very sorry that this happened.
 
What a cruel thing those mean people did to your mother AND you! There's no way you could have predicted any of this. I'm glad you are seeking help so that you can be at your 'best' for you and your mother. I'm so sorry for you both that this happened.
 
That is awful. I think seeing somebody will really help you. It might be scary at first but what you've been through shouldn't be ignored.
 
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