Childhood My neglectful dad knows I have PTSD and he's offended

I think that is so true @abovedown , thank you for your words. I think the hardest is when people don't respect boundaries and it's something like a Boss. Or mistaking how can I do it, and still be loving for family. Or how can I do it for people who are not friends but try try to identify as such, but rather bullies such as some co-workers or acquaintances and I am outnumbered. I find it easy when people respect each other, as long as I am aware of what it is they need. And to live and let live, though that is painful when you are privy to watching someone hurting themself.
If your post is a mess, such is trauma. I'm a mess right now too and drinking. I think my story is close to yours - in emotion, if not in action.

My dad worked 120hr weeks in Wall Street. Financially successful. Parents taught core values. Mom is type 1 bipolar. Raising 3 kids basically herself. Dad sides with mom all the time, even to this day when she 'wants nothing to do with him' (yes she does, she is dysfunctional and hes rich and pays for her horses and rural 175 acre farm).

To this day she denies saying "shut the f*ck up or ill wrap the goddamned car around the goddamned tree" when i was 5 years old. or throwing a gallon of milk on the ground to intimidate my younger sister when she was asking for candy too many times (even though there are milk droplet stains on that beam, some 20 years later). or coming in when my cousin from another state was completing a puzzle with me one day, and because we were laughing too much or something (not sure honestly??) she takes the puzzle from the room and throws it in the furnace. We just sat there like "???????" - but my cousin was there. I'm not crazy. and?

you're not crazy.

Life is this f*cked up game of narratives. you might find the wikipedia for "brain in a jar" fascinating. think about it - we have 5 oftentimes very unreliable senses, that create electrical signals in our brains, that are the core of our entire perception and understanding of the world.

your father might not be willing to ever accept that he missed the signs of your mother abusing you, because if he did then that means he f*cked up. royally. it means his wife was a f*ckup. a royal f*ckup. and so what would you do, in that circumstance, if you were that far in your life? Upend everything you believed, discount what you thought at the time was "the right thing"?

I'm just trying to describe the very-little-sense i've made of my own situation. people have to cling to these things. even today, I'm pretty sure I've done "the right thing", but as I get older, I realize that not only was I bullied, but I also bullied. Not only was I abused, but I abused. Back in the day, i tried to make the best moral choice all of the time but now that I'm older I realize I just was. not. taught. correct behavior.

I don't think I've answered your situation entirely. I'd say distancing or going no contact might be a consideration. I went No Contact with my family for 10 years until this past November, when I received a message my mother had a ruptured colon and would die. I flew back immediately. I used to be afraid 24/7 of my estrangement. On staying there, I realized there was actually never any place for me in the family. They had too many animals, too many problems, and I was not the priority. Shortly after (this past week) my family stalked me to the city I'm living in now and I'm blocking them entirely.

It's brutal. But its a spectrum. I think you need to be able to brutally enforce your boundaries. Brutally believe that what you remember happened. Be open minded that your personal narrative isn't the only one, and perhaps no narratives are "the truth".

Completely unsure if this provided any help at all. "Sorry for the mess of a reply" - hahah