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My nightmares are ruining my life

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I never thought nightmares can affect my life, until the recent years of my life.
When i was kid, i always have interesting and strange dream. But they were never intense nightmare that would make me cry when i woke up. I used to have very interesting and strange dream that i can turned into a short story or novel. But these past few years, all i got is intense and strange nightmare mixed with repetition of my trauma.

A few days ago, or few weeks ago, i had a nightmare where i was in a family gathering with my dad's side of family. In real life, my dad's side of family are cruel abusive people, so does in my dream. The family gathering was set in a big restaurant, my pig cousin paid for everyone's meal. I was feeling really uncomfortable and anxious in the dream, and i thought the dream will turned into something worse, but then it turned into something really weird, the vision changed into a game i played in an app called Plato. The vision changed into a game called The Island. Basically this game is about the last man standing so you have to vote for someone to get killed until there is only one person left. Luckily the nightmare ended and i woke up in shock. I was grateful that the dream didn't go any further.

But then today, the same nightmare repeated, in a very intense ending.

I figured that this happened because i got triggered and anxious last night. I have a lot of aunties from my dad's family, all of them are abusive and love to torture me and humiliate me. But the worst one and the most obsessive are the one i named "Evil Auntie". She started obssessing with me since 2-3 years ago after i graduated from high school. I have a lot of free time at home and being at home a lot ever since i graduated high school and trying to apply to several best universities in my country. She sometimes came to my house and talked to me and she started growing a bond with me. I was just being nice to her but she claimed me as her favorite and she is obsessed with me. At first, she only came to my house twice or three times every month, but ever since she grew closer to me, she came to my house 5 times a week. She started obsessing with me in a bad way and controlling my life, she told me to do A, B, Z, X. She took me to places far from my house only to accompany her and be her robot. She forced me to attend many courses. She emotionally and physically abuse me, she loved to bully my appearance, she loved to find any little mistake i have. She loved to tell me what to do, deciding which person i'm allowed to talk, which friends i'm allowed to have, how i should act, how i should choose my dream. She forced me to go to many places out of town by train, and often she starved me during the trip. Even when i'm sick, she still forced me to go with her. I have been having several chronic illness since i was 12 years old but she never believe me and she kept forcing me to go to many far places with her. She took me to many alternative therapy (example: acupuncture, massage) in order to cure my illnesses (which is not actually her intention because she just want more power in myself that's why she took me to those places) and those places are always crowded and i have to wait in line for hours under the sun with no drink and no food. She did these on purpose to torture me. In the past she even took me to exorcism because she thought there's demon in my body.

My evil auntie often force me to wear what she approve, to always cover my body, to always wear certain clothing, to never wear make up, to never be nice to opposite gender. She want to control who i'm allowed to date, who i'm allowed to marry. She want to control what kind of work i should do after i graduated from university. She controlled my life more than any of my parent ever has. She loved to hurt my feeling with her cruel words, she loved to intimidating me, she loved to force me do house chores and force me to take care of my father despite my chronic illnesses. Because i took a gap year and ended up not getting applied in best universities in my country, she forced me to apply in a cheap bad quality university she wanted and she's willing to pay for it. But it's not because she care about me but it's because she wants to feel good about herself that she managed to pay for my tuition which are not much by the way. And also it's not from her own money, she damand money from many people. She thinks that she own me completely just because she paid for my cheap tuition and because she sometimes give me pocket money which is worth less than 5$. And she forced me to respect her completely and forced me to obey in whatever she told me to do or else she won't pay for my tuition anymore and scare me that i will be dropped out and nobody else is willing to pay for my tuition (financial abuse). She also always talk highly about herself, as if she is some kind of hero that helps starving children in africa. She is very arrogant and ignorant and selfish. She often forced me to help her and do hard work and forced me to translate tons of paper by my own hand. She forced me to get all A's and if she found i have B she will scold me and humiliate me and force me to get A for the next semester.

Her house is pretty far from my house but she is willing to drive to my house almost everyday just because she's obsessed with me and want to torture my life everyday. My parents neglected me and one is poor and the other one had stroke so they can't pay for my education. They let me be abused by my evil auntie even though i keep staring at their eyes when my evil auntie forcing me to do stuff or taking me to places hoping they'd help me or at least say something or defend me. But they don't. My father encourage my evil auntie to abusing me and be on her side and defending her. My mom care too little to help me. They just act like they are blind seeing me suffering everyday. Not only that i have to be my evil auntie's robot and go to places with her with train. I also have to take care of my abusive pervert father and accompany him to all places.

She also forbid every little thing i do. Because i have chronic migraines for years, she forbid me to drink cold water and making it into such a big deal. She forbid me to tell my friends that i have chronic illnesses because she doesn't want i get the privilige and attention i deserve. There are too many things that she forbid that i can't even remember.

I get really paranoid and scared whenever i hear vehicle's sound in front of my house because i'm scared it's my evil auntie. Often i had to pretend to sleep for hours so then i don't have to meet her.

My evil auntie also hired a private teacher to force me to become a teacher and do public speaking which i hate the most. A year and half ago i finally told her that i don't want to do any of the courses anymore because of my illnesses. At first she couldn't accepted my decision. So i messaged my private teacher and told him that i want to quit and i have many chronic illnesses, but of course he didn't believe me and underestimate my illnesses and he said i need to change my perspective on things. But my decision can't be changed. And then few days after we had a big fight because she forbid me to drink cold water, and then i talked back at her and told her i asked my doctor and i had proof of what the doctor said that cold water wouldn't do anything to me, and then my evil auntie screamed at me and told me that it's all lie and it's all because i'm too low that i want to follow my desire to drink cold water. And then all the cursing words came out from her mouth and she almost went physical again. I left the room and let her rambled to my father very loud so then i can hear her talking sh*t about me. I never apologize to her but she can't live without me so few days after she acted like nothing happened. And after that i don't have any courses anymore.

Then a month after, she found out about my whatsapp stories. I have whatsapp account and i often posted in the stories that lasted for 24 hours. I forgot to tap the "hide" option to hide my content from her. She found out that i love to take pictures (normal picture, just my face) and share it to public and that i sometimes share music video that include some nsfw stuff in them (not even that bad) and she took all the screenshot for the proof, then talked sh*t behind my back with one of my cousin that i called Pig Cousin. The two of them called me sl*t, wh*re, idiot, dumb and all the bad stuff in the whole whatsapp chat and turned out that they have been talking behind my back for a whole year calling me all the bad stuff and saying that i deserve to be r*pe and that i'm a sex addict.

My evil auntie and my pig cousin then came to my house wanting to confront me in front of my mom, and too bad for them i was sleeping, so then they told everything to my mom including the proof of it. And they also told my abusive older sister and maybe the whole big family i don't know. The next day my evil auntie came to my house and forced me to go with her to a restaurant and she confronted me and humiliate me in front of everyone and scolded me for hours saying that i look like a person that deserved to be r*pe and that i'm a sl*t, idiot, etc etc.

Ever since that, i changed my whole social media and number and tell my dad's side of family that my phone is broke and they can't contact me anymore especially on whatsapp and phone call. My evil auntie love to message me everyday and call me everyday for hours which makes me really tired and sick. But it seems that they are starting to get suspicious and they starting to realized that i'm making it all up.

Ever since that incident, covid came, and she didn't come to my house five times a week, she make it into 2-3 times a week. And then my father died (yeay!!) and she came to my house once a week or once every 2 weeks. Now that my grandmother died and covid has been really bad, she barely come to my house anymore which is good.

Sadly, last night i've been told by one of my brother that evil auntie told him that she wanted to check my grades for this semester and wanted to know about the college tuition for next semester, but she wanted me to share the information directly to her through my OWN whatsapp. That means that she knew i have a whatsapp and somebody told her something. So then i use my abusive little sister's phone to message my evil auntie and share the photos of my grades and college tuition info, as i scroll up through their messages, i found out that my abusive little sister snitching about my number and she shared my whatsapp number to my evil auntie.
Later, the evil auntie asked my little sister why I didn't message her directly from my own whatsapp, so i told my little sister "what are you talking about? my whatsapp is error". And my little sister bullying me and make me look stupid, she had the audacity to do that after sharing my number to my evil auntie.

So last night i was feeling really scared and anxious, i keep seing flashbacks of everything that evil auntie, my pig cousin and my dad's side of the family have been doing to me. I rather die that having to repeat all of that. All the torture and humiliation i had to endure. All the brainwashing they are trying to plant in my head. All the exhausting trip. All the controlling and taking me to crazy places. All the blaming for my father's death. All the curse words. I feel more and more unsafe. I already feel unsafe living with my 2nd brother and my oldest sister that have been actively trying to kill me, now i have more fear that evil auntie gonna hurt me again or control me again and trap me in her trap. I ended up falling asleep while having all of that in my mind.

The nightmare started when i just arrived in the restaurant where the family gathering happening. Somebody immediately said that evil auntie want to meet me and talk to me. I just know she is about to confront me, intimidating me, emotionally abusing me and scolding me for avoiding her. I feel really scared and anxious. I came to her table and in her table there are my other dad's side of family member, i can see pig cousin and some unknown people i never met before. Because i'm clumsy, i accidentally slip my cup and it's fall to the ground and it hurts one of unknown people who sit in the same table. He was bleeding and he stare at me blaming me. Everyone were in shock and immediately scolding me, blaming me and yelling at me. They all called ambulance and pig cousin yelling at me and screaming at me for hurting her family, she even have tears ran down her face. My dad (who already died) in real life also sat in the same table with us and made fun of me due to my clumsyness, so then i blown up, cried, and shaking and yelled at him "how can you say that? you often break a cup or plate and often make me bleed but nobody blaming you!! what what is it you're doing! why are you doing this to me? it's not like i did this on purpose! it was an accident! it wasn't my fault!"

Everyone were staring at me pointing at my dad, i looked around and i saw one of my cousin, let's say that her name was Zeze. Zeze was close to me at some point in our lives and i thought we were the closest cousin until i realized these past few years that she is nothing but a selfish person and she is just the same with the rest of my dad's side of family. So in the dream she was staring at me and laughing while covering her face. And i was shocked and said "even you..? zeze..? how can you do that..?" and she can't help to laugh more and pointing at my abusive oldest brother and said "i'm so sorry haha it just i can't help it, your oldest brother keep making fun of you". Zeze was trying so hard to cover her laugh with her hand. I stared at her with disbelieve and then i stared at my oldest brother who were giving me a mocking face. I felt more angry and sad. I felt humiliated. Everyone started to leave from the restaurant to go to the hospital to accompany that unknown person to hospital. Everyone stare at me with a disgusted face. While the restaurant started to be empty. The pig cousin talked to the owner and told the owner that they will be back in 6 hours as in there will be another event to make up for this one. The owner was begging to the pig cousin to not cancel anything. Everyone are blaming me. And the pig cousin of course giving me disgusting shameful look.

As the restaurant about to close (they will open again in 6 hours), i saw my bullies back in highschool, me and my bullies walked out from the restaurant and look around the mall (the restaurant was inside a mall). My bullies was wondering why i was being that way. And after i told eevrything, they underestimated it and said it's not a big deal, i have been trough similiar things, you're just exaggerating. So i cried more and i pointed at her and said "but.. But we we we are different person! my heart is not strong! i am very fragile! etc etc"

And thats all i can remember. I woke up with tears in my face. I was thinking "so that was dream?". It felt so real and painful. I reached tissues and wipe tears from my eyes. My eyes were very watery when i woke up. I'm afraid i was making sound as i sleep. When i woke up, people in my room were already awake and i'm scared they heard everything. Because they loved it when i cry or when i'm struggling. They would made fun of me and call me weak and sensitive.
I came back to sleep and i had another nightmare i couldn't remember. I keep waking up and go back to sleep.
It seems you're still in the trauma. Nightmares are the way your brain is telling you to get out of there. Is there a safe place you can go and stay there alone just to think alone and examine your options? Not even having to write them down of anything. Just thinking for yourself. It can start in a bus.

Situations of acute and permanent abuse leave you stressed and unable to think to see how to get out. You're under very high stress. As long as you don't get out of this situation it will get worse. Because everything is so unpredictable you loose all your energy in trying to anticipate these things.

At the very least you're resisting. Which means you exist and you aren't like these people. Is there any way you can place yourself out of reach?
It seems you're still in the trauma. Nightmares are the way your brain is telling you to get out of there. Is there a safe place you can go and stay there alone just to think alone and examine your options? Not even having to write them down of anything. Just thinking for yourself. It can start in a bus.

Situations of acute and permanent abuse leave you stressed and unable to think to see how to get out. You're under very high stress. As long as you don't get out of this situation it will get worse. Because everything is so unpredictable you loose all your energy in trying to anticipate these things.

At the very least you're resisting. Which means you exist and you aren't like these people. Is there any way you can place yourself out of reach?
Hello i'm sorry for late reply i havent been able to open this site.. I always stuck in DDOS thingy for whatever reason is 😔

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and responding to it, i really appreciate it ☺️
I completely agree with you, i definitely is still in the trauma. I don't really have a safe space like that... Probably in a mall, but i don't have any money to go anywhere or even to take a bus somewhere.

I agree with you.. Situations like these leave me stressed and unable to think how to get out, unable to think in a right way and make me really scared to think about running away since i'm already very attached with my abusers. I feel like it will only be worse i agree...
Whenever i feel a little better, new abuse coming right at me everyday because it's unpredictable so there's really no break from it...

Well recently one of my friend offering me to stay in her house for few days but it seems that she cancel the plan and arent willing to help anymore 😔
i have this one friend. not a close friend... well uh... we were a close friend back when i was in highschool... so like... 2-3-4 years ago maybe.... i'm not sure... but uh.. yeah we used to be bestfriend and chat everyday and share struggle and stories everyday... but ever since my senior year in highschool until now we never as close as we used to be because i am super depressed stressed and hurt by everything in my life and sudden change happen which is : i lost the chance to escape my family.
I was so hopeful and sure that i will move to other town for uni... but then my family stopped me.. they won't let me run... after so much blood, sweat, and tears i spent for study and be applied in my dream uni and dream town... they cancelled everything... it's all useless and i have wasted so much things money and eveyrthing and my family blaming me for things which are not my fault (they were hoping i'd be applied in number one uni in this country)
So i was really heartbroken.. because... that was "almost" my last straw. i put everything in that. and it turned out with nothing. i've tried all the scholarship and everything, everything to run. and? nothing was ever on my side, even fate and destiny. i have all the dreams and imagination for how my "uni" life would be but they ruined everything and force me to stay here and go to the worst uni in town.

I'm sorry about the ramble and out of topic...

But yeah so ever since all of that, i barely talk with that friend. until now. we only talk once in awhile and often i didn't have energy or time to reply her messages and will reply in days, weeks. It just so different now.... in the past she used to reply my messages as soon as she can but because i took so long to reply now... she also took so long to reply. in the past i told her i feel sorry for behaving this way etc etc and she said it's okay and she gives me many advice. and uh.. she is a nice person. she really is. but there's soemthing wrong with me. something really wrong.. i don't enjoy chats anymore.. uh.. i mean idk.. it really depends. and i dont even understand myself either. in the past i'd reply everyone's messages as soon as i get them but now i get so sick of chatting because of trauma in the past maybe because all my online friends left me, betrayed me in the end etc etc

so,... uh.. this friend.. she is online friend... she lives in a different city. we've met a few times before and had a good time. and she know some basic things or little things about my abuse story. so recently... i told her everyday i feel so stressed and pressured because of new abuse i've gotten everyday and my body is shaking and i have to live in fear all the time being around my sociopath brother and older sister, fear that they'd physically abuse me and attempt to murder me again. and... this friend is offering me to get some break for few days like.. staying in her house for few days... to get away from all the abuse for a little time and she will pay for the bus ticket. and uh.. i really appreciate it.. but to be honest.. i'm not materialistic or ungrateful or anything.. but i would love if she can pay uber to get there instead of a bus.. because.. i've tried to go with a bus before to her city and it was kind of traumatizing and scary... people in the bus are scary.. and no security, no ac, and soooo long to get there... and with covid going on it will be very dangerous for me considering my chronic autoimmune disease too which make it easier for me to get infected. but uh.. i don't know if it's okay to ask that... i mean uh... she does have money.... but still it can take a lot of money with uber.... i agree... uh... i haven't asked but i'm scared she will be mad or offended..

and not to mention i'm kinda scared to be social again, it has been a long time since i talk to people... uh... i mean... i'm not bad at that.. i mean.. i can always force myself to make all the topics and become talkactive and not being boring... it just takes so much energy from brain and physically... it'd be awkward if i;m being quiet while staying at her house... and honestly... her family and her life kinda intimidated me... she lives a total opposite life from me... she have nice family.. nice parents who would granted anything for her... rich... never been abused, bullied and all of that... her life is very different... she have tons of friends who care about her... but she is nice person. but sometimes i feel like her kindness is kind of passive aggresive like maybe she just pity me or something.. like sometimes she wants to help.. but not so much.. not always... not entirely... its hard to explain... and i understnad... i'm the fault of making a distant in our friendship.... i ruined everything perhaps...

i talked with my friend and explain about my fear of travelling alone in the bus... and we talked about going by train... and i'm not sure if i physically capable to travel that far using a train. And so i also tell her , i didn't have the money.. and.. uh... she didn't answer and change the topic... but it's okay maybe it's not the right time... so my college holiday ended and i havent been doing anything exciting...
Hello i'm sorry for late reply i havent been able to open this site.. I always stuck in DDOS thingy for whatever reason is 😔
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What could this nightmare mean?

I had a nightmare last night. One of my brother try to kill my lovely cat, he choked her until she suffocated and dying.

Its very scary.

He tried to kill my lovely cat. He said it's my fault. He said i let her starve for 3 days in her cage. He said he did it for the best. He said she will die more painful later if he didn't kill her right now. He said he pitied her, and this is for the best.

But because my lovely cat is so strong and have an urge to live for me, as her owner. My lovely cat manage to stay alive even though she is suffocating and dying... she was shaking... she looks horrible.. she looks really skinny...

She was dying right beside me in my bed... She was dying right beside me in my bed... she looks at me with her painful sad eyes.
It was very scary and sad...

She was holding my hand.. in my dream, i don't know what to do. Because i'm trying to obey my brother. I always think he is smart and know better than me, also he is older than me.

But in my dream i was so confused i was stuck between letting her die or not.

She will die due to dehidration and hunger if i let her be...

So i took a glass of water and a stainless straw to give her water... And then my brother blame me...

I woke up in shock, and immediately have a panic attack and cried. I was trying to contact some people online but none of them were available. Or none of them were care to be honest. It was very frustating when no one able to talk to me when i have a panic attack like this and after i woke up from an intense nightmare.

In the end i contacted someone that i used to have a crush on, we texted for a few minutes and this person immediately gone and didn't reply anymore and that's it.

People really don't care seriously... i'm thinking to maybe just delete that person from my friend list. I see no point keeping that person in my friend list if that person won't even spend time to talk to me or care about me. I cried and go back to sleep. I keep waking up every hour, i don't know why. I decided to stay awake after only sleeping for 4-5 hours. I feel really sick and immediately hug my cat. After yesterday, she haven't came back to my house.

I wonder why i have this nightmare. It's not new for me to have nightmare every night. But the brother that appeared in my dream... he used to be my favorite brother. He never appeared in any of my nightmare. This was the first time he appeared in nightmare, especially the intense one. I wonder if it's maybe because i started to realize how horrible and mean he actually is. Like... i used to think he loved me and care about me. But ever since he came back from overseas, he have treated me with no respect and continue verbally bullying me.

i felt really hurt and betrayed when my brother left me to boarding school when i was 13. i remember few days before he left, i was in a car with my family and i say "if my my brother left me, who gonna protect me from sociopath brother?"

And my brother said "thats true.. I wonder why he really hates you"

And my dad said "well she deserved it. She always do everything to make people mad. (Mistakes i do are always accident i never meant it, for example sociopath brother force me to cook noodles and i made it overcooked and it was an accident and they all blame me and always say i'm such a good actress, i was a child how should i know to cook?)

I thought my brother loved me and i always dreamt that we will be one day away from here living together happily in beautiful place. but he leave me alone in this dwell ;-; And when he came home during his holiday (highschool holiday, few years ago), i was hoping he would still love me the same but he changed a lot to be more mean and never care about me when i was abuse. He didnt love me anymore.. actually he never even love me from the start. in my childhood he'd protect me from my sociopath's brother but even at the time he would still make fun of me and verbally bullying me. He only love his friends. and i can never live with him.. he doesnt want me. He always want to be away from home, from me.

And then, he went to university in other country. He just came home a month ago. And he keep mocking me and making fun of me and fatshaming me with my mom. They all like to laugh at me and verbally bullying me. I don't think if he loves me, he'd do such a thing. He is so selfish, he lets mom hurting me all the time, he lets injustice happening all the time.

A day ago the same brother and my mother teamed up to bully my weight, my body, body shaming me. Laughing out loud at me, making fun of me and called me fat fat fat. My mother went to my old highschool because she have something to do there and i remember around my school there used to be a lot of tasty street food that i missed so i told my mom if she is able to buy me some of them and she said "we'll see if i can buy some"

And then usually when she said that, she will not buy it because most of the time when i asked her to buy something for me, she never do it. So then i asked my brother who were going out to buy something in the store, i asked him if he can buy me a street food near that store because it's been years since i eat street food that is similiar from streetfood in my school.

And turned out that both of them actually able to buy me the street food and when they found out that i asked both of them the same thing they teamed up body shaming me and blaming me and just making me feel really bad about myself.

And at night they bullied me again and body shaming me not looking at their own body as if their body already perfect. My brother is very insecure about his body and his weight and try out some diet but my mom always comforted him and told him his weight and his body is fine and that he is not fat at all unlike me.

So last night i binge when they are not looking and i only feel worse about myself and i hate it so much.

it's so sad that i have to accept this truth and to realized that there really anyone who is blood related to me ever love me besides my nephew who is only a toddler ;-;
The fact that he moved away and never ask about my condition proves that he never love me... Why would i think he loved me ;-; one of his friend told me that often he cried while listening to taylor swift's song because he missed me and my little sister since we both love taylor swift, but maybe thats a lie. Idk why he loved to verbally bullying me, i think that he project his insecurities and pain towards me or that maybe since he doesnt know love or ever be taught to show love, he showed it through bullying. Whatever the reason is, its never okay ;-/

Maybe my brother has always destined to be bad and abuser like my whole famly... especially ever since he went to an islamic boarding school for highschool, he was never a same person when he came back. maybe he was brainwashed by all the religious shit because he used to be an atheist before he went to that boarding school. why they steal him away from me...i wish i have real brother who love me.

If he love me he would never treat me that way, theres always a limit.

He seems really immature. and i hate that he showed to public as if he really loves me. I tried digital drawing for the first time using his ipad and he saved it and use it for a tiktok content "my sister drawing vs my drawing" and my drawing was really bad and i wasnt doing my best and i didnt know a lot of things to do in the ipad and he versus it with his best pictures.... but like in the caption in his videos he said "my sister tried digital drawing for the first time, i can see her talent" like.. stop acting as if you love me.

Everyone love that brother. He is extrovert, smart, and just a really fun person to talk to and hang out with. He have tons of friends and good relation with cool people. His life is so easy and he is planning to move to Japan soon and leave me all alone again like a trash. He never even thought to bring me with him. he will never stay in this house since he doesn't like it here.

And maybe the nightmare about him killing my cat, is because:
1. i started to see how horrible he is
2. my deep fear about my family hurting my cat and repetitive trauma because my family used to abuse my cats and i had to adopt some of my cats out
3. i don't feel safe living in this house with my cat knowing my family might abuse her when i'm not looking, or someone else around my area might abuse her as well
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And maybe the nightmare about him killing my cat, is because:
1. i started to see how horrible he is
2. my deep fear about my family hurting my cat and repetitive trauma because my family used to abuse my cats and i had to adopt some of my cats out
3. i don't feel safe living in this house with my cat knowing my family might abuse her when i'm not looking, or someone else around my area might abuse her as well
Nightmares aren't messages, in the they don't try and tell us things. They are where our brains sort through various thoughts, things that have accumulated.

This dream sounds like you are experiencing a lot of stress.

Instead of trying to figure out what these dreams mean - I'll ask, what are you doing right now to support your overall well-being, daily?
Nightmares aren't messages, in the they don't try and tell us things. They are where our brains sort through various thoughts, things that have accumulated.

This dream sounds like you are experiencing a lot of stress.

Instead of trying to figure out what these dreams mean - I'll ask, what are you doing right now to support your overall well-being, daily?
Oh okay... In my opinion nightmares might give us a message or like it have meaning as repetitive our trauma.

I do experience a lot of stress yeah.

Support my overall well being? I just survive. Survive with my chronic physical illness and my mental illness. Survive from new abuse everyday. Trying to not let suicidal thought get through me. Try to do my best in uni so i can graduate with cum laude and after i graduate i work and save money then run away from home and change my identity.
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