DID My part came out yesterday; where to go from here?

GiantSquid

New Here
Yesterday I unknowingly walked into situation where I saw a body on the ground and a nurse checking if he was alive. It was a major trigger to me, because I got PTSD in childhood when my dad died in front of me.

I don't know if I had absolutely worst trauma flashback ever, or whether my mind split or something, but my mind was taken over by another me, a Little One who was terrified about her dad. We were in a public space, travelling in a bus. She was very emotional and upset and in a shock. The other part of me, the adult part I thought as myself, told her to f** calm down, but she only got more anxious when I was aggressive. She did not know my dad was already dead. She kept seeing a body and her terror was horrible. I don't know if I cried, but Little One noticed wetness rolling down my face.
As soon as I got out from the bus, the adult me broke out the news to Little One gently. I told her my dad is gone. She went to pieces and started crying. It's been thirty years since my dad died, and I can't recall it hurting so much ever in my adulthood. We ran home. The Little One told me to lock the bedroom door so the little ones (my three children) wouldn't get afraid. Then she broke down. She cried and cried until my son came to knock on the door, and then she withdrew instantly, vanishing. It was the strangest experience in my whole life. I don't know what to think of it.

Today, the Little One emerged again. I was walking in a forest, and she suddenly interjected how daddy was proud of her walking so well in a difficult terrain. The adult me agreed with her gently (I remember the occasion Little One referred to) and she vanished again.

My therapist is not available until next week because she is attending a seminar. There has been some hints about having parts, but nothing like this has happened before. My husband is freaked out and I feel hurt about his reaction. I've tried to explain, but this is clearly over his comfort levels. He has been very understanding and helpful about my illness so far, but this is something he sees as strictly crazy. It hurts.

I have an appointment with my pDoc tomorrow. I know I should tell her about what happened, but I'm already hurt about my husband's reaction and it feels difficult to speak about it. I guess I feel protective towards Little One and I don't feel her appearance is a bad thing. Little One is a sweet girl and she's been already rejected enough.

What should I do now? I have good relationship with my trauma therapist and I know she will help me, but I have to wait a week. I like my pDoc too, but the experience was so very strange to me and it's difficult to speak about it in detail. I guess I worry she will think I'm making it up or it was not real, or wants me to start new medication to get rid of Little One.
 

StillPen

Confident
Wow! I know what you experienced was scary and alarming, but a great thing that that part within you could come to the surface to be comforted by you. My littles struggle (as do I) with secure attachment. It was not safe growing up in my home so it took a trigger much later in my life for one of my littles to come to the front to tell me how she was created (it was the strangest, scariest experience for me, I thought I had simply lost my mind). Each story is different because what we have endured is different, but I walk with you in this journey. I really suggest journaling the whole event, if you can, from your perspective or from your Little's point of view. It will help when you do get to see your T and/or pDoc. Be gentle with yourself and know that your husband is probably scared and wants to protect you from pain of any kind. I have to remind myself of the same when mine comes accross as unaccepting...they just cannot relate. Gentle hugs if you accept.
 

GiantSquid

New Here
Thank you StillPen, your message was very comforting to me. The experience was so intense and strange that it's relief to know someone else has gone through something similar.

Your suggestion is good idea, it will make it easier to tell. I actually wrote the event down yesterday and mailed it to my therapist, because I have a habit of disattaching from my experiences by becoming very clinical, and I was worrying I would belittle the event later on when telling about it to my T. I wanted her to have the real story. I'll make another copy and take it to my pDoc.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
you are currently doing what i do to manage such trigger events. sharing within my therapy support network helps me tremendously in sorting the unpredictable mixes of current day trauma from ptsd trauma. my pros are not the only nodes on my therapy support network. sharing with my peer supporters is equally effective. none of my supporters, peer or pro, can take away the pain of the trigger event, but it helps with the processing.

great work with little one. comfort her well and often.

gentle support while you process the sequences of events, both past and present. easy does it. be patient with the process.
 

ruborcoraxxx

MyPTSD Pro
Having parts manifesting have been the weirdest and the scariest experiences in my life. The sort of parallel thinking of knowing that’s you but not you. It’s really great that you could soothe that part by yourself, it’s immense. Sometimes it really feels like a ghost partially possesses you and then goes away or just drop a feeling or two. Having given names to my parts and let them express themselves or to each other really has helped me out to balance things.

The response I had from my friends have been of the sort "Okay now that’s a bit bizarre, but actually this isn’t a scoop, we know all you!!! We know Corax and Stripes and Pegasus, we saw them lol!". I was very surprised and it was heartwarming. Well they didn’t see the flashback-meltdown ones so it’s less freakish but the way I do explain it to people is… Is like having faulty gears and a compromised sense of what is now and what is past. Your personality might be even complete, but you have lines of break where you suddenly switch from a mode to another. Everyone has that to some extent. But it’s far more acute with people with a trauma history, especially young. Parts will show up most likely with collections of triggers or some triggers and only faintly understand this is here and now. Keeping all parts of page on the present is important for being more congruent in actions and have a good life.

When it comes you could have an open hearted conversation with your husband. It’s not something uncommon or something to be scared off, even if it can be a bit spectacular at times.

I think the book that has been the most significant in understand this for me is The Haunted Self. I relate to it a lot.
 

TruthSeeker

MyPTSD Pro
Yesterday I unknowingly walked into situation where I saw a body on the ground and a nurse checking if he was alive. It was a major trigger to me, because I got PTSD in childhood when my dad died in front of me.

I don't know if I had absolutely worst trauma flashback ever, or whether my mind split or something, but my mind was taken over by another me, a Little One who was terrified about her dad. We were in a public space, travelling in a bus. She was very emotional and upset and in a shock. The other part of me, the adult part I thought as myself, told her to f** calm down, but she only got more anxious when I was aggressive. She did not know my dad was already dead. She kept seeing a body and her terror was horrible. I don't know if I cried, but Little One noticed wetness rolling down my face.
As soon as I got out from the bus, the adult me broke out the news to Little One gently. I told her my dad is gone. She went to pieces and started crying. It's been thirty years since my dad died, and I can't recall it hurting so much ever in my adulthood. We ran home. The Little One told me to lock the bedroom door so the little ones (my three children) wouldn't get afraid. Then she broke down. She cried and cried until my son came to knock on the door, and then she withdrew instantly, vanishing. It was the strangest experience in my whole life. I don't know what to think of it.

Today, the Little One emerged again. I was walking in a forest, and she suddenly interjected how daddy was proud of her walking so well in a difficult terrain. The adult me agreed with her gently (I remember the occasion Little One referred to) and she vanished again.

My therapist is not available until next week because she is attending a seminar. There has been some hints about having parts, but nothing like this has happened before. My husband is freaked out and I feel hurt about his reaction. I've tried to explain, but this is clearly over his comfort levels. He has been very understanding and helpful about my illness so far, but this is something he sees as strictly crazy. It hurts.

I have an appointment with my pDoc tomorrow. I know I should tell her about what happened, but I'm already hurt about my husband's reaction and it feels difficult to speak about it. I guess I feel protective towards Little One and I don't feel her appearance is a bad thing. Little One is a sweet girl and she's been already rejected enough.

What should I do now? I have good relationship with my trauma therapist and I know she will help me, but I have to wait a week. I like my pDoc too, but the experience was so very strange to me and it's difficult to speak about it in detail. I guess I worry she will think I'm making it up or it was not real, or wants me to start new medication to get rid of Little One.
Do some fun things with Little One in the meantime to know you are there. Fun things are distracting at a time like this. Maybe watch her favorite movie with her and make her favorite movie time snack for ya'll to enjoy after your kids are asleep. You can write to her to ask her movie and fav. snack if you don't already know. If she can write....she could tell you...or ask her "inside" and maybe you can learn that way.
 
Top