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Relationship My partner has been isolating himself - what is the best way to ask about it?

D-sweet

Learning
We are kind of in a new relationship (7months). He has once causally mentioned that he has PTSD. He is currently very stressed and has been disappearing from our relationship for week(s) each time from time to time when he was overwhelmed by demanding workloads. When he reappeared, he would be like nothing happened. i tried to talk every time but still very difficult to get to a point.

I don't want to make PTSD as an excuse for bad behaviors but I am concerned that it could be the reason. What is the best way to get an understanding?

I just wish he could give me some clues (even without telling me what the trauma was) if it's PTSD acting in between.

thanks
 
Is there anything I can possibly do to make him feel less stress from handling me while he switched off?

Ok. I’m an actual supporter dealing with this from the same side. My partner is an isolator too, and that shit is for the birds in the beginning. Don’t try to make sense of it, it does not make sense to anybody but him. You have to deal with it pragmatically instead of trying to “talk it out” or reason with him. In his mind it’s rational behavior, the end.

Deciding if you are ok with isolation periods is the first step. What are your boundaries and feelings? How long is isolation acceptable to you? Are you willing to put up with this nonsense forever? Communicate your boundaries and feelings when he is in a good place. Learn his boundaries. If after all this, you both mutually decide you are ok with all this in your relationship, then you can move to the next steps.

We can’t help, and we can’t fix. Realizing that is the second step to managing this. The more you seek answers and engagement from him, the more stress you cause. If he is in survival mode he is not going to manage deep relationship talks. He can’t manage his own feelings, he’s not going to deal with yours.

Third, you’ll need to relax. This is not about you. This is about him not being able to cope. Stop taking it personally. We’re focused on our relationship. They’re trying not to drown.

Fourth, start considering giving space a loving act. He needs space to feel better, and giving him space without taking it personally, worrying about what it “means for the relationship”, or making it an issue is helping him get the space he needs without piling onto the stress pile he already cannot manage.

This has zero to do with how he feels about you. The easiest thing in the world would be for him to bugger off all together. The fact he does come back means more than you think.
 
I found it a bit pushy that he kept pushing me to look at my problems instead
I know you're sort of acknowledging this here:
I also agree that its important to work on my own issues to be emotionally healthy for this. I am aware my insecurity could magnify the impact in the relationship.
But I'm going to push back a little, because of the part I bolded. It's important for your therapy to be about you, period. Work on finding how to be emotionally centered in yourself because you want to feel more secure in yourself - you can't make your partner the motivation for your own therapy, that will just not work - and IMO any decent therapist would push back on this. So, I think they are actually doing right by you.
and said people with PTSD won't isolate
Well, without context it's hard to know what they meant. I think @Freida's advice to get a new therapist isn't necessarily good advice.

What's important is that you feel comfortable working with a therapist - THAT matters a great deal.

But your therapy is only about you. It's not about how you can be a better partner for someone with PTSD.
 
has been disappearing from our relationship for week(s)

Yah. Check out our supporter discussion section && you will find this refrain again and again.

"Fight or flight" is governed by our baser & emotive brain structures (the pons, medulla oblongata, amygdala, septum) and is an involuntary reaction to perceived physical threat. When you are in danger, these responses activate to give you the best chance of survival.

When you have PTSD, any little stress is suddenly interpreted as a physiological threat response by the brain because our neurological structures have changed and the benign is wrongfully interpreted as harmful.

Increased workloads is a big stressor & thus it would naturally result in these pathways activating. & as a result we can react aggressively (fight) isolate, or flee (flight).
 
Yah. Check out our supporter discussion section && you will find this refrain again and again.

"Fight or flight" is governed by our baser & emotive brain structures (the pons, medulla oblongata, amygdala, septum) and is an involuntary reaction to perceived physical threat. When you are in danger, these responses activate to give you the best chance of survival.

When you have PTSD, any little stress is suddenly interpreted as a physiological threat response by the brain because our neurological structures have changed and the benign is wrongfully interpreted as harmful.

Increased workloads is a big stressor & thus it would naturally result in these pathways activating. & as a result we can react aggressively (fight) isolate, or flee (flight).
Thanks for sharing. It’s really helpful. I didn’t mention an important part, I lost my patience at a point recently (cause this wasn’t the first time) and told him I felt disrespected and hurt when he kept ignoring me. I feel bad now to have said something which probably stressed him more and pushed him further away. I don’t know what I should do for remedy.
 
I feel bad now to have said something which probably stressed him more and pushed him further away.

The unfortunate reality is that all competent adults with mental illness are responsible to conduct themselves.

For me, I was an isolator and would also disappear for weeks on end. My ex would get abandonment triggers as a result. I wasn't able to change my behavior and he wasn't able to cope with long periods of abandonment, so we had to break up as we were not compatible. I just wasn't ready for or capable of being in that relationship.

Sometimes that happens. There's no need in my opinion for you to experience guilt over genuine hurt. He may not be able to change his behaviors && that is on him, but you are entitled to your emotions. A reason isn't an excuse & if he wants to be in a reciprocal relationship with another person that involves learning to communicate effectively.
 
The unfortunate reality is that all competent adults with mental illness are responsible to conduct themselves.

For me, I was an isolator and would also disappear for weeks on end. My ex would get abandonment triggers as a result. I wasn't able to change my behavior and he wasn't able to cope with long periods of abandonment, so we had to break up as we were not compatible. I just wasn't ready for or capable of being in that relationship.

Sometimes that happens. There's no need in my opinion for you to experience guilt over genuine hurt. He may not be able to change his behaviors && that is on him, but you are entitled to your emotions. A reason isn't an excuse & if he wants to be in a reciprocal relationship with another person that involves learning to communicate effectively.
Thanks Weemie for sharing your experiences. I am sorry it didn't work out but understand compatibility is one of the keys for maintaining a relationship. Is it ok if I ask him directly if it's PTSD via text while he is isolating? Would that make him feel more stressed or cared in your experience?
 
I'm a huge isolator so hubby and I had to set ground rules (when I was in a calm place)
The big one is....
My rule: I have to check in once a day if I take off and tell him where I am so he knows I'm ok
His rule: He has to leave me alone when I'm in that place.

He can't break thru the isolation - no matter how much he wants to help, because when I am in that place it's like my supporters just vanish. My brains are so undone that all I see is danger and darkness. I think that's the hardest part for supporters.
You cease to exist in my world

Now - with that being said. PTSD does not give us the right to treat people like crap,
I lost my patience at a point recently (cause this wasn’t the first time) and told him I felt disrespected and hurt when he kept ignoring me.
You have every right to this ^^^ because it is disrespectful. Chances are high that right now that doesn't mean anything to him, but when he gets past this round it gives you a starting place for how you want your relationship to work.
If he can't agree to those rules? Or he refuses to get help? Then you will have to decide if that's how you want your relationships to work or if you want to move on
 
s it ok if I ask him directly if it's PTSD via text while he is isolating?
Sorry - just saw this.
Nope
Because it's an unanswerable question
Now, after years of therapy, I get when my ptsd is kicking in and making me isolate
But before that? I wouldn't have been able to answer if that was the problem or if I just hated people, so asking me that would have just pissed me off. Because it's pointing out that I have ptsd - the very thing I'm running from
 
I'm a huge isolator so hubby and I had to set ground rules (when I was in a calm place)
The big one is....
My rule: I have to check in once a day if I take off and tell him where I am so he knows I'm ok
His rule: He has to leave me alone when I'm in that place.

He can't break thru the isolation - no matter how much he wants to help, because when I am in that place it's like my supporters just vanish. My brains are so undone that all I see is danger and darkness. I think that's the hardest part for supporters.
You cease to exist in my world

Now - with that being said. PTSD does not give us the right to treat people like crap,

You have every right to this ^^^ because it is disrespectful. Chances are high that right now that doesn't mean anything to him, but when he gets past this round it gives you a starting place for how you want your relationship to work.
If he can't agree to those rules? Or he refuses to get help? Then you will have to decide if that's how you want your relationships to work or if you want to move on
Thanks Freida, I would love to have a conversation with him how to face this together when it hits. but I still haven't got a chance to talk to him especially I don't even know if he will come back this time after I pushed him away by criticizing him hurting me even though I know not being unreasonable to feel that way. I will be patient and wait until he reaches out and try to speak him.

If it were me I would just literally ignore it. I'm isolating! LOL. But I was also very communicative and up front about my shit when I was with him. It was just the logistics of the reality of those things that wasn't sustainable.
Do you always come back to your partner after you feel better and how did you feel when you have come back after being away for a while?
 
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