My partner was abused as a child. Looking for advice

[stoffel105]

3 months ago I met the most amazing girl on earth.
She is perfect for me. I am 38 and never before have I been so in love and felt so connected to someone.
She also feels the same way along her side and says she has never felt so safe in a relationship.

As a child she was a victim of child abuse. She told me this after a few weeks, before we had sex for the first time. I already noticed a brake once we became intimate.
Despite this, we have great sex and we both enjoy it, and we also both have orgasms.
I notice that she is limited in the acts and variations we do, but I respect that.
2 weeks ago we had another great night of sex. After sex, however, she crashed and broke down. She had started crying inconsolably and wanted to go home. Until 3 years ago she never came out with this and only dealt with this. Since then she has been in therapy. So a logical reaction that she wanted to be alone, but I was able to calm her down, cuddle her and she stayed with me anyway and it pleased her too.
Last week we had sex again, but she was much more inhibited than before. I obviously respect her boundaries, and we only do what she herself wants at that moment.

The day after, we talked via text and she apologized for having this backlash.
I reassured her that there is no reason for her to apologize to me, and told her that I have enormous respect for her and how she is handling this. And we can handle the future together with the known difficulties.

To this she responded that she doesn't feel that way. And she feels “stupid” because she can't have a normal relationship as she would like. She says I say the kind words now but will get tired of this at some point. And consequently wonders why she started relationship herself if she can't be she who she wants to be in a relationship.

I have refuted this, and said that I will not let her go, and will always continue to support her and love her. It's not just about sex. It is still early days, but everything in our relationship is just unseen perfect so far.

Can you advise me how, on the one hand, to help her feel at one with her body at the time of sex. And on the other hand, how should I handle that she does currently feel my support is “sweet,” but something she doesn't believe in long term. It hurts me when she says I won't be able to continue supporting her that way.

Thanks in advance for your advice.

 

[OM_™]

CSA has lifelong implications and it is going to be a ‘journey’ for you both. I am a male survivor of CSA and have been married for 40+ years and I still have flashbacks and nightmares. It’s also difficult to know when intimate contact will trigger a panic attack or depressive episode. I am fortunate that my wife is very understanding and doesn’t take it personally. Try not to get upset and know that her insecurities are not personal.

 

[Movingforward10]

I'm in my 40s and only really started coming to terms with it a few years ago. I've been in a relationship for 20 years (same sex). And when I started therapy: I cried after sex each time and would need to be on my own. I couldn't cope with my partner's care and concern. I just needed to isolate.
Now, after a few years of therapy, sometimes I cry and sometimes I don't, but I don't need to isolate anymore.

I always felt bad that my partner would think it was her. And it wasn't. And I was also very glad that we had many years together so that I knew she was safe.

So, all you can do is be there for her. She might have all sorts of reactions. She may say yes to something or not say no, but it was triggering in any event. I know I did. I know I didn't say stop when I should have. Even when my partner sensed we should stop, I said carry on when I should have agreed to stop.

It's a difficult rocky thing to go through.
Communication is key. Before, during and after.

 

[OM_™]

I'm in my 40s and only really started coming to terms with it a few years ago

Great reply, I sometimes still cry after sex — males aren’t supposed to cry — and just this morning I had to open my eyes to make myself believe that she was still with me, and we’ve been together for 42 years. In my case it was basically ’child rape’ that has set me up for a lifetime of sexual insecurity and self-loathing and just when I think that it was ‘all in the past’, Boom-Bang, I regress and need to be alone. I don’t even want to hear the well intentioned words, “It’s not your fault. You were only a child” because I am still scarred and I am still scared. These emotional scars are like ghosts that shout ‘BOO’ at the most inappropriate moments and other times when you are just doing nothing special.

stoffel105, kindness, patience and being open are traits that you already seem to possess. Don’t forget that you will sometimes need to be listened to as well, I guess that’s why you are on this forum.

 

[Roland]

I was abused as a child and I've thought and said the exact same things you wrote that she said. It's hard. But it's something she has to work through. Be consistent, show her that you're different, that you're there for her.

As far as sex goes it's really tricky. Some couples find a lot of success with having a code system for when they're getting triggered (a word, hand signal, etc). My husband ended up having to "read me" which isn't ideal but he's gotten quite good at it. Check in with her often, especially if you aren't seeing obvious signs of enjoyment or her being present. It won't take long for you to catch her tells if you're looking for them.

I personally found a lot of healing from dance, exercise, and private/solo expressions of sexuality.

You can't be her savior. You can help and support but she has to do a lot of hard work. CBT helps a lot, realizing what she believes as core beliefs aren't true and slowly learning what is true.

 

[Friday]

Abused children can be amazing, or terrible, adults. Rarely is there a mediocre one. In my own experience. Which is she? That’s your experience. Amazing? Mediocre? Terrible?

 

[katz]

3 months ago I met the most amazing girl on earth.
She is perfect for me. I am 38 and never before have I been so in love and felt so connected to someone.
She also feels the same way along her side and says she has never felt so safe in a relationship.

As a child she was a victim of child abuse. She told me this after a few weeks, before we had sex for the first time. I already noticed a brake once we became intimate.
Despite this, we have great sex and we both enjoy it, and we also both have orgasms.
I notice that she is limited in the acts and variations we do, but I respect that.
2 weeks ago we had another great night of sex. After sex, however, she crashed and broke down. She had started crying inconsolably and wanted to go home. Until 3 years ago she never came out with this and only dealt with this. Since then she has been in therapy. So a logical reaction that she wanted to be alone, but I was able to calm her down, cuddle her and she stayed with me anyway and it pleased her too.
Last week we had sex again, but she was much more inhibited than before. I obviously respect her boundaries, and we only do what she herself wants at that moment.

The day after, we talked via text and she apologized for having this backlash.
I reassured her that there is no reason for her to apologize to me, and told her that I have enormous respect for her and how she is handling this. And we can handle the future together with the known difficulties.

To this she responded that she doesn't feel that way. And she feels “stupid” because she can't have a normal relationship as she would like. She says I say the kind words now but will get tired of this at some point. And consequently wonders why she started relationship herself if she can't be she who she wants to be in a relationship.

I have refuted this, and said that I will not let her go, and will always continue to support her and love her. It's not just about sex. It is still early days, but everything in our relationship is just unseen perfect so far.

Can you advise me how, on the one hand, to help her feel at one with her body at the time of sex. And on the other hand, how should I handle that she does currently feel my support is “sweet,” but something she doesn't believe in long term. It hurts me when she says I won't be able to continue supporting her that way.

Thanks in advance for your advice.

It sounds like you're doing a wonderful job. Love. Acceptance. Comfort. Understanding. Don't worry. These "systems" are common for someone who has been hurt like this.

I had some of the same things happen to me when I was back in my 20's. I dated him. Then we married--then the memories started coming. I was having a very hard time dealing with the physical and emotional memories that just came pouring out of me.

It is very hard to understand how her thinking works, due to her background. But, believe me, you are doing wonderful in how you are supporting her and being patient. Why don't you see about finding her some counseling? If she won't go - ask to go with her. You might find out that she will feel better with your support. It will also help you to understand how and why she feels this way. You could even call a free hotline, by yourself, to ask someone any questions you have on how to deal with this. You may feel better too, after talking to someone even by yourself.

 

[stoffel105]

I was abused as a child and I've thought and said the exact same things you wrote that she said. It's hard. But it's something she has to work through. Be consistent, show her that you're different, that you're there for her.

As far as sex goes it's really tricky. Some couples find a lot of success with having a code system for when they're getting triggered (a word, hand signal, etc). My husband ended up having to "read me" which isn't ideal but he's gotten quite good at it. Check in with her often, especially if you aren't seeing obvious signs of enjoyment or her being present. It won't take long for you to catch her tells if you're looking for them.

I personally found a lot of healing from dance, exercise, and private/solo expressions of sexuality.

You can't be her savior. You can help and support but she has to do a lot of hard work. CBT helps a lot, realizing what she believes as core beliefs aren't true and slowly learning what is true.

Thanks for you reply. We are now 3 months further and I recognize some things you say. I can already read her better during sex. She already did CBT before we met. She took a pause now, because she saids it's very hard for her to do, and she is feeling good and happy at the moment without it. Within a few months she will continue

Abused children can be amazing, or terrible, adults. Rarely is there a mediocre one. In my own experience. Which is she? That’s your experience. Amazing? Mediocre? Terrible?

She is really the amazing person. I have so much respect for her. Except of the abuse she also lost very important persons in her life.
That did not stop her from succeeding in her enormously demanding studies. She really became an amazing and friendly person.
The things the trauma caused and I think physically affect her, is that she tires easily on social events and is also very sensitive which results in easily crying. I think it's very normal and I don't have a problem on supporting her of course

It sounds like you're doing a wonderful job. Love. Acceptance. Comfort. Understanding. Don't worry. These "systems" are common for someone who has been hurt like this.

I had some of the same things happen to me when I was back in my 20's. I dated him. Then we married--then the memories started coming. I was having a very hard time dealing with the physical and emotional memories that just came pouring out of me.

It is very hard to understand how her thinking works, due to her background. But, believe me, you are doing wonderful in how you are supporting her and being patient. Why don't you see about finding her some counseling? If she won't go - ask to go with her. You might find out that she will feel better with your support. It will also help you to understand how and why she feels this way. You could even call a free hotline, by yourself, to ask someone any questions you have on how to deal with this. You may feel better too, after talking to someone even by yourself.

Thanks for the kind words. She already go trough therapy. She is now in a pause. I would definitely go with her if she would like to.
We are now 3 months on and I we are progressing really well. Slow but well. And we are both enjoying ourselves :)