Undiagnosed My personal hell

NotSoSweet

New Here
Hi. This is my first post here. I've had a lifetime of trauma starting with a close relative who made me grow up feeling like no matter how good a kid I was, I was never good enough. I grew up insecure and entered a horrendous marriage with a narcicistic emotionally abusive man, which left me struggling to repair my shattered mental health for 7 years before I tried dating again. The next man ended up inappropriately touching a teenager. That ex's mother blamed me for letting him be in the same room with a teenager without me (like fondling a kid we'd known since she was 10 was inevitable just because she was there), and she terrorized me with threats and phone calls after I found out & kicked him to the curb, to the point where I had to call the police & file a report. Got out of that hell, found the love I didn't know I was capable of with a woman later that year, only to become incredibly sick a year later, just a few months after she moved in, which threw her into caretaker role, a huge change and a struggle for both of us. Local healthcare decided that because they saw anxiety in my chart, I wasn't actually sick. They treated me like I was a junkie despite my not using drugs or alcohol, they made me talk to social workers to try to have me committed from the ER instead of helping me. There were months where we thought I might actually die because I couldn't keep any kind of food or water in without immediately throwing it up and no doctor wanted to help. Almost 2 years after the illness started, I found out my ovary, which local healthcare had told me was "fine and couldn't cause any problems" the year before when I had severe pelvic pain, was a 4.5 inch mass that they "didn't like the look of." It had ruptured during those 2 years, making me sick. The out of town surgeon who removed it for me called it "impressive" for lack of a better term when she was trying to describe the mass to me. And this isn't the first time local healthcare has almost killed me.

I will be traveling for all of my healthcare needs from now on, but the gaslighting by medical personnel over the last couple of years recreated all of the trauma from my marriage, made loved ones wonder if I was really sick, made me doubt my own sanity, made my relationship such a mess that it took months of solid work after the surgery for my fiancee and I to both feel loved and respected and safe to share everything with each other again. We are in such a good place again, even better than we were before I got sick, and my family and I finally feel validated that I wasn't just crazy, but now I'm left with the work of calming all my trauma symptoms. I still have some residual health issues & I panic when I need to go see a doctor, my first instinct is still to hide symptoms or unhappiness from those around me even when it's safe to share, my night terrors picked up again during my 2 year ordeal and are still happening, the flashbacks of pure panic and fear and weeping are horrendous.

I had been stable for so long before I got sick and now the symptoms are as bad as they were after my marriage first ended, even though I have a huge amount of support around me. It makes functioning every day so difficult. I am so tired of not feeling well. I am so tired of having my brain dredge up the worst moments of my life to torture me with. I've made an appointment with a psychiatrist but am terrified of seeing a new doctor. Terrified of having them not believe me. I decided I needed a place to share my story and my fears with peers who have the same issues, which is why I'm here. I'm looking for support from people who understand, and I hope to offer the same.
 

coraxxx

Sponsor
Welcome @NotSoSweet . I’m sorry for all what you went through, but happy you seem on a path that will allow you to heal and find some quiet. Here you’ll find many understanding people and a ginormous quantity of very useful information. It’s really a great place.

When is your appointment with the pdoc? It is daunting to go to see those, it’s all very normal to be scared esp with what you went through with the medical system.
 

NotSoSweet

New Here
Welcome @NotSoSweet . I’m sorry for all what you went through, but happy you seem on a path that will allow you to heal and find some quiet. Here you’ll find many understanding people and a ginormous quantity of very useful information. It’s really a great place.

When is your appointment with the pdoc? It is daunting to go to see those, it’s all very normal to be scared esp with what you went through with the medical system.
Due to my experience with the local medical community, I will be doing virtual appointments. My first appointment is next week, but it's just a consultation so they can figure out who to place me with. Hoping it won't take very long to get in with someone who can help me.
 

werewolfjay

New Here
I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time! I’m struggling similarly, with things from the past popping up again, and I’m hoping the community here may help me process and deal with some of it along with a psychiatrist and therapist.

You’re definitely not alone in relapsing when it comes to mental health OR dealing with a shitty medical system. I’ve been there plenty as a disabled and chronically ill person. It absolutely sucks but you need to continue to advocate for yourself to get the best care you can! You’re worth the uphill battle that it takes.
 

NotSoSweet

New Here
I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time! I’m struggling similarly, with things from the past popping up again, and I’m hoping the community here may help me process and deal with some of it along with a psychiatrist and therapist.

You’re definitely not alone in relapsing when it comes to mental health OR dealing with a shitty medical system. I’ve been there plenty as a disabled and chronically ill person. It absolutely sucks but you need to continue to advocate for yourself to get the best care you can! You’re worth the uphill battle that it takes.
Thank you. I just get so tired of getting nowhere, of everything being a never-ending battle. I have chronic health issues that we haven't been able to get answers about either, and I'm losing hope that I ever will. I applied for financial help with one of the main hospitals that screwed me over, and heard back today that they're covering 100%, but only starting with my last 3 visits & going forward, which doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of what I owe them from all those horrible ER appointments when I'd go in & sit for 12 hours just for them to tell me it was all in my head. I just want to scream. Everything I'm going through, everything they put me through, it's just too much. Not in any way suicidal; I'm just tired of every day being a struggle. I'm sorry that you're going through similar battles, and I hope that we both have improvements from seeking help.
 

werewolfjay

New Here
Unfortunately, that’s normal for most of us. Not getting answers right away, having hospital bills to pay they won’t cover, and dealing with all the trauma that comes with being sick and not taken seriously.

All that is to say, you’re never alone. I’ve found a lot of comfort in communities like this or just the disabled community in general on a lot of platforms. We’re all handling similar situations where the system is so broken.

And honestly? A little screaming can help. Venting is important! Even if it’s just screaming into the pillow with loud music playing to muffle it. If that’s what you feel like doing, do it. Especially after a particularly shitty phone call-God knows we make a zillion of those for doctor’s appointments.
 
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