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My projects are lining up, yet i am falling apart

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JrJr

New Here
I haven't been on here in some time now. But life has had the ups and downs twists and free falls. The internet was the enemy for some months, I couldn't read informative articles, or respond to email without major depression, anxiety and panic attacks, overwhelming misanthropy and suicidal ideation, rejection from receiving disability support because I function to well, look like it anyway.
I have been working on a rather large art project involving, at the present time, 19 artists hoping to achieve my number of 50 collaborations then pass the art onto literary artists for further collaboration. The final product will be an oversized coffee table type book and gallery showings. The reception has been overwhelmingly positive I am even applying for an artists grant/ award to help me complete the task.
I have working on a non-profit art program that will benefit those of all socioeconomic status. Most the programs in my area are not free and focus on individuals with disposable income. Again I have talked with numerous experts, educators, principles, professors, psychologists, anyone with information to give me more insight and allow me to get closer to achieving my goal. I have a lot of grants to apply for to allow the program I am trying to start, have a major step up to achieve success.
I was also accepted to into an art magazine, where I have to talk about myself in a positive light.
All of this has taken place in less than 10 days, my medication isn't working because I couldn't afford to purchase my methylfolate because my body doesn't produce folic acid in the 3rd stage so unless I have it my medication only works at about 10 to 15% efficiency.
this feels like a boast, I don't mean for it to be. I am completely overwhelmed, my knock out sleeping pill isn't really working, my nightmares have completely taken over my sleep cycle. There is a lot of potential for me to achieve this non-profit program and do some art on the side. But I feel like my cPTSD is going to ruin it all for me. I'm just going to shut down, or be committed for inability to function then all my dreams of giving the youth of my area who suffer from mental or behavioral health issues and those who do not just need a form of expression will be shoved into a small padded room with no windows.
I guess, I just need to vent. I want to be capable but I haven't been able to function well after my job for at least a week. I have typed into search engines a fair amount I am f*cking crazy, why can I be normal? too many times. I'm just mentally and physically exhausted.
Thank you and I am sorry if this reads boastful again I don't mean for it to be.
-Arvin.jrjr
 
Thank you and I am sorry if this reads boastful again I don't mean for it to be.

It doesn’t. It reads like you’ve got a lot of good things going on that you’re desperately afraid of losing -totally valid!- in large part to a medication screw up -totally frustrating!- and are exhausted, at your wits end, and trying terribly hard to keep it all together when you feel like you’re falling apart. Hon, that’s not boasting. That’s heartbreaking at worst & Herculean at best. It’s hard stuff you’re dealing with right now.
 
When I feel overwhelmed, I write. Just for me. I get it all out on a piece of paper with a lot of expletives, and then after that's done, I make a
to-do list. Somehow when I see it broken down into smaller tasks on a piece of paper, it is less overwhelming.
:hug:
 
I suffered 4 or 5 major panic attacks yesterday which exhausted me to the point that I slept. I feel asleep, stayed asleep, and didn't wake up screaming while drenching the bed in sweat, and hurting from my nightmares giving me an anxiety attack. I haven't had them this frequently in a few years. I slept 7 hours, I might as well been in hibernation haha even with my prescribed sleep aide I average between 3 and 4 hours. I didn't read your reply until just now VEE but thank you. I didn't write anything down but I did dissect my tasks in my head, rearranged, prioritized, and involved my wife into my inner monologue. I still feel out of my depth but I feel more prepared to face the climb and hard work. I am even very close to finishing writing for a grant that has a fast approaching deadline. I need to remember even if I feel like everything is moving fast so I must move faster doesn't mean I cannot take time for me to slow down, reenergize, focus, and review my tasks at hand for prioritization. Thank you Friday and Vee. I appreciate your words very much.
Completely off topic
The "Dare: the new way to end anxiety and stop panic attacks" book..... any new valuable insights?
 
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Many times it takes less time if you slow down and reenergize and then work, than it does if you just try to white-knuckle through it.

I haven't read that book. I like to use the Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Bourne.
 
I have a friend who is an artist and she, among everything else, tore her house down and is rebuilding it. So she’s hunkered down I a neighbors house for the winter and it is utter chaos.,She uses postit notes and sticks them on the wall according to priority. She does civic volunteer things too. I looked at the wall and said f*ck how are you managing? And she says getting it out of her mind and onto a postit note frees up her brain to concentrate on one thing at a time. For what it’s worth! Your project sounds fascinating
 
I'll have to see if my public library has that book on the shelves, I could always use some new reading material especially information that can possibly show me a new coping mechanism so I can slow down before breaking through the wall.

 
@KwanYingirl
Thank you, I am hoping I can get funding so I can begin work that actually fills me with hope, excitement and wonder rather than the warehouse job I have now. It does what it is supposed to do. It gives my family health insurance and pays some bills but fulfillment isn't any where close. It is the only job I could maintain without severe anxiety attacks on the regular before I quit before making an ass out of myself.
 
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