CesarTheMute
New Here
Hello, my name is Cesar :). I'll try and speak my mind and explain my situation without refraining from speaking about it. I tend to overthink a lot, especially when it comes to the comfortability of other people (in conversations, and chat rooms), as I try not to offend anyone when they see how simple and inoffensive the causes of my trauma may be.
I've always been anxious and to a certain degree obsessive. But after what happened during June of this year, i've felt things have gotten out of control.
Years ago I started having bladder, bowel, and sleeping problems (these developed around junior year of high school and have been happening on and off since then.) 2016 was a completely wild ride with my bladder going crazy in and out for most of that year. Although the experiences were uncomfortable and distressing, I don't look back at those times with fear or anxiety, they are just memories. Same as with a week of full-blown insomnia I had to deal with in the weeks of early November maybe late October, 5 days of nothing but 3-hour sleep for a week It was distressing, but I think of it as a distant memory and nothing else, although I do feel it contributes to my self-consciousness and fear of sleepless nights from there on out. Up untill June of this year there weren't situations that felt overwhelming or difficult to deal with. Hell, as I'm writing this the urge of going number 1 triggers this intense anxiety. Around June of this year, I went to a family reunion that took my entire day, I had the tendency to have a bowel movement once or twice a day and since that day it was so crowded and busy it didn't give me a chance to go at least once to be at ease the entire day. I got home at around 12 am and didn't have a proper bowel movement until around 2 am. From there on out, I couldn't sleep and at about 5 am my bladder started acting up. From 5 to 12 am I went to the restroom no more than 15 times and spent an entire night sleepless because of that!
That in and of itself left me confused and distressed for an entire week, especially because that following week we had a big vacation to vegas, and oh god I dreaded that vacation like nothing else in my life. I thought in my head, I have to have a good night sleep the morning of the day on my trip to Vegas, I don't want to feel miserable like the day after that party, which I eventually did and had 3 ok days in Las Vegas (the weather hindered the experience somehow) but on the last night, I had another sleepless terrible night in which I went to the restroom every 20 minutes, to the point were I remember only sleeping like 30 minutes. That night was just as bad as the one the week before.
The thing here is that my bladder acted up for 7 more hours, on our trip back to California I had the urge to urinate every 20 minutes, and since the trip from Vegas to Cali is almost only desert a stop was only present every 40 to 50 minutes, it was quite distressing all the way through, my bladder eventually got under control after the second or third stop, but those initial 2 hours were some of the most distressing in my life, add a near sleepless night on top of a crazy bladder, it caused my first nervous breakdown I remember ever having.
That day came and went, fortunately, but since then I haven't been the same. You see, I overthink and obsess on my bowel movements and my restroom breaks most of the day, I try to avoid things that remind me of that day; words like "insomnia", or even "sleep" trigger me when I hear them on tv, or from people having regular conversations every day. And indulge in a very ritualistic daily life that is out of control. The day of the event lingers on me every day, but I feel really embarrassed to tell my parents about how those two days really caused me distress.
Since that day I've been avoiding music/books/movies in fear that the terrible night might happen again today and all those things I did that will become triggers to that distressing experience in the future. The same as it happened with all the albums I've bought the day before my sleepless night; I can't put them on because it brings me back to that particular night and I just straight up avoid them. Based on that, I fear trying new things in fear that they may be triggers to future bad and sleepless nights. It's just this downward spiral of obsessive thoughts and ritualistic patterns to "keep me safe."
I feel my trauma is very ridiculous, but from what I've read, traumas can come in all shapes and forms, therefore the shame of your own mental distress should be inexistent. Since I've never met someone whose gone throught the exact same situation as well makes me feel alone and embarrassed. Here is where my story ends, and I'm trying to recover so bad from this experience, these have been some of the most stressful and distressing 4 months of my life. thanks for reading and I'm glad I found this place!
I've always been anxious and to a certain degree obsessive. But after what happened during June of this year, i've felt things have gotten out of control.
Years ago I started having bladder, bowel, and sleeping problems (these developed around junior year of high school and have been happening on and off since then.) 2016 was a completely wild ride with my bladder going crazy in and out for most of that year. Although the experiences were uncomfortable and distressing, I don't look back at those times with fear or anxiety, they are just memories. Same as with a week of full-blown insomnia I had to deal with in the weeks of early November maybe late October, 5 days of nothing but 3-hour sleep for a week It was distressing, but I think of it as a distant memory and nothing else, although I do feel it contributes to my self-consciousness and fear of sleepless nights from there on out. Up untill June of this year there weren't situations that felt overwhelming or difficult to deal with. Hell, as I'm writing this the urge of going number 1 triggers this intense anxiety. Around June of this year, I went to a family reunion that took my entire day, I had the tendency to have a bowel movement once or twice a day and since that day it was so crowded and busy it didn't give me a chance to go at least once to be at ease the entire day. I got home at around 12 am and didn't have a proper bowel movement until around 2 am. From there on out, I couldn't sleep and at about 5 am my bladder started acting up. From 5 to 12 am I went to the restroom no more than 15 times and spent an entire night sleepless because of that!
That in and of itself left me confused and distressed for an entire week, especially because that following week we had a big vacation to vegas, and oh god I dreaded that vacation like nothing else in my life. I thought in my head, I have to have a good night sleep the morning of the day on my trip to Vegas, I don't want to feel miserable like the day after that party, which I eventually did and had 3 ok days in Las Vegas (the weather hindered the experience somehow) but on the last night, I had another sleepless terrible night in which I went to the restroom every 20 minutes, to the point were I remember only sleeping like 30 minutes. That night was just as bad as the one the week before.
The thing here is that my bladder acted up for 7 more hours, on our trip back to California I had the urge to urinate every 20 minutes, and since the trip from Vegas to Cali is almost only desert a stop was only present every 40 to 50 minutes, it was quite distressing all the way through, my bladder eventually got under control after the second or third stop, but those initial 2 hours were some of the most distressing in my life, add a near sleepless night on top of a crazy bladder, it caused my first nervous breakdown I remember ever having.
That day came and went, fortunately, but since then I haven't been the same. You see, I overthink and obsess on my bowel movements and my restroom breaks most of the day, I try to avoid things that remind me of that day; words like "insomnia", or even "sleep" trigger me when I hear them on tv, or from people having regular conversations every day. And indulge in a very ritualistic daily life that is out of control. The day of the event lingers on me every day, but I feel really embarrassed to tell my parents about how those two days really caused me distress.
Since that day I've been avoiding music/books/movies in fear that the terrible night might happen again today and all those things I did that will become triggers to that distressing experience in the future. The same as it happened with all the albums I've bought the day before my sleepless night; I can't put them on because it brings me back to that particular night and I just straight up avoid them. Based on that, I fear trying new things in fear that they may be triggers to future bad and sleepless nights. It's just this downward spiral of obsessive thoughts and ritualistic patterns to "keep me safe."
I feel my trauma is very ridiculous, but from what I've read, traumas can come in all shapes and forms, therefore the shame of your own mental distress should be inexistent. Since I've never met someone whose gone throught the exact same situation as well makes me feel alone and embarrassed. Here is where my story ends, and I'm trying to recover so bad from this experience, these have been some of the most stressful and distressing 4 months of my life. thanks for reading and I'm glad I found this place!
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