My safety plan may backfire, heh

Chris-duck

MyPTSD Pro
So.. I assume I can skip the background crap, but I'm basically chronically suicidal, it takes approx one to two days alone before I start contemplating. It's been kind of okay so far cos I've been at work, but I've 2.5 weeks annual leave in a couple weeks and I've no idea how to deal with it.

Traditionally, my "nah f*ck dying" plan has involved shit like:
1. Clean the shithole flat, which with just me and no wee weirdos I have plenty of time to do
2. Find them somewhere stable to stay, they can't stay here cos risk and lack of babysitters when I'm at work cos social distancing, if they're okay in a couple weeks, they'd be okay. Stable may be a stretch, but doable not so much.

There's other reasons. But I'm worried I'll hit annual leave, and everything I'd do cos I finally have time to do it, also takes away the effort required pre acting. Like a lot of the time already I'm like "oh f*ck no, gotta clean bathroom first", not cos that's some absurd line, but cos I put it in my safety plan under the assumption that as a full time nurse with four kids I wouldn't ever find the time :laugh: Like shit that is in my safety plan that I gotta do first never seemed like it'd be *possible* to do first, but now it might be, cos I'm gonna have time and my flat and nothing else.

I'm not *planning* to act, but I'm actively *not* acting (If that makes any sense at all). But I dunno how to distract when I'm off, without fulfilling my whole pre-suicide-checklist. And it's complicated, cos I have these lists of shit I gotta do first, cos I don't really want to be alive, just responsibilities came around and shit happened. So I'm alive out of obligation (In my head), fill those obligations, I can die guilt free. I'm not sure I'm ambivalent on that, which is why (at the time) unrealistic set of demands pre-acting worked fine, now they're possible I'm like huh k, what now.

And I'm on a (what is actually seriously) a never ending waiting list for a T before people ask. Joined it last April, it f*cked up, and I got a letter saying it'd be a few months longer than expected.. n I already expected 18 months sooo.. Crisis teams exist, but if I see them, I'm taken off the trauma T list, and I've had a crap ton of therapy in the past 15 years, I don't think there's much a crisis team can offer in one session that makes it worth getting taken off a trauma T list I've already waited a year in. So essentially, I have no T, it's not by choice.
 

Freida

Sponsor
I'm not *planning* to act, but I'm actively *not* acting (If that makes any sense at all).
scares me to realize I understood this. just sayin.... I speak Chrissy! :laugh:
Why can't the wee weirdos come home while you are on leave? Because ya - that distracts you more than anything.

Start a project? redecorate the house to surprise the kids when they get home? Y'know, paint the walls, put up stick on wallpaper, stars on the ceiling, whatever? redo the garden? Sew masks for hospitals? volunteer to walk dogs at humane society? go shopping for elderly people who can't get out to the store? (thats a big thing here right now) Go visit Sophie? ya ya quarantine and all but aren't you both in the same country? Sorry Sophie - couldn't remember!

You've got to think bigger than just cleaning house. Use that imagination! Oh - write a book about being a nurse during a pandemic! and so on................
 

Chris-duck

MyPTSD Pro
scares me to realize I understood this. just sayin.... I speak Chrissy! :laugh:
Hahaha someone has to
Why can't the wee weirdos come home while you are on leave? Because ya - that distracts you more than anything.
Cos it's not really legal here. Technically they can. But meant to share a house (lol kids mum for two weeks tho? No ta)
redecorate the house to surprise the kids when they get home? Y'know, paint the walls, put up stick on wallpaper, stars on the ceiling, whatever? redo the garden?
I can't. Without meeting minimum line where I'm allowed to act. And I could without planning to act obv. But I'm more worried that I get it done n am able to spontaneously act.
go shopping for elderly people who can't get out to the store? (thats a big thing here right now)
Already do. Like I said. Busy is good ?
Go visit Sophie? ya ya quarantine and all but aren't you both in the same country? Sorry Sophie - couldn't remember!
Was meant to be there, which is why I have annual leave. But it's a flight away and flights cancelled.
 

Friday

Moderator
How about an entirely new kind of annual leave, where you don’t take a break, but work through? Different capacity, or volunteer?

It’s not vacation if you spend the whole time an exhausted wreck who wants to die. That’s kind of the opposite of vacation, right?

The only reason you’ve probably taken the time off is family obligation? And as they’re elsewhere, Im not sure I can think of a reason not to seek out a different obligation.
 

Freemartin

Sponsor
So, you gotta make a new list of things you have to do before you’re allowed to act. This is a whole new situation where you need to throw the previous list out of the window. The things that gave you the permission to kill yourself don’t qualify anymore. We’re living in a time of crisis, and your suicide/non-suicide plan has to change accordingly.

So you basically need a new list. Let us help you do it?
 

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
Yah. Seconding all of them.

Bigger lists of things to do.

And lists of things you need to get waay better at something else first, to even start on them.

/ Personal examples to follow.

One of my older lists of things has engineering. The other space engineering. And I'm shit at Math, like objectively, the way I do practical tasks is 'tell me how much I need of these pills and that vial and this ammo and that powder for things to boom right and how I mix this and that'. Aka I learn stuff in a way that doesn't include counting all that heavily more just watching shit & how who reacts to what and what reacts how fast with what.

So need to be heckuva better first with things my brain can't even with. :D Which itself takes time to figure out.

So do that: More to do, more busy, stay alive, stay moving.

And rest up proper but don't give suicidality a lick of chance to settle in.
 

Chris-duck

MyPTSD Pro
How about an entirely new kind of annual leave, where you don’t take a break, but work through? Different capacity, or volunteer?
There's not really much options around here tbh, everyone is basically already handling shit okay. Like everyone's already all over who needs help and how to help etc. There's not much of a need for anything in my local area, and I don't drive so outside this area I'm useless anyway :laugh:
It’s not vacation if you spend the whole time an exhausted wreck who wants to die. That’s kind of the opposite of vacation, right?
Yup, it's nuts. I've not been stuck at home for this long ever, I opted to stay at home for a month about 9 years ago cos my outside world was nuts, but outside of that I've been busy and/or surrounded by humans
Not at all nuts! I've been there many times. Mostly the latter.

So sorry you're struggling with this.
Thanks
So, you gotta make a new list of things you have to do before you’re allowed to act. This is a whole new situation where you need to throw the previous list out of the window. The things that gave you the permission to kill yourself don’t qualify anymore. We’re living in a time of crisis, and your suicide/non-suicide plan has to change accordingly.
Yeah, the issue kinda is that there's nothing else that matters to me, it's designed cos of shit that matters to me, so I don't really understand how a new plan would make sense, cos I don't really care about other things, heh.
So you basically need a new list. Let us help you do it?
But sure yeah, whack ideas this way.
And rest up proper but don't give suicidality a lick of chance to settle in.
I think the problem is SI is already there, so it's not so much not letting it kick in, cos it already has, it's more ways to not act anyway. And I don't want to act, but I'm also an impulsive douche wank on occasion. So I need a type of busy that *matters*, busy for the sake of busy hasn't ever had much effect.
 
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