My short story.

C

Calm_Cam

Hi there. I'm 35 years old. I wanted to write down roughly how I feel - to be honest I don't expect anybody to read this. It's for myself to exhaust how I feel. If you reading this I'm sorry for your time.

My whole childhood I missed my father who at my age of 4 or 5 gone missing. My mom told me he went to hospital and then that he died. At some point kids in school were bullying me when I was in primary and I couldn't find friends. When I was growing up, about 8 years old one of my neighbours, we had an argument over childish stuff then she told me that nobody will like me because of what my father did - I had no idea what she was talking about so I kept asking my mom about that. At some point my mom told me that my father was in a gang and he killed someone, they chopped guys body and buried in a hole somewhere in the woods. I have that memory when police came with UV lights looking for some things in our house and then he was gone. So then I connected the dots. Apparently my whole city about 50,000 population knew about it as it was in the news everywhere back in days. I remember when I was little my father was getting drunk and shooting real guns at home, making targets on the wall and shoot. I remember when he broke my mom's nose when she tried to keep him straight. I'll keep it short. Had no friends in school and been bullied. Teachers were associating all bad things with me and I was blamed for everything even if I didn't have anything to do with things. Just because I was a kid from a 'traumatic' family. Or some shit. I had some ADHD but I remember being blamed for things I never done and other kids always managed to get away with everything.

As I was diagnosed with ADHD at age of 10 or about, and due to issues at school, principal with my mother sent me and my 1 year younger brother to some sort of a 'disciplinary' resort in the mountains in my country. I don't remember much but I remember at least 2 or 3 serious incidents happened there and it was so traumatic that it did something to my mind and since then I wasn't myself like. I felt completely abandoned by the whole world and beaten to the ground and only my grandma was 1 real living person who at least listened to me or tried to defend me sometimes. Honestly God... When I'm writing it it comes back the whole childhood and I don't wish to anybody that.

At age of 13, we had educational reform and secondary schools were introduced before high school, another school but in different place. New people, new opportunities but I felt damaged. The worst thing is that my mother, who worked in the Court doing some Civil matters, she was so mental... she was bloody beating me at home, verbally abusing and comparing me to my murderer father for the whole time I remember when I did something wrong, and after all blaming me for her miserable life. I have a 'Stockholm' syndrome now and I always tried to be good to her and stuff, but now I'm 35 and she keeps being like she always been to me. Angry, abusive, offensive. Even recently when I told her that because of covid-19 I lost my job and I didn't have money even to live, I was in the homeless shelter and had no money for food, and when I managed to gather some money and asked her if she need anything, when I barely had anything, she told me that I can send her some money because 'she needs a new kitchen' regardless if I had anything to eat. She just built a new house with my step-father. She has another flat, unoccupied and when I asked if I could move in if I would want to come back - she said that no... that I'm an adult and I need to organise everything on my own - regardless that I was in a really bad position at some point, not long time ago. That flat or house won't be given to me when she pass away - that's another thing she told me once. I remember coming back in 2019, 27 December, driving broken car on my own, through the whole UK and half of Europe to see my family due to home sickness, to arrive and being treated like total scumbag by my mother and my 1 year younger brother who is successful programmer in capitol. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do at that time with my future because me and my partner split, I had some issues at work from people telling me that 'I'm only a 'guest' in UK so better if I stay low when I wanted to establish some connections with other businesses'... and stuff ... that I wanted to stay in my only home I remembered and think of what to do whilst looking for a job. I spent my 33th Birthday in my car drinking beer from a can on my own in winter because my mother didn't allow me to invite anybody nor drink any alcohol at home and my friends dispersed to other cities so I was a bit alone. She was so angry all the time, blaming me for every little thing. Honestly God... I thought I will kill myself and it felt so depressed like when I was a kid and I had those 'school problems'. So f*cking lonely and so weak. I decided to book a ticket back to UK because nothing felt more like home than UK. When I returned to UK, people I met and stuff - I felt like my home is here and UK's people are my only family I can deal with. Sad as f*ck but real. But anyway - if you would meet me in real you would never thought this is me who writes it here. I never show that to anybody and I always wear a 'normal, friendly, sociable mask' hiding the damage. I am a very friendly creature and I like people. I always been friendly.

So... I was 15 or 16. My pals and their pals decided to discover the drug world. Amphetamine, MDMA, weed, acid, mushrooms and overdosing medications. From breakdancing, acrobatics and being physically active we all went to the dark side. Techno parties, basements full of drugs and so many dodgy people - faces were always different - never the same people almost. Fighting and stuff. I always tried to stay aside but there were temptations to see what the drugs do, sometimes was unlucky and had a fight with someone. Really - I am a magnet to problems. I don't need to do anything - there will be always someone who will chose me to try and then it comes. Must be my face lol because I may look like I'm a weakling but that almost always went bad to them. I'm not proud of it but at least they got their faces smashed. Well... I had mine few times too - but I was drunk lol. At age of 18 I realised that something isn't going too good for me and my friends started being ... very weird and angry, looking for troubles all the time because they were non-stop intoxicated and ... I decided to take a break from them. I tried to tell them that things aren't the way we used to be and I got into fights with them. Blood and pain. This is roughly my 16-19 years old. I tried to finish college in the weekends, quit drugs and dodgy connections, met a girl soon after. She got pregnant and we were forced by out families to get married (yep - I'm not a God believer so we had a civil marriage). I 2010 my son was born and we moved out from her mother's place to a rented tiny thing. We lived quite alright for 6 months until my back snapped at work and since then I have knackered disc pressing on my nerves and I can't lift things. That was about the time when my wife's mother decided that we can no longer be together, and my wife was like 'yep'. So I was left alone in age of 24, without a place to live, without support from my family and with alimonies for my son. Barely could see him - only with my wife's family supervision regardless that I have not done anything! I'm not lying... The best thing is that I worked in local television as a Commercial Producer and Voice-Over for programmes and advertisement. Imagine. Shite contract and even shitier money but I needed to live somehow whilst having no support from the government at all and being incapable of working physically. Nothing. Then I met my most recent partner and we moved out from that misery to UK. 2015 year it was and we were doing very well until my girl wanted to marry me and get pregnant but ... I couldn't. I had that trauma and also my girl was acting strange a lot. Turned out she was seducing and seeing other guys but still can't figure out why she wanted to marry me when she was doing that so we broke up and I will never know wtf was that about. She is now married to a guy and from what I heard she was pregnant couple of years ago so ... I am really happy for her. Honestly. She was the best person I knew ever but she started blaming me for her failures and I couldn't take that blow. I was shot by my own mother with that thing and that was it.

Time was passing, I lost another job due to having issues with accommodation and nowhere to live. I'm still alone and I'm unwell in terms of health - physical and mental. Not showing that to anybody, well my doctor knows a bit but very little and I got some meds for depression, anxiety and stuff but that doesn't really change anything. I tried to hit myself with some serious doses but nothing really changed. I'm 35, living in UK, loving it and loving people around like my neighbours, people working in the shops I have a little talk with, and whoever I speak to. It's just I feel stuck and unhappy to the point that it gives me thoughts every day of killing myself. Had a suicidal attempt with a belt but ... didn't happened. Suicidal not because I'm sad about my past really - because I hate my mother, my family who together were bullying me my whole childhood in front of the rest of my family in many occasions due to looking and being similar to my father. They are still offending me and being rude to me on every occasion. They keep asking me questions I have no answers for like what is my plan to do, how I am going to live when I will be 60... f*ck knows... I can't really think about that when every morning wake up thought is 'f*ck - I woke up again... here it comes..'. During living in UK, 3-4 years, mother never called me and she was making excuses that it cost a lot - messenger is free but she says then the internet is bad... She never really cared. I remember when I tried to tell her that I landed in some homeless shelter, then she said that she is not interested in any sad or disturbing news because she doesn't tolerate things well so she told me to tell her only positive stuff and if I have some sad news - to keep them to myself. So I kept for a really long time fact that I have a tumour in my brain recently diagnosed - likely benign - but my vision now sucks and I have migraines all the time. Also my mood swings a lot but unknown if its the tumour or PTSD. The thing is when I'm trying to speak to my doctor about things, they are like - this dude is just so fu**ed up that nothing can help him - why is he calling us... this is how it feels when I'm trying to speak to my GP. And I don't really blame them. I barely can comprehend my past, who I am now and that my future is pretty much fu**ed. This moment may probably encourage someone to say: 'hay mate - don't worry - future is still bright and you can do a lot with it' but I haven't even mention a fraction of what I went through here and I could talk about it for hours and hours - this whole thing above is only a fraction, but on another hand, you all probably had some serious issues like me and I am not alone, and the future is bright really, and things can go better but... I don't know how to say that. I wish that I will no longer have any connection with my family and change a name - start from nothing but I don't know really anything about it. This is what I feel. I probably should appreciate my mother and everything she did for me and my brothers... but... I just can't forget how she was treating me for the whole time, and that she still does that. I don't know. I disassociated myself at some point recently from all connections I had. All friends, most of family... I am just disconnected from my past life to the point that only my mother, my little brother and few new friends have my Facebook or telephone number. I don't want to be with anybody form the past because those seriously strong feelings are coming back to me and I feel suicidal when it happens. Can't get past that. My friends today aren't really aware of my past or my family trauma so they aren't aware of how I am. And that's good.

I'm still touching the homelessness because I have serious anxiety and depression, bipolar disorder and generally I am fu**ed. I'm trying tho, meeting people every day, talking nicely with everyone but sometimes I think I come from the darkness and being a good person isn't who I really am. I'm divided and most of people around me are positive - I have both feelings in the same time about anything, good and bad. For an example: if someone says to you something like 'you look nice today' - I would feel like flattered but in the same time that this person may want something from me and tries to find way to get it. Positive and negative in the same time. Every single line I hear. I hate my reflection in the mirror and this is my 4th year when I will sit alone on Christmas. I know I am pity but in the same time ... I don't really care what people think anymore. It is what it is and regardless of how much we gonna try, we all will end up in the same place. We all will see the same lights of the ER and nothing from this world will be taken to the other side like belongings or money. Nor memory. Billions of humans lived and died in worst scenarios than mine so... I'm going to enjoy it until my light gasps out. You do the same and love your the closest and children. Be nice to them because they will remember subconsciously things in the future and that may change their path from success to a total failure.

Yep. Cheerio people. I have exhausted it a bit but it never is enough. Nevertheless - not going to mention it again for a while.
 
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