My Sister and Me

Changing4Best

MyPTSD Pro
Ever since I can remember, she's fought me in one way or another. She used to beat me up, then when I told, she'd beat me up again for telling on her. She's the oldest, I'm the baby of the family. Our parents have long since passed away.

There's just the two of us, our brother died when he was eight days old. That was before either of us was born. My sister was dad's favorite, I mom's. This fact alone probably contributed to my sister's bitterness, I think.

Today, I called my sister to tell her that I'm experiencing Covid symptoms and she was on her way out and was not able to talk. This hurt me deeply. It's kind of the last straw. There's so much more to our story. I hope to tell more in the future....
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
I will certainly be following this. I have a similar story. But my oldest sister beat me up emotionally. For too many years to count. I refer to her as the Ugly Sister.

Looking forward to seeing you grow with this situation.
 

Friday

Moderator
Sounds like you want your relationship to be over & were just waiting for an excuse?

I mean, it’s the nature of the straw that broke the camels back for it to be a petty / unimportant / tiny little thing that does it... but she took the time to answer your call, right in the middle of heading out, rather than simply letting it go to voicemail until she had time to talk to you. That’s a gesture of respect, reserved for important people, in my experience.

Clearly, I wasn’t there, maybe she only answered the phone to scream at you for making her late (Snort. My mom does that. As if the other person is somehow supposed to knooooow her schedule by telepathy & is deliberately setting out to make her life difficult), or snarled that you’re wasting her time, or called you names or something.

If so? I can easily see that being the last straw. Nope. No more. Done.

But if you’re just looking for an excuse to end the Relationship? My 2 cents is don’t. Simply end the relationship.

Because trying to find some sort of modern day justification, when it’s years of past wrongs that’s the real issue? Is just tormenting both of you. It puts her in an impossible no-win situation (when someone is putting the other person under a microscope looking for faults/failures/mistakes... just waiting to blow up at them... so that their own decision to leave can be made the other persons “fault”), and it subjects you to continually being around someone you don’t like, don’t respect, don’t want to be around, in the hopes that she’ll hurt you enough to justify leaving the relationship. It’s a super-toxic and vicious cycle.

One way to tell if you’re locked in that vicious cycle? Look very carefully at what you wanted to have happen, instead. Is there only one way she could have gotten it “right”? (HINT: Look for the phrases “I just” & “I only” & “is it too much to ask for” ______this one exact/precise response___ that would have made you happy and all 50,000 other possible responses are just like a knife twisting in your gut ). For example? Would you be just as deeply hurt if she hadn’t taken the time to answer the phone and let it go to voicemail? She doesn’t even take the time to answer my calls, but just dismisses me, like I’m some piece of worthless garbage. Well no more! -or- I only wanted to talk to my sister to let her know about this important thing that she should etc. // I just wanted someone to listen // is it too much to ask for someone to take the time and do ABC?
So my2cents -if you’re just looking for an excuse- really is to spare the both of you the pain, hurt, anger, & drama... and end the relationship. Because years and years of history. Nothing modern/current needed.

If you’re NOT looking for an excuse? I’d seriously question whether you really want to end the relationship over a badly timed phone call... or if all of the “forgiveness“ work you’ve been doing has opened old wounds without really addressing them/just leaving them gaping-bare-raw, coupled with the stress of being sick and fear of having Covid, has blown this whole thing wildly out of proportion.
 

Changing4Best

MyPTSD Pro
No, I'm not trying to end our relationship. Yes, my T and I are working on my sister's and my relationship and yes, we did not get to the forgiveness part. That was Thursday.the wounds are wide open. @Friday
 

Changing4Best

MyPTSD Pro
I will certainly be following this. I have a similar story. But my oldest sister beat me up emotionally. For too many years to count. I refer to her as the Ugly Sister.

Looking forward to seeing you grow with this situation.
I am sorry you too suffer with a difficult sister. Yes, I do need to grow with this relationship. Somewhere along the way, she and I fell apart. One thing I do think is that when parents have favorites, this can hurt siblings a lot. It divides us.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
I also have complicated relationships with my sisters. Also had favourites (still do). My oldest sister is the favourite of my mum. Always has been. My middle sister has always been the scapegoat. And I've always been the 'fixer'. Oldest and middle never got on. I got on with everyone to try and placate.
We're all in our 40's now. And I can count the times the 3 of us have spent time together as an adult on one hand.
Families are complex.

I can understand that it hurt she didn't take time to speak with you given the situation.

Do you think you and her can talk about your relationship?
 

Changing4Best

MyPTSD Pro
Once I've forgiven her, I do hope to work some things out with her. One huge roadblock to that is she's forgotten most of her childhood and I have not. I might see if I can jar some good memories from that repression she's got. If I can do that, maybe we can enjoy memories of Nana's great cooking, horseback riding and kickball with the neighborhood kids. There's so many wonderful memories....
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
I stopped 'suffering' behind that sister a long time ago. Going no contact was my choice. She passed away two years ago. Alone. We reap what we sow.

She left wounds I was determined to heal. The best revenge is getting healthy. She had no power in my life for many many years before she passed away.

If it's important to you, I hope you can mend the relationship with your sister. It does take two, and mine was always RIGHT, so there was no point. But sometimes we just have to walk away and stop the pain.

I didn't need her approval and I was the polar opposite of her. So it was a no-win from the beginning. She was moms favourite but that has its own burden. As the years went on not being around her, I did feel compassion and had some understanding of how she was, and why she was the way she was. Still didn't mean I wanted to be around her. I changed. She didn't. I have a lot of 'found' sisters. That gap has been filled ten-fold.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
We cross-posted. I want to ask how you feel forgiving her will change the dynamics of the relationship. And are you prepared for, even after forgiveness, to still be hurt by her? Just asking. I became indifferent to my sister. She did some really horrible things to me that shaped the person I was for a long time. It was deliberate. Indifference is it's own balm for the soul sometimes.
 

Changing4Best

MyPTSD Pro
I have no idea how all this will work out. I can only wish for a good result. What will happen, only God knows.

We have not been together since our dad died. I think him and mom held the family together a lot. Now that they have gone, the glue that held us together as some kind of family is gone. Sure, we are tied together by blood, but not a lot more.

She hardly ever calls me. I don't know why. That in itself hurts a lot. Then again, maybe I do expect too much from her. I think I have a lot of healing yet to do.

Thanks for your thoughts, @ladee keep them coming. I am now following you.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
It's hard to know and differentiate between desire to have a relationship and the reality of the relationship (I find anyway). If that makes sense.

So complex. I've not resolved things with my relationships with any of my family members, so don't really have any words of wisdom.

Does your sister at least respect your experiences and expressions of your experiences? Even if she says she doesn't remember. But even that is complex, becuase maybe she is working hard at denial and your acceptance of reality challenges hers.
 

Changing4Best

MyPTSD Pro
It's hard to know and differentiate between desire to have a relationship and the reality of the relationship (I find anyway). If that makes sense.

So complex. I've not resolved things with my relationships with any of my family members, so don't really have any words of wisdom.

Does your sister at least respect your experiences and expressions of your experiences? Even if she says she doesn't remember. But even that is complex, becuase maybe she is working hard at denial and your acceptance of reality challenges hers.
Wow, that's a lot to think about! I'm not sure how to respond. Let me think about it.
 
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