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My Stories a Bit Long - Abuse, Rape, Deceased Children....

Discussion in 'General' started by permban0077, Jul 19, 2006.

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  1. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

    I see I am not the only one with a brother who was sick. I was molested by him until around 8 or 9 and he continued on my sister. I had a total repressed memory of it until the birth of my first daughter. It was like a dream and confusing. I called my oh so nurturing mom (sarcasim) and she confirmed it, there may be more to it still repressed but I prefer it to stay there, I know he was present in my life until about 12 but have no memories of him, just up until I remember the abuse. I knew from my mom as infants (I am a twin) he tried to set us on fire. He was disowned and have not seen him since I was younger and have no desire, spent many days thinking if I ever saw him I would kill him, period. My sister is very forgiving and is very into the good book, I am not a forgiving person. My parents are both remarried and all have alcohol and drug problems. I was bounced back and forth between the two until ending up in a girls home.

    I have been raped 3 other times by different men. One of the times I was raped I was kidnapped by my estranged husband that I had married at 16, mom was more than willing to sign me off to the man. My teens were babies in the back seat at the time. He drove me out to the woods and told me he was going to put a "bullet in my brain", he abused me and was at the point if he could not have me no one would. I talked my way out of what I thought was certain death and no one would find my body. Soon as I had the chance I stole his car with the babies and got out. I detail a bit on that one as it was the hardest to cope with. That one I still wish I could kill, but know I never would, but I have my hopes someday someone will!

    We actually did have a good start when married until I got pregnant, after a bad dirt bike accident I was told I could not have a baby, 4 kids later now I think the doc was off on that call! Any way he wanted abortion and I refused, it was a miracle in my mind. He would always have adoption forms every where I refused to even look at. That was when he started to hit me, first time was in the back of the head sending me half way across the room, I think he was trying to force miscarriage, so when #2 came it got worse and I left him when she was 1 month old. Change a channel and have a remote broken in pieces over my hand was my life.

    I married a police officer later in life that 2 days into marraige I found out had a boyfriend on the side. Very hard to trust men at all at that point. I chose him because I thought such an up standing man and in law enforcement and our large dogs I felt a sense of safety not felt in so long. I learned that is not always the case once again.

    After many years of self medicating with alcohol I still managed to remarry a wonderful person that I have learned to trust that helps me as much as he can. He had been sober 12 years so I have no clue what he saw in me. But truly a knight in shining armour. I continued this course until I started having panic attacks that would spiral out of control one would just trigger the next so I had them feel as if going all day. I quit drinking and they medicated me. I do CBT and am weaning off meds now with my shrinks help.

    After my first panic attack and hospital trip I was sent to pick up meds. My family drove up on a horrible accident and I was still having the attack in waves. I wanted to get out to help but when I saw what I saw I just could not move and just screamed at my husband to just drive and called 911 as no first responder was there and did not want my kids to see I kept screaming look at the floor! A drunk hit a car that stalled on the side of the road. I saw a toddler that was dead laid out, so ash in color and a woman screaming with a dead infant in her arms. I did not learn until later the infant was a twin and the other was on life support but was later pronouced dead too. I have very hard times getting the babies out of my head.

    Those are some of the events along with my outbursts of anger, short fuse here, dreamed the other night of my ex husband trying to shoot me to wake in panic, I commonly wake in a panic. I have severe sleeping problems. I get scared when men look at me or flirt. I am protective of my kids, I don't even let them play out front I worry over my teen son just going to the car when he will soon be able to drive I worry about his safety for the moment he is out of my sight to fetch something. But we have a small farm so they can go out back where the dogs can keep watch and protect them. Teens not allowed to go in public restrooms with out me. Yes, they are sheltered. But all are honor students.

    I carry guilt mainly for my condtion has been such a finacial burden since I cannot work and my husband who has had to cash out retirement to cover my treatment which is starting to lead to a bit of depression. He is very strecthed thin emotionally now but he has not stopped trying. He tries to hide it, but I see it.

    I don't like talking about it but I want to recover and if facing it is something I need to do so be it.
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  3. anthony

    anthony Donate To Keep MyPTSD Founder

    Yep, the crap life throws just never ends... well done veiled, and very brave of you to post some of your trauma. Well done. You are right about needing to get it all out, as I am sure your physicians have told you the same thing anyway. Once your trauma is out, faced head on, and dealt with, it can no longer scare you, no longer make you panic, no longer make you dream nightmares, basically, it can no longer affect you in the way it does now. I know this, because I have walked all this path myself, and am one of the one's that have clearly made it to the other side, can get a full nights sleep every night with no dreams, no nightmares, and no major issues. Yes, we will always have our little moods, anger outbursts if made angry enough, etc etc... but everyone has those things, with or without PTSD, as these are normal human traits.

    I really do congratulate you though veiled, for the effort you are putting in with your own treatment. I have no doubt at all that your partner is worn very thin at present, as I know my wife was when I was within some of the worst of my PTSD, and even coming out the other side, as it is still affecting her in some parts, though getting better each and every day, together we heal I guess.

    If a persons PTSD is actually bad enough, partners can actually get PTSD themselves, or a very close form off it, as they basically live what you are living, being pure hell. Ironic, but true. I believe they tend to get PTSS generally, being curable, opposed to the rare few that get diagnosed with PTSD itself. But it does happen, so that gives some scope as to what our partners do actually suffer, even though they are trying to keep us, our families and themselves together.

    You are doing a great job veiled... honestly you are... and please do keep up your great work for recovery, and the better life you seek for yourself, your family, children and husband... well done.
  4. annafennutchi

    annafennutchi Active Member

    Welcome, Veiled. I wish you luck wiyh your recovery. I hope you find this forum as a sancturary as I have.
  5. Nam

    Nam I'm a VIP

    Welcome Veiled. You have done really well. Especially since your kids are doing so well! Thank you for sharing your story. You are very strong.
  6. YoungAndAngry

    YoungAndAngry Well-Known Member

    Wow Veiled! and welcome

    I'm so happy you've found your night in shining armor :)
    Take care and I look forward to talking to you more
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