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My Story - 15 and Devastated From Love

Discussion in 'General' started by guypeterson, Apr 14, 2007.

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  1. guypeterson

    guypeterson New Member

    So here is my story:

    When I was 15 I was in love... and then utterly devastated (seriously didn't understand how life would go on) when my first true love dumped me. After some time I got back to a happy place... then we got back together by her choice. I was totally happy and in love again. Similar circumstances came around where I thought she was going to hurt me again, and in anticipating the blow I somehow turned off my emotions. Just sort of went numb.

    Since then I've basically rotated back and forth between being fairly shut off emotionally, and feeling an utter sense of anxiety... like I'm about to get hurt by loss big time. If I had to describe it in one sentence, I would say I feel like I'm bracing for the impact of big hurt, nearly 100% of the time. When its not in check, I feel like I want to run away from situations where I should be feeling more of a connection, or stronger emotions, and cry very hard. But often when I try to let myself, or push myself to experience that pain that I am sure is coming, I instead feel like a plate of armor is sitting over my chest and I can't really get into the teeth of the fear/hurt. Funerals make me bawl my eyes out, even if I don't know the person very well... and even stupid sitcom tv shows where someone experiences some sort of loss make me well up sometimes, if only for a minute.

    Its exhausting to brace for impact for all day long... and I'm tired of not being more connected to my emotions. I want to be that loving guy towards my girlfriend, family, friends, etc. I want to enjoy life more instead of the little I experience from my protected emotional state. And I'm tired of feeling like I'm about to get destroyed with pain.

    I've talked to counselors, been on meds, and even tried EFT (which seemed to confirm my beliefs that it was almost a scam.) Part of the problem is I'm very good at switching things off completely when a counselor tries to delve into the feelings... so our meetings become unproductive (and expensive on my wallet.)

    I know its just fear... and it makes me furious that I can't just switch it off the way I switched it on, because it feels like I should be able to. I'm also an overly sensitive, worry-prone individual, and always have been... so its extra hard for me to shake this funk. But its been nearly 9 years since I've lived free of the fear of emotions and pain, and I really want to move out of this.

    Recently I've been on edge.... hypervigiliant and hyperaroused. When saying goodbye to some friends before a big move to a new city, I felt like I was ready to take a swing at someone (I didn't want to actually hurt anyone.) I was scared... didn't know if that meant I was going to lose control. At home I started crying and went into full blown panic mode.... never quite that bad before. I felt like I wanted to explode my emotions, but they are so defended against. I'm just waiting for that pain to hit so I can release all this pain in sobs but it never releases. I couldn't really leave panic mode for the next 2 days, except for short periods of time here and there, so I ended up in the hospital. I wasn't quite suicidal.... but close. I was having trouble sleeping... kept waking up terrified right before I'd dose off.

    Now I'm out and on Xanax, Paxil, and Abilify. The reason for the abilify was the paranoia that I was going to get hurt. I'm also starting with EMDR with this trauma specialist who is absolutely sure I have PTSD. My psychiatrist laughs at that idea (that she previously suggested) because she thinks my hospital episode was more like a mixed bipolar thing.

    I don't think I'm mixed bipolar... but I don't know what to think anymore. I haven't really had any other bipolar symptoms, and I don't have sudden mood swings. This was all brought on by a stressful event.

    I still feel like I'm living in an emotional shell that I just want to explode out of. I'll have weird bursts of emotion where I feel the urge to like throw a glass or scream or do something like that... like my emotions are just trying to get out anyway they can.

    Please, any advice on how to approach this would mean more than the world to me. I'm not suicidal (I am quite interested in living a long, loving life) and I'm not all that depressed (I've learned how to avoid that dark funk stuff), but I need someone who grasps this somewhat to point me to the way out.

    It just feels like a switch flipped off long ago, and all I have to do is flip it back on. But instead I'm constantly cowering inside.

    Thanks for any time at all you spent reading this.

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  3. willing

    willing Active Member

    Welcome Guy,
    Hope you find the support you need. Sounds good that you have a therapist and Psychiatrist and they're working with you on meds. I've been unoffically diagnosed as Bipolar too but right now out of the hospital is Severe depression and anxiety.
    Good Luck.
  4. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

    It sounds honestly nothing like PTSD what you describe. It takes a life threatening situation period or what you think is. Bi Polar is not the end of the world. Some here have PTSD with it also. But it is treatable. Bi polar does not mean sudden shifts all the time.

    The paranoia you describe "should" be fixed with the xanax the way you describe it. What is your dosage?

    What is the point of EMDR? Sounds like someone stripping your wallet there as I see normal life situations, not trauma. Life can suck but from what you laid out it is a broken heart and falling for the wrong one. Not trauma by any means. Everyone gets that.
  5. wadoo

    wadoo Active Member

    I wish I could say that I aggree with veiled openly but dont feel confident enough to be saying so as I am no expert, so if that's a roundabout way of saying that I aggree with her/him, then so be it.. that's safety on my part...

    All I know is that I suffered trauma and it took 20 years before it came back to me in a complete mental breakdown and although I had a really hard time in life before hand, I'm talking really hard time of things, I never realised how hard it would be recovering from it and dealing with PTSD... it's dammmmm (want to swear but wont) hard and wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy.

    Hope you can get some really good councilling to get over your first love and move on... I reckon there's too many things out there on mental illness that you almost tap in on it when your having a hard time rather than just dealing with the real problem at hand and accepting it and then moving on.

    God I hope I havent offended anyone here... I am so sorry if I have.
  6. anthony

    anthony Donate To Keep MyPTSD Founder

    Hi Guy, welcome to the forum. I read your intro, then came looking for this post to see what you had written. Ok, the no bullshit version of events here mate. Normally I would not respond to people who only give what you did in your intro, however; because I can see that you have truly opened up here and you are in pain, you want to help yourself, I will be honest with you.

    Do you have PTSD from what you described? NO.

    Why? Because to even meet the diagnosis of PTSD, the first two criteria MUST be met, being:

    Did you experience, witness, or were confronted with an event/s that involved actual or threatened death, serious injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of yourself or others?


    Did your response involve intense fear, helplessness, or horror?

    Your counsellor that said you have PTSD, is an idiot to be honest. PTSD is becoming known more as some regular diagnosis within the therapy industry, where they think people have it, but they actually don't. This is why it must be diagnosed by an actual psychiatrist and not other therapy professional. PTSD is the worst end of the scale, and if diagnosed with it, your life is already shit, not just mixed up.

    What you meet of the first two criteria, is the second, not the first, and you must meet both to even go further into the diagnostic elements that must also be met theoretically, then you have practical elements that are factored into whether a diagnosis is made or not from the psychiatrist.

    Some people could debate if you met the second, but I can see you do from what you wrote here in regards to your own feelings, being extreme pain to you, and it is to you that matters. What also impacts though is that you must meet what is classed as "abnormal trauma" and not what is classified as "normal life trauma." Relationship breakdowns, death under fairly normal circumstances, etc, all classed as "normal life trauma" because they are expected in life, being people WILL fall in and out of love, they will have their heart broken in life, everyone must die, etc etc.

    Here is a list for what you could classify as abnormal trauma, being [DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread1114.html[/DLMURL]

    So, now lets get more to the point of your own problem, being you have been hurt, you now have closed up your feelings, you are male which genetically predisposes you to be emotionally isolated, etc etc.

    At a rough guess, you actually feel vunerable if you expose your true emotional self? You know what you feel, because you express that above, but you lack the confidence now to actually express what you feel to those that matter most within your life in fear of being hurt in return? This is partly self confidence / self esteem issue, vunerability and merely male genetics. Self esteem carries a person a long way in what they say and don't say because of fear from what others may say, and the impact those words could have upon them depending who they are within their circle of life. To have a healthy self esteem for starters helps individuals in conquering vunerability, being that they are confident enough within themselves to talk openly about what they feel at any given time, without regard to what others have to say, positive or negative; but more they express what they express because it matters most to themselves to get it out, instead of worrying what others may think.

    Am I getting close Guy?

    PS: What is with all the medications Guy? Have you looked at their side effects? You will likely find what you feel now is actually the side effects of medication you shouldn't be on. That is the idea, medication makes you feel ill... go figure.
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2015
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