Sufferer My story : Childhood Trauma

Liminality

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I've never really done anything like this, but I'm struggling and have been for sometime. I've been told I'm a strong person a number of times, but the truth is I feel I've been hanging on however I can for decades now. I'm 36 now and I guess just recently it sunk in that most of the things people take for granted, I've had to learn myself. Sometimes it feels neverending, as though I won't live long enough to heal all these wounds and learn the things I need to have a healthy relationship and a family and yet, regardless of how uphill a task it all seems, I feel compelled and have done for a long time to break the cycle of abuse in my family. I guess I'll start from the beginning.

I'm the eldest child of 4. My mother and father both came from horribly abusive families. The kind that people wince when hearing stories of. Sadly, both my parents were a complete mess when having us children and me being the first, bore the brunt of their dysfunctionality and neglect. My mother has struggled to be affectionate to any degree her entire life. I suspect because her mother wasn't with her. She seemed to hate her. My father appears to have some form of BPD or NPD. I'm not sure which, but he's been highly psychologically abusive many times.

Apparently the abuse started early. Really early. My dad would apparently get jeolous of my mom tending to me as a baby and would poke and prod at me until I cried if my mother paid any attention to me. Around that time, my mother cheated on my dad with his little brother. Something that's left me with horrible trust issues and insecurities for decades. The arguments were the worst you can imagine. Imagine your dad chasing your mom around threatening to kill her. Suicide threats every 2 weeks or so as we were growing up. He'd gather us as kids at times and tell us of how he was going to kill himself or how he was not long for this world due to cancer (he's a terrible hypochondriac). This went on for years, I was 6 or so when it started.

My sister was born shortly after me. For whatever reason she became the favourite and when I say favourite, I mean to an absurd degree. I have to say I'm thankful that I wasn't the favourite now, my sister has struggled immensely as a result of the favouritism she was shown in her own ways, but for me, it left the lifelong feeling within me that I'm not good enough. Imagine drug dealers and junkies frequenting your house, playing sick games between you and your sister. Asking you to entertain them in mundane ways (singing something for example), then praising your sister, before calling you a little weirdo and to f*ck off...Imagine your parents watching that kinda thing going on and doing nothing about it. Just continuing to get high with their prostitute and drug dealer friends...Imagine crying virtually everyday at feeling so unloved as a 10 year old boy because the only time your mom wants anything to do with you is when she wanted support to stay in her abusive relationship. Imagine comforting her as she tells you she regrets having children and your dad making it explicitely clear to you, you cannot have a relationship with him nor your mother. With him because, well I'm not his favourite. With my mother, because he got jeolous.

Going to school I simply couldn't fit in. Like at all. Witnessing psychotically violent arguments between my parents and suffering horrendous neglect and psychological abuse, I found it nigh on impossible to relate to any children. I started getting bullied quite bad, yet I had to be strong. For my mother who refused to leave my father and for my siblings who needed me. I was strong I guess, but deep down I was afraid, felt unloveable and deeply lonely everyday. I cannot remember much of my childhood in all honesty. I did some trauma therapy some years back and memories came back, but it's all still quite hazy. I would prefer not to remember many things.

The bullying got so bad, both as a result of other kids and the drug dealers psychologically abusing me at home, I started having daily panic attacks. I refused to goto school any longer. From 12 onwards I was home educated. My parents are intelligent people, but again. They neglected me. I had to teach myself mostly.

At 14 I went to college to do my GCSE's (a state qualification in the UK, normally done at school though I did them at an adult college). As you might expect, 2 years of near total isolation, alongside the horrendous abuse I was frequently suffering made it nigh on impossible for me to focus on academic matters. I was a nervous wreck 24/7 around people at college. I failed miserably.

From about 16 till I was around 23 I basically just got high on weed everyday. I was broken deep down. I distracted myself skateboarding alot. I think when one of my exes got pregnant by another guy after cheating on me when I was 17, it just broke me. I was devastated. As I said, I'd just distract myself from all the pain. I skateboarded with people and I had friends in some manner, but I was socially stunted badly. I had friends for years that knew almost nothing about me. I was terrified of getting close to anyone. Male or female.

Eventually the weight of my traumas, my grief over the girl when I was 17 and a life seemingly wasted caught up to me and I entered a profound depression. I began to cry myself to sleep every night. After about 6 months of this, I decided to take my own life. I was serious. I shot myself in the temple with an air gun (a gun used to kill small animals, quite capable of killing someone when aimed at the right place). It's a miracle I survived. I had to have surgery to remove pellet fragments from my skull. I had bleeding on the brain and suffered horrendous seizures for awhile afterwards. I was told after my attempt and prior to the surgery that there was a 15 percent chance I'd die. I guess I realized at that point I didn't want to, but I was in immense pain.

I started trying to be kinder to myself. I'd beaten myself up far too much for being awkward, not having had a job, getting cheated on, being a loser. I just started trying to be compassionate to myself. My family weren't really much use, but most of them tried I guess. My sister though, she abandoned me. I doubt I will ever have anything to do with her again.

I started drumming. In some strange way, I almost felt like I was experiencing something approximating childhood around this time. Actually feeling joy for once in the playing of the instrument. I quickly became obsessed and would practice relentlessly. Eventually I decided to study music. I entered education at 29. I was around people who looked up to me. One because I was older and two because I was very very proficient in drumming. Deep down though I felt like a complete fraud. I often felt insecure and even inadaquete compared to my peers.

I got into another relationship around this time, she cheated on me with a close friend and I just lost the passion for performing. I had done alot of session work and gotten a song on tv and I guess I stopped feeling as though I had anything to prove in that respect anymore. I felt like if I could do something that impressive and still get cheated on, then what the hell is the point? I became convinced and still struggle with the feeling that nothing will ever be enough for anyone.

My passion did eventually come back after a terrible year spend in near total isolation during covid, but this time I got into acoustic physics and music composition. I met a woman online and we entered into a long distance relationship. Surprisingly to me, I connected far more with this woman than I ever had with anyone in person, but she ultimately was incapable of trust. She would be controlling and accusatory at the most trivial of things. I was not allowed female friends and we got into horrendous arguments over her persistent accusations and emotional abandonings. Eventually she started acting just as untrustworthy as she suspected I was. She threatened to cheat on me a few times with former interests of hers and worst of all, threatened to cheat on me with my brothers. It doesn't help that my brother had spoken with her once and flirted with her. I have nothing to do with either of them anymore, but I am left with terrible haunting nightmares of this woman seducing my brothers and even my father. It may sound crazy, but my father has been jealous of the girlfriends me and my brothers have had and the brother in question she threatened to cheat with has cheated on every woman he's been with and attempted to seduce even close family friends wives. I learnt of this later and suffice to say I was horrified. I will never have anything to do with him again.

And here I am now. I've just finished uni, I'm planning to do a masters next year, I've just released an album and I'm in the process of writing a book on meaning, spirituality and philosophical musings and upon hearing this most people would probably think "wow that guy is really going somewhere and he must be hella confident". I'm not. I feel heartbroken and lost frequently, I find it painful being around people at times. Partly because of how often I've been hurt by others and partly because of feelings of inadaquecy. Feeling as though I'm simply too broken to ever experience a healthy relationship or to ever attract a kind, loyal person. I'm doing all these things and granted, they are meaningful, but inside I just feel like I'm clinging on nigh on 24/7. I really hope to be a father one day, settle down with someone, build a life and break this horrible cycle of abuse, but it's getting harder and harder to believe I'll ever experience that. I feel less lonely these days, my faith helps, but it's difficult when one feels so utterly tired and worn out existentially speaking. At the very least, if I die without ever having raised children, atleast I can perhaps contribute to healing others pain in my writings. I feel bereft in many ways, but I'll be damned if I'm going to give into selfishness and corrupt myself. I plan to do some volunteer hospice work in the next few months. Perhaps my close calls with death will allow me to comfort the dying. I really hope so.
 

NoWhereKnowWhere

MyPTSD Pro
Hi welcome to the forum. Are you in therapy? I’ve found some charity organisations to be helpful in the UK the waiting lists are awful but you never go down the waiting list if you never get put on them. Most universities have counsellors too.
 

Liminality

Not Active
Hi, no I'm not in therapy. I've had therapy a few times over the years and did most recently for awhile following this most recent breakup, but I ended it ultimately. It was helpful, but I did not feel I could make any further progress on the matter of betrayal trauma and such.
 
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