so, this is my third or fourth time trying to put into words the reason i have ptsd. you see, because, i lived ,i thought everything was fine. how dare i even complain, when my life was spared. how dare i complain when i wasn't raped, like my girlfriend. she was abused by her raging alcoholic father - i wasn't. she didn't really have a mother - not in the true sense of the word. i feel like i shouldn't even be telling this story, because i did not suffer as much as her. i feel like i am betraying her - again. so, maybe it has been a rotten week , because i am finally with reluctancy admitting what happened sucked. why have i done this for 25 years ? maybe because it was immediately ignored by my parents, put into the closet , like a skeleton. i never asked for it. no one ever said i'm glad your alright, or hugged me and said i'm glad your ok. like when my cousin fondled me, my mothers first reaction, was oh shit how do i break this news. i remember that the most. it happened once, i told, it stopped, that was that. no reassurance. no conversation. so onto why i have ptsd. one day my g/f jen and i went to a park to visit our other g/f carol. we were 15 years old. carol worked as a camp counselor, no kids showed up that day. she had to stay thought in case some did. we sat on the wall and we were discussing walking to the store, it was so hot out. i didn't want to, i finally agreed. he was listening to every word. because as soon as i said, ok in 5 minutes , he jumped out of the bushes. before you could even register what was going on he had my g/f jen by the arm and was holding a knife to her head. he was wearing a mask. i have no face to pin my anger on. i scan rooms and areas always looking for the boogy man. he took us to a secluded area, threatened to kill jen if we ran. he ordered us down on our stomaches and made us pull our shirts over our heads. he sexually assaulted jen. we laid there , shaking in disbelief. then he made us get up and told us it was "your turn " to perform oral sex. carol said f*&k you, no. i was shocked she was always the quiet , submissive one. thankfully , when he moved on to me i said no. he left me alone. he said to jen see what kind of friends you have. he ordered us back on the ground, and raped her. we listened to her scream, and cry. it sucked so bad. we offered him money - he acted interested, he was just fu*&ing with us, he had no intentions of letting us go, but gave us hope. hope that he would stop and let us live. i thought initially that he was going to bring us to a van with a bunch of kidnappers or something. we thought the whole time , we were going to be killed. he had complete power over us. he let us go promising if we told he knew where to find us and he would , and kill us. we believed him. it wasn't until a week later that jen could finally go to the police. he was never caught for what he did to her, to us. why am i so numb to it ? but i have residual effects, to say the least. at first i was relieved to put a name to the way i behave and feel. :angry-fla but i can't even go there , and feel anything. about four people in my life know about this. i just told my best friend of ten years about it, a month ago. like i forgot to give him the family recipe for mac and cheese. oh bty i didn't tell you that ? so , i feel like i need permission to feel all those yucky feelings, that to me is almost as sad as the trauma. i can't trust my feelings. sorry to babble. thanks.