My Story - Raped Within The Military

[kaylie]

It has been almost 12 years since my experience, but can feel like it is happening over and over again.

I was in the Army, just starting out, thinking that this would be a great change of life for me. that night changed everything for me.

I was raped by a fellow classmate, who confessed to the rape, but yet was still treated like I was the criminal.

 

[piglet]

Welcome to the forum Kaylie. You've come to the right place to help yourself deal with all you have suffered. Pull up a chair and take a look around!

 

[Nam]

Hello Kaylie. Welcome aboard.

but yet was still treated like I was the criminal.

Well, that sucks, because it is/was never your fault. This was a double trauma: the rape itself, then the treatment you got afterwards. I'm sorry this happened to you. I hope that you will start healing. You've already taken a step.

Nam

 

[anthony]

Hi Kaylie,

Welcome to the forum, and glad you decided to post. That absolutely sucks. I am ex military myself, and I know what you are talking about when you say, "I was treated like the criminal." I have seen enough things happen, and when people do the right thing, and ensure those who break the law, inflict pain and suffering upon others illegally, get punished, military divide comes into play. Soldiers and peers begin to judge within an atmosphere that is not suitable for anything apart from war training to endure, or process. Comments come out, "she deserved it" or "she was a tease" etc etc, heard them all before within the military myself, none off which where appropriate for the purpose.

I had the unpleasure of dealing with two women who had been raped under my command, one was actually making it up for attention, the other had actually been raped by another soldier, who just couldn't take no for an answer. It wasn't pretty for either party. The female had to be transferred because of the abuse she got for doing the right thing. That didn't work though, and she eventually was discharged for medical purposes (mental illness) because the rumours followed, the slander and accusations, torment and general military banter that occurs, none of which would allow her a fair go within the military any longer. She got raped, and because of her being abused, her being the victim, she was the one who eventually had to leave the military because she could no longer suffer the torment. Go figure! Society can be harsh... society is a pussy compared to the military environment social scene... I understand what you are saying.

I think you have been treated unfairly, and certainly as Nam pointed out, most likely even now this treatment has just added to your initial trauma, escalating an already bad situation.

I'm glad your here Kaylie, and very glad that your talking about your traumas and actively seeking help. You have made a huge step already, just by posting here and acknowledging that you have a problem, that needs support and treatment for. Well done... its often the hardest step to take, the first step.... where denial is now past, so active treatment and recovery can begin.

 

[kaylie]

thanks all.
have decided that I am going to file a claim with the va for ptsd, again (they denied the first one). reqeusted my records from CID, but almost everything is blacked out for privacy act, where the hell was privacy when i was raped, and humiliated in front of my peers? pisses me off, the sob that did this to me was able to walk around a free man, while i was the one scrutinized. my husband knows what happened to me, but tells me to "just let it go", as if it were that easy. Can't tell you how many times have had flashblacks, nightmares, etc because of my experience. when will people get it through there head, that it's not something we want to keep reliving, but can't stop it from happening!

 

[kaylie]

what is it about certain smells, and hearing noises that brings you ripping through to the darkness. have thought about ending it all many times, that the world would be a better place without me here, but then think about my kids and that I could not leave them here witout me. still have panic type attacks when i hear soemthing, smell certain things.

 

[Nam]

Hang in there Kaylie. I know that when I was going through the bowels of hell, I too thought many times that it would be so much easier to just end it. I was hurting so much that I would rather just go....but every time I would see my children, I just couldn't go. Even though I had felt that I couldnt' possibly be a good mother to them, I stayed on and fought hard. Eventually, it does get better.

As for the smells, they say that smell and taste are the top two senses associated with memory recall. I believe it to be true. When I tried seaweed for the first time during high school (I had thought), the taste brought me back to my homeland and how much comfort that certain food brought to me. I remember it as being a special type of thing. That for a short time, life was going to be good.

I can't say the same for noises, although the startle thing is what got me during those times. I would jump at the slightest sounds. I couldn't play even soft music. I hated the traffic that woudl go by the house. I would try hard not to use the toaster, 'cause it made me jump when it was done. So many things. The sounds make me jump and bring on panic, but I dont' think they were used to recall or trigger any memories. I take that back. Once. When I was playing pat a cake with my oldest daughter, the slap sounds of clapping, brought on a memory about being beaten and back handed. I think that was the only time.

When ever you think that you have endured enough and can't possible go another minute, please log on and type, type, type...or call someone. The weirdest part about those times is that our brain tells us that it will never be better and that there is no way you can recover from the hurt, but that is not true. If you can make a minute, then you can make two. If you can make two, you can make four, and so on. Even, as early as the next day, you can feel better and start looking forward to something. Another tactic I had when I was feeling this way was to make sure I had something planned the next day. It could be as simple as what I was making for supper. But it was a plan and I had to be there for it. I got real close once in high school, but what made me not "jump" was that my mom called out through the door that supper was ready. The next thought, instead of jump, was "I wonder what's for supper..." It brought me down to the ground again. And I was able to make it a bit further. You can do this. It will pass. It might get worse, but we're here and you can lean on us. You can do it. Make it to the other side. It's worth the trip.....you'll feel better. Hope this helps.

 

[anthony]

my husband knows what happened to me, but tells me to "just let it go", as if it were that easy.

WOW... that is not exactly something I would say to a person who has suffered trauma, especially a women who had been raped. I could say lots to that, but I think I won't.

Kaylie, they are triggers to your trauma! Some triggers will always need to be avoided, some triggers you will learn to coexist with, and they will no longer be triggers.

You talk about your flashbacks, and how you would like them to stop, but obviously currently think they will never stop. The good news to that Kaylie, is that you can actually pretty much cease your flashbacks over time in healing other symptoms. Flashbacks are one of those symptoms that is attached to others major symptoms of PTSD, like anxiety, panic attacks, depression, etc etc. When you learn to control these other symptoms so they no longer bother you much within your normal scope of life, the flashbacks and nightmares also cease as a result.

The simple answer is trauma therapy! There is lots about it within other posts here already, so if you do an advanced search for trauma therapy, you will find good ways you can achieve it. When the trauma is out of you, and you are no longer fighting it, but instead existing with your trauma, you and your trauma basically become one, instead of the current opposites that are opposing one another now, fighting and argueing internally, causing all the PTSD symptoms to be enraged.

You will know when your ready to really get rid of your trauma...

 

[kaylie]

Took a step!

Well,

For the first time I actually went to speak with a therapist today about my rape. I was so scared, and nervous! For a very long time, if I talked about my rape to people that know what happened to me, I have been with little or no emotion when talking, but for some reason today, I cried hysterically. I didn't speak about my actaul rape, but we talked about my avoidance, and the fact that I still blame myself. We talked about my experinces after the rape, and what I went through after the rape. We talked about my husband and his telling me to let it go, and why it upsets me so much to thear that from him.

 

[Nam]

You took a huge leap! It's awesome to hear that you went in truthfully! So many of us kind of wasted a few sessions until we felt comfortable (whatever that is...). Sometimes talking with a complete stranger makes us be more truthful. A clean slate with no prejudices, judgements, and expectations. I hope that all of your sessions will be this productive.

On a cautionary note, after an exceptionally stressful session, you'll need to be good to yourself. I know in my experience, that I usually shut down a bit after a good session. It's like a recuperation mode. It comes across as withdrawl, and depression, but usually it goes away. I hope that you don't have this and that you go about your business as usual, but just be aware of it.

 

[piglet]

Fantastic Kaylie!:claps:

A giant leap!

 

[Farmer]

Welcome Kylie, that first T can sure be a relief and scarey at the same time. The trauma you suffered is diffinatly not your fault.