Sufferer My Story- there is hope!

RebeccaReal

New Here
Hello, I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and I lived high functioning - CPTSD for over 30 years. Most of my life this went undiagnosed for a couple of reasons- 1. a parent was aware of the abuse, however probably out of fear, chose not to report it nor was any professional help sought out, and 2. Once I did seek out therapy in my mid-20's, for what I believed was unrelated (couples therapy) I spoke of this abuse however my symptoms didn't reach the DSM-V minimum checklist to get an official diagnosis.

I continued to suffer what I self-diagnosed as "High functioning CPTSD"... I was written off by teachers and professors as "highly intelligent, but unfocused," my parents literally had a nickname for me "Snow-Flake" and had written me off as a "brilliant idiot" - or just a flake. I hid the shame for years of being a flake, and eventually just assumed the identity they had labeled me with.

I just believed I was a flake, and that's why I was abused, because I was too 'flakey' to stop it. In spite of this I remained generally happy in public, and worked my a$$ off desperately trying to take on massively ambitious goals to secretly prove I wasn't an idiot, or damaged goods, and for someone to finally take me seriously.

I went to architecture school- was top of my class, and in 5th year nearly failed out, Went for my masters degree- again top of my class, except I didn't even show up for my final exams, but was primed and ready with an excuse, and was able to negotiate a retake. I sat for my real estate exam and never bothered to study. I was the first in the room to finish the test, assuming I had failed and was ready to give up, and was shocked that I has passed- in fact I assumed they made a mistake.

I had started 3 businesses by the time I was 33, and drove all of them into the ground. I easily found new jobs and aced the interviews, but then would fail to complete projects, I would quit when the pressure would amp up and run away. My relationships were crap. I had no idea what I wanted, and would cycle through boys like crazy. I desperately wanted a sense of control and a sense of security, so I would pick losers boyfriends and got a rush out of dumping them, but would wonder why my knight in shining armor hasn't come to rescue me and take me away on his glistening yacht! I was living in a glazed over world, barely treading water, living one paycheck to another. I would put on a happy face and be the life of the party, and when I ran out of anecdotes, I would sneak out the back door and go home by myself and sit in the bathtub with a pizza and cry.

I had no idea what I wanted or how I even felt- I was numb, and I was always chasing some big hollow dream.

When I was 35 I moved back to California and was determined to make it this time. I met a man, and for the first time in years I felt something. I had finally broken my income cap and got a job doubling my salary. I had moved into my own place for the first time in my life. I thought I had it all figured out. Except that I blew it at my awesome new job, by staying up all night because of the boy- either we were off partying and having fun, or arguing and screaming in each others faces, or worse- I would sit up all night knowing he was cheating on me-and I would spy on his place- just waiting to catch him- so I would have proof, and then with proof I knew I could leave him. My self worth was in the toilet.

Eventually, I came to my senses, or so I thought. I broke up with the A$$-Hat. It was too late. I had already lost my job and was struggling to pay rent. I was scared to call my dad- because I could hear the disappointment in his voice at the word "hello." The day I was fired I was told they really liked me, but that they believed I was in the wrong position because I seemed to not be happy with my job, and that it was obvious I had some other things in my life that needed attention. I was upset, and spent another evening in the bathtub self loathing with a pizza and a week neurotically cleaning my house, purging everything in my closets and selling everything that wasn't bolted down!

I bounced back quickly- as I always had. And I picked up the pieces and started again; serial- dating and working $#!T jobs, and starting another side hustle business. On paper I looked great- on the inside I was miserable, and guess who I kept running back to every time he called. Yup you guessed it- the A$$-Hat. He was a narcissist, and was excellent at gas-lighting, and he was familiar, and at least I felt something- after all I had grown up with a sociopathic parent and narcistic siblings my whole life and didn't know it.

Turns out, that was the biggest mistake of my life. 2 days before my 37 birthday, he unleashed his true self on me. I was kidnapped, beaten and raped repeated over the course of 4 days. He took a knife to my throat and tried to kill me. I escaped as the knife pierced into my throat.

I began to experience all of my symptoms of trauma all over again- except amplified. I felt like I was losing my mind. I couldn't trust anyone, not even my own family ( not even the mentally stable ones). I had physical issues that I spent a year in physical therapy for. Some were obvious broken bones and nerve damage; but then I began to experience physical pain that seemed unexplainable- and I started to think the Dr.s didn't believe me.

It wasn't until I was in therapy - finally with a Trauma -informed therapist - that my life long struggles and mis-placed ambitions, were finally understood. She helped me work through my trauma and encouraged me to learn as much as I could about the ripple effect of trauma. I consider myself lucky to have had a therapist that understood me, and the truth about childhood trauma, and how I carried that with me my whole life. I worked my butt off for 2 and a half years and got very real with myself. I have researched and read every book and article I could get my hands on about trauma, neuroscience and epigenetics, and I am proud to say that I have found myself. My true self, with nothing to hide, and my PTSD and all of the crap that came with it is gone!

I am currently pursuing my PhD in Trauma and Greif Psychology, and a Certificate in Neuroscience. My goal is help other women dissolve the effects of trauma and alleviate their PTSD and anxiety with my work. I want you all to know that their is hope, and your future can be bright! It made all the difference when I had someone in my corner who believed in me, and I believe in you!
 

AnnieMae

Confident
Hello, I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and I lived high functioning - CPTSD for over 30 years. Most of my life this went undiagnosed for a couple of reasons- 1. a parent was aware of the abuse, however probably out of fear, chose not to report it nor was any professional help sought out, and 2. Once I did seek out therapy in my mid-20's, for what I believed was unrelated (couples therapy) I spoke of this abuse however my symptoms didn't reach the DSM-V minimum checklist to get an official diagnosis.

I continued to suffer what I self-diagnosed as "High functioning CPTSD"... I was written off by teachers and professors as "highly intelligent, but unfocused," my parents literally had a nickname for me "Snow-Flake" and had written me off as a "brilliant idiot" - or just a flake. I hid the shame for years of being a flake, and eventually just assumed the identity they had labeled me with.

I just believed I was a flake, and that's why I was abused, because I was too 'flakey' to stop it. In spite of this I remained generally happy in public, and worked my a$$ off desperately trying to take on massively ambitious goals to secretly prove I wasn't an idiot, or damaged goods, and for someone to finally take me seriously.

I went to architecture school- was top of my class, and in 5th year nearly failed out, Went for my masters degree- again top of my class, except I didn't even show up for my final exams, but was primed and ready with an excuse, and was able to negotiate a retake. I sat for my real estate exam and never bothered to study. I was the first in the room to finish the test, assuming I had failed and was ready to give up, and was shocked that I has passed- in fact I assumed they made a mistake.

I had started 3 businesses by the time I was 33, and drove all of them into the ground. I easily found new jobs and aced the interviews, but then would fail to complete projects, I would quit when the pressure would amp up and run away. My relationships were crap. I had no idea what I wanted, and would cycle through boys like crazy. I desperately wanted a sense of control and a sense of security, so I would pick losers boyfriends and got a rush out of dumping them, but would wonder why my knight in shining armor hasn't come to rescue me and take me away on his glistening yacht! I was living in a glazed over world, barely treading water, living one paycheck to another. I would put on a happy face and be the life of the party, and when I ran out of anecdotes, I would sneak out the back door and go home by myself and sit in the bathtub with a pizza and cry.

I had no idea what I wanted or how I even felt- I was numb, and I was always chasing some big hollow dream.

When I was 35 I moved back to California and was determined to make it this time. I met a man, and for the first time in years I felt something. I had finally broken my income cap and got a job doubling my salary. I had moved into my own place for the first time in my life. I thought I had it all figured out. Except that I blew it at my awesome new job, by staying up all night because of the boy- either we were off partying and having fun, or arguing and screaming in each others faces, or worse- I would sit up all night knowing he was cheating on me-and I would spy on his place- just waiting to catch him- so I would have proof, and then with proof I knew I could leave him. My self worth was in the toilet.

Eventually, I came to my senses, or so I thought. I broke up with the A$$-Hat. It was too late. I had already lost my job and was struggling to pay rent. I was scared to call my dad- because I could hear the disappointment in his voice at the word "hello." The day I was fired I was told they really liked me, but that they believed I was in the wrong position because I seemed to not be happy with my job, and that it was obvious I had some other things in my life that needed attention. I was upset, and spent another evening in the bathtub self loathing with a pizza and a week neurotically cleaning my house, purging everything in my closets and selling everything that wasn't bolted down!

I bounced back quickly- as I always had. And I picked up the pieces and started again; serial- dating and working $#!T jobs, and starting another side hustle business. On paper I looked great- on the inside I was miserable, and guess who I kept running back to every time he called. Yup you guessed it- the A$$-Hat. He was a narcissist, and was excellent at gas-lighting, and he was familiar, and at least I felt something- after all I had grown up with a sociopathic parent and narcistic siblings my whole life and didn't know it.

Turns out, that was the biggest mistake of my life. 2 days before my 37 birthday, he unleashed his true self on me. I was kidnapped, beaten and raped repeated over the course of 4 days. He took a knife to my throat and tried to kill me. I escaped as the knife pierced into my throat.

I began to experience all of my symptoms of trauma all over again- except amplified. I felt like I was losing my mind. I couldn't trust anyone, not even my own family ( not even the mentally stable ones). I had physical issues that I spent a year in physical therapy for. Some were obvious broken bones and nerve damage; but then I began to experience physical pain that seemed unexplainable- and I started to think the Dr.s didn't believe me.

It wasn't until I was in therapy - finally with a Trauma -informed therapist - that my life long struggles and mis-placed ambitions, were finally understood. She helped me work through my trauma and encouraged me to learn as much as I could about the ripple effect of trauma. I consider myself lucky to have had a therapist that understood me, and the truth about childhood trauma, and how I carried that with me my whole life. I worked my butt off for 2 and a half years and got very real with myself. I have researched and read every book and article I could get my hands on about trauma, neuroscience and epigenetics, and I am proud to say that I have found myself. My true self, with nothing to hide, and my PTSD and all of the crap that came with it is gone!

I am currently pursuing my PhD in Trauma and Greif Psychology, and a Certificate in Neuroscience. My goal is help other women dissolve the effects of trauma and alleviate their PTSD and anxiety with my work. I want you all to know that their is hope, and your future can be bright! It made all the difference when I had someone in my corner who believed in me, and I believe in you!
This is amazing!
 

Kittie

Confident
So sorry you had to experience that, but I'm glad you'll be able to turn it into something good that can help others. I'm proud of your progress!
 

woodsy1

MyPTSD Pro
Hello, I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and I lived high functioning - CPTSD for over 30 years. Most of my life this went undiagnosed for a couple of reasons- 1. a parent was aware of the abuse, however probably out of fear, chose not to report it nor was any professional help sought out, and 2. Once I did seek out therapy in my mid-20's, for what I believed was unrelated (couples therapy) I spoke of this abuse however my symptoms didn't reach the DSM-V minimum checklist to get an official diagnosis.

I continued to suffer what I self-diagnosed as "High functioning CPTSD"... I was written off by teachers and professors as "highly intelligent, but unfocused," my parents literally had a nickname for me "Snow-Flake" and had written me off as a "brilliant idiot" - or just a flake. I hid the shame for years of being a flake, and eventually just assumed the identity they had labeled me with.

I just believed I was a flake, and that's why I was abused, because I was too 'flakey' to stop it. In spite of this I remained generally happy in public, and worked my a$$ off desperately trying to take on massively ambitious goals to secretly prove I wasn't an idiot, or damaged goods, and for someone to finally take me seriously.

I went to architecture school- was top of my class, and in 5th year nearly failed out, Went for my masters degree- again top of my class, except I didn't even show up for my final exams, but was primed and ready with an excuse, and was able to negotiate a retake. I sat for my real estate exam and never bothered to study. I was the first in the room to finish the test, assuming I had failed and was ready to give up, and was shocked that I has passed- in fact I assumed they made a mistake.

I had started 3 businesses by the time I was 33, and drove all of them into the ground. I easily found new jobs and aced the interviews, but then would fail to complete projects, I would quit when the pressure would amp up and run away. My relationships were crap. I had no idea what I wanted, and would cycle through boys like crazy. I desperately wanted a sense of control and a sense of security, so I would pick losers boyfriends and got a rush out of dumping them, but would wonder why my knight in shining armor hasn't come to rescue me and take me away on his glistening yacht! I was living in a glazed over world, barely treading water, living one paycheck to another. I would put on a happy face and be the life of the party, and when I ran out of anecdotes, I would sneak out the back door and go home by myself and sit in the bathtub with a pizza and cry.

I had no idea what I wanted or how I even felt- I was numb, and I was always chasing some big hollow dream.

When I was 35 I moved back to California and was determined to make it this time. I met a man, and for the first time in years I felt something. I had finally broken my income cap and got a job doubling my salary. I had moved into my own place for the first time in my life. I thought I had it all figured out. Except that I blew it at my awesome new job, by staying up all night because of the boy- either we were off partying and having fun, or arguing and screaming in each others faces, or worse- I would sit up all night knowing he was cheating on me-and I would spy on his place- just waiting to catch him- so I would have proof, and then with proof I knew I could leave him. My self worth was in the toilet.

Eventually, I came to my senses, or so I thought. I broke up with the A$$-Hat. It was too late. I had already lost my job and was struggling to pay rent. I was scared to call my dad- because I could hear the disappointment in his voice at the word "hello." The day I was fired I was told they really liked me, but that they believed I was in the wrong position because I seemed to not be happy with my job, and that it was obvious I had some other things in my life that needed attention. I was upset, and spent another evening in the bathtub self loathing with a pizza and a week neurotically cleaning my house, purging everything in my closets and selling everything that wasn't bolted down!

I bounced back quickly- as I always had. And I picked up the pieces and started again; serial- dating and working $#!T jobs, and starting another side hustle business. On paper I looked great- on the inside I was miserable, and guess who I kept running back to every time he called. Yup you guessed it- the A$$-Hat. He was a narcissist, and was excellent at gas-lighting, and he was familiar, and at least I felt something- after all I had grown up with a sociopathic parent and narcistic siblings my whole life and didn't know it.

Turns out, that was the biggest mistake of my life. 2 days before my 37 birthday, he unleashed his true self on me. I was kidnapped, beaten and raped repeated over the course of 4 days. He took a knife to my throat and tried to kill me. I escaped as the knife pierced into my throat.

I began to experience all of my symptoms of trauma all over again- except amplified. I felt like I was losing my mind. I couldn't trust anyone, not even my own family ( not even the mentally stable ones). I had physical issues that I spent a year in physical therapy for. Some were obvious broken bones and nerve damage; but then I began to experience physical pain that seemed unexplainable- and I started to think the Dr.s didn't believe me.

It wasn't until I was in therapy - finally with a Trauma -informed therapist - that my life long struggles and mis-placed ambitions, were finally understood. She helped me work through my trauma and encouraged me to learn as much as I could about the ripple effect of trauma. I consider myself lucky to have had a therapist that understood me, and the truth about childhood trauma, and how I carried that with me my whole life. I worked my butt off for 2 and a half years and got very real with myself. I have researched and read every book and article I could get my hands on about trauma, neuroscience and epigenetics, and I am proud to say that I have found myself. My true self, with nothing to hide, and my PTSD and all of the crap that came with it is gone!

I am currently pursuing my PhD in Trauma and Greif Psychology, and a Certificate in Neuroscience. My goal is help other women dissolve the effects of trauma and alleviate their PTSD and anxiety with my work. I want you all to know that their is hope, and your future can be bright! It made all the difference when I had someone in my corner who believed in me, and I believe in you!
Welcome to the community. I'm so sorry for all you've been through. I'm happy though to see you've made it through and are doing well.

Pull up a seat and make yourself at home.

Woodsy
 
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