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Sufferer My Story- there is hope! CSA, cPTSD

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RCReal

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Hello, I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and I lived high functioning - CPTSD for over 30 years. Most of my life this went undiagnosed for a couple of reasons- 1. a parent was aware of the abuse, however probably out of fear, chose not to report it nor was any professional help sought out, and 2. Once I did seek out therapy in my mid-20's, for what I believed was unrelated (couples therapy) I spoke of this abuse however my symptoms didn't reach the DSM-V minimum checklist to get an official diagnosis.

I continued to suffer what I self-diagnosed as "High functioning CPTSD"... I was written off by teachers and professors as "highly intelligent, but unfocused," my parents literally had a nickname for me "Snow-Flake" and had written me off as a "brilliant idiot" - or just a flake. I hid the shame for years of being a flake, and eventually just assumed the identity they had labeled me with.

I just believed I was a flake, and that's why I was abused, because I was too 'flakey' to stop it. In spite of this I remained generally happy in public, and worked my a$$ off desperately trying to take on massively ambitious goals to secretly prove I wasn't an idiot, or damaged goods, and for someone to finally take me seriously.

I went to architecture school- was top of my class, and in 5th year nearly failed out, Went for my masters degree- again top of my class, except I didn't even show up for my final exams, but was primed and ready with an excuse, and was able to negotiate a retake. I sat for my real estate exam and never bothered to study. I was the first in the room to finish the test, assuming I had failed and was ready to give up, and was shocked that I has passed- in fact I assumed they made a mistake.

I had started 3 businesses by the time I was 33, and drove all of them into the ground. I easily found new jobs and aced the interviews, but then would fail to complete projects, I would quit when the pressure would amp up and run away. My relationships were crap. I had no idea what I wanted, and would cycle through boys like crazy. I desperately wanted a sense of control and a sense of security, so I would pick losers boyfriends and got a rush out of dumping them, but would wonder why my knight in shining armor hasn't come to rescue me and take me away on his glistening yacht! I was living in a glazed over world, barely treading water, living one paycheck to another. I would put on a happy face and be the life of the party, and when I ran out of anecdotes, I would sneak out the back door and go home by myself and sit in the bathtub with a pizza and cry.

I had no idea what I wanted or how I even felt- I was numb, and I was always chasing some big hollow dream.

When I was 35 I moved back to California and was determined to make it this time. I met a man, and for the first time in years I felt something. I had finally broken my income cap and got a job doubling my salary. I had moved into my own place for the first time in my life. I thought I had it all figured out. Except that I blew it at my awesome new job, by staying up all night because of the boy- either we were off partying and having fun, or arguing and screaming in each others faces, or worse- I would sit up all night knowing he was cheating on me-and I would spy on his place- just waiting to catch him- so I would have proof, and then with proof I knew I could leave him. My self worth was in the toilet.

Eventually, I came to my senses, or so I thought. I broke up with the A$$-Hat. It was too late. I had already lost my job and was struggling to pay rent. I was scared to call my dad- because I could hear the disappointment in his voice at the word "hello." The day I was fired I was told they really liked me, but that they believed I was in the wrong position because I seemed to not be happy with my job, and that it was obvious I had some other things in my life that needed attention. I was upset, and spent another evening in the bathtub self loathing with a pizza and a week neurotically cleaning my house, purging everything in my closets and selling everything that wasn't bolted down!

I bounced back quickly- as I always had. And I picked up the pieces and started again; serial- dating and working $#!T jobs, and starting another side hustle business. On paper I looked great- on the inside I was miserable, and guess who I kept running back to every time he called. Yup you guessed it- the A$$-Hat. He was a narcissist, and was excellent at gas-lighting, and he was familiar, and at least I felt something- after all I had grown up with a sociopathic parent and narcistic siblings my whole life and didn't know it.

Turns out, that was the biggest mistake of my life. 2 days before my 37 birthday, he unleashed his true self on me. I was kidnapped, beaten and raped repeated over the course of 4 days. He took a knife to my throat and tried to kill me. I escaped as the knife pierced into my throat.

I began to experience all of my symptoms of trauma all over again- except amplified. I felt like I was losing my mind. I couldn't trust anyone, not even my own family ( not even the mentally stable ones). I had physical issues that I spent a year in physical therapy for. Some were obvious broken bones and nerve damage; but then I began to experience physical pain that seemed unexplainable- and I started to think the Dr.s didn't believe me.

It wasn't until I was in therapy - finally with a Trauma -informed therapist - that my life long struggles and mis-placed ambitions, were finally understood. She helped me work through my trauma and encouraged me to learn as much as I could about the ripple effect of trauma. I consider myself lucky to have had a therapist that understood me, and the truth about childhood trauma, and how I carried that with me my whole life. I worked my butt off for 2 and a half years and got very real with myself. I have researched and read every book and article I could get my hands on about trauma, neuroscience and epigenetics, and I am proud to say that I have found myself. My true self, with nothing to hide, and my PTSD and all of the crap that came with it is gone!

I am currently pursuing my PhD in Trauma and Greif Psychology, and a Certificate in Neuroscience. My goal is help other women dissolve the effects of trauma and alleviate their PTSD and anxiety with my work. I want you all to know that their is hope, and your future can be bright! It made all the difference when I had someone in my corner who believed in me, and I believe in you!
 
Hello, I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and I lived high functioning - CPTSD for over 30 years. Most of my life this went undiagnosed for a couple of reasons- 1. a parent was aware of the abuse, however probably out of fear, chose not to report it nor was any professional help sought out, and 2. Once I did seek out therapy in my mid-20's, for what I believed was unrelated (couples therapy) I spoke of this abuse however my symptoms didn't reach the DSM-V minimum checklist to get an official diagnosis.

I continued to suffer what I self-diagnosed as "High functioning CPTSD"... I was written off by teachers and professors as "highly intelligent, but unfocused," my parents literally had a nickname for me "Snow-Flake" and had written me off as a "brilliant idiot" - or just a flake. I hid the shame for years of being a flake, and eventually just assumed the identity they had labeled me with.

I just believed I was a flake, and that's why I was abused, because I was too 'flakey' to stop it. In spite of this I remained generally happy in public, and worked my a$$ off desperately trying to take on massively ambitious goals to secretly prove I wasn't an idiot, or damaged goods, and for someone to finally take me seriously.

I went to architecture school- was top of my class, and in 5th year nearly failed out, Went for my masters degree- again top of my class, except I didn't even show up for my final exams, but was primed and ready with an excuse, and was able to negotiate a retake. I sat for my real estate exam and never bothered to study. I was the first in the room to finish the test, assuming I had failed and was ready to give up, and was shocked that I has passed- in fact I assumed they made a mistake.

I had started 3 businesses by the time I was 33, and drove all of them into the ground. I easily found new jobs and aced the interviews, but then would fail to complete projects, I would quit when the pressure would amp up and run away. My relationships were crap. I had no idea what I wanted, and would cycle through boys like crazy. I desperately wanted a sense of control and a sense of security, so I would pick losers boyfriends and got a rush out of dumping them, but would wonder why my knight in shining armor hasn't come to rescue me and take me away on his glistening yacht! I was living in a glazed over world, barely treading water, living one paycheck to another. I would put on a happy face and be the life of the party, and when I ran out of anecdotes, I would sneak out the back door and go home by myself and sit in the bathtub with a pizza and cry.

I had no idea what I wanted or how I even felt- I was numb, and I was always chasing some big hollow dream.

When I was 35 I moved back to California and was determined to make it this time. I met a man, and for the first time in years I felt something. I had finally broken my income cap and got a job doubling my salary. I had moved into my own place for the first time in my life. I thought I had it all figured out. Except that I blew it at my awesome new job, by staying up all night because of the boy- either we were off partying and having fun, or arguing and screaming in each others faces, or worse- I would sit up all night knowing he was cheating on me-and I would spy on his place- just waiting to catch him- so I would have proof, and then with proof I knew I could leave him. My self worth was in the toilet.

Eventually, I came to my senses, or so I thought. I broke up with the A$$-Hat. It was too late. I had already lost my job and was struggling to pay rent. I was scared to call my dad- because I could hear the disappointment in his voice at the word "hello." The day I was fired I was told they really liked me, but that they believed I was in the wrong position because I seemed to not be happy with my job, and that it was obvious I had some other things in my life that needed attention. I was upset, and spent another evening in the bathtub self loathing with a pizza and a week neurotically cleaning my house, purging everything in my closets and selling everything that wasn't bolted down!

I bounced back quickly- as I always had. And I picked up the pieces and started again; serial- dating and working $#!T jobs, and starting another side hustle business. On paper I looked great- on the inside I was miserable, and guess who I kept running back to every time he called. Yup you guessed it- the A$$-Hat. He was a narcissist, and was excellent at gas-lighting, and he was familiar, and at least I felt something- after all I had grown up with a sociopathic parent and narcistic siblings my whole life and didn't know it.

Turns out, that was the biggest mistake of my life. 2 days before my 37 birthday, he unleashed his true self on me. I was kidnapped, beaten and raped repeated over the course of 4 days. He took a knife to my throat and tried to kill me. I escaped as the knife pierced into my throat.

I began to experience all of my symptoms of trauma all over again- except amplified. I felt like I was losing my mind. I couldn't trust anyone, not even my own family ( not even the mentally stable ones). I had physical issues that I spent a year in physical therapy for. Some were obvious broken bones and nerve damage; but then I began to experience physical pain that seemed unexplainable- and I started to think the Dr.s didn't believe me.

It wasn't until I was in therapy - finally with a Trauma -informed therapist - that my life long struggles and mis-placed ambitions, were finally understood. She helped me work through my trauma and encouraged me to learn as much as I could about the ripple effect of trauma. I consider myself lucky to have had a therapist that understood me, and the truth about childhood trauma, and how I carried that with me my whole life. I worked my butt off for 2 and a half years and got very real with myself. I have researched and read every book and article I could get my hands on about trauma, neuroscience and epigenetics, and I am proud to say that I have found myself. My true self, with nothing to hide, and my PTSD and all of the crap that came with it is gone!

I am currently pursuing my PhD in Trauma and Greif Psychology, and a Certificate in Neuroscience. My goal is help other women dissolve the effects of trauma and alleviate their PTSD and anxiety with my work. I want you all to know that their is hope, and your future can be bright! It made all the difference when I had someone in my corner who believed in me, and I believe in you!
This is amazing!
 
So sorry you had to experience that, but I'm glad you'll be able to turn it into something good that can help others. I'm proud of your progress!
 
Hello, I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and I lived high functioning - CPTSD for over 30 years. Most of my life this went undiagnosed for a couple of reasons- 1. a parent was aware of the abuse, however probably out of fear, chose not to report it nor was any professional help sought out, and 2. Once I did seek out therapy in my mid-20's, for what I believed was unrelated (couples therapy) I spoke of this abuse however my symptoms didn't reach the DSM-V minimum checklist to get an official diagnosis.

I continued to suffer what I self-diagnosed as "High functioning CPTSD"... I was written off by teachers and professors as "highly intelligent, but unfocused," my parents literally had a nickname for me "Snow-Flake" and had written me off as a "brilliant idiot" - or just a flake. I hid the shame for years of being a flake, and eventually just assumed the identity they had labeled me with.

I just believed I was a flake, and that's why I was abused, because I was too 'flakey' to stop it. In spite of this I remained generally happy in public, and worked my a$$ off desperately trying to take on massively ambitious goals to secretly prove I wasn't an idiot, or damaged goods, and for someone to finally take me seriously.

I went to architecture school- was top of my class, and in 5th year nearly failed out, Went for my masters degree- again top of my class, except I didn't even show up for my final exams, but was primed and ready with an excuse, and was able to negotiate a retake. I sat for my real estate exam and never bothered to study. I was the first in the room to finish the test, assuming I had failed and was ready to give up, and was shocked that I has passed- in fact I assumed they made a mistake.

I had started 3 businesses by the time I was 33, and drove all of them into the ground. I easily found new jobs and aced the interviews, but then would fail to complete projects, I would quit when the pressure would amp up and run away. My relationships were crap. I had no idea what I wanted, and would cycle through boys like crazy. I desperately wanted a sense of control and a sense of security, so I would pick losers boyfriends and got a rush out of dumping them, but would wonder why my knight in shining armor hasn't come to rescue me and take me away on his glistening yacht! I was living in a glazed over world, barely treading water, living one paycheck to another. I would put on a happy face and be the life of the party, and when I ran out of anecdotes, I would sneak out the back door and go home by myself and sit in the bathtub with a pizza and cry.

I had no idea what I wanted or how I even felt- I was numb, and I was always chasing some big hollow dream.

When I was 35 I moved back to California and was determined to make it this time. I met a man, and for the first time in years I felt something. I had finally broken my income cap and got a job doubling my salary. I had moved into my own place for the first time in my life. I thought I had it all figured out. Except that I blew it at my awesome new job, by staying up all night because of the boy- either we were off partying and having fun, or arguing and screaming in each others faces, or worse- I would sit up all night knowing he was cheating on me-and I would spy on his place- just waiting to catch him- so I would have proof, and then with proof I knew I could leave him. My self worth was in the toilet.

Eventually, I came to my senses, or so I thought. I broke up with the A$$-Hat. It was too late. I had already lost my job and was struggling to pay rent. I was scared to call my dad- because I could hear the disappointment in his voice at the word "hello." The day I was fired I was told they really liked me, but that they believed I was in the wrong position because I seemed to not be happy with my job, and that it was obvious I had some other things in my life that needed attention. I was upset, and spent another evening in the bathtub self loathing with a pizza and a week neurotically cleaning my house, purging everything in my closets and selling everything that wasn't bolted down!

I bounced back quickly- as I always had. And I picked up the pieces and started again; serial- dating and working $#!T jobs, and starting another side hustle business. On paper I looked great- on the inside I was miserable, and guess who I kept running back to every time he called. Yup you guessed it- the A$$-Hat. He was a narcissist, and was excellent at gas-lighting, and he was familiar, and at least I felt something- after all I had grown up with a sociopathic parent and narcistic siblings my whole life and didn't know it.

Turns out, that was the biggest mistake of my life. 2 days before my 37 birthday, he unleashed his true self on me. I was kidnapped, beaten and raped repeated over the course of 4 days. He took a knife to my throat and tried to kill me. I escaped as the knife pierced into my throat.

I began to experience all of my symptoms of trauma all over again- except amplified. I felt like I was losing my mind. I couldn't trust anyone, not even my own family ( not even the mentally stable ones). I had physical issues that I spent a year in physical therapy for. Some were obvious broken bones and nerve damage; but then I began to experience physical pain that seemed unexplainable- and I started to think the Dr.s didn't believe me.

It wasn't until I was in therapy - finally with a Trauma -informed therapist - that my life long struggles and mis-placed ambitions, were finally understood. She helped me work through my trauma and encouraged me to learn as much as I could about the ripple effect of trauma. I consider myself lucky to have had a therapist that understood me, and the truth about childhood trauma, and how I carried that with me my whole life. I worked my butt off for 2 and a half years and got very real with myself. I have researched and read every book and article I could get my hands on about trauma, neuroscience and epigenetics, and I am proud to say that I have found myself. My true self, with nothing to hide, and my PTSD and all of the crap that came with it is gone!

I am currently pursuing my PhD in Trauma and Greif Psychology, and a Certificate in Neuroscience. My goal is help other women dissolve the effects of trauma and alleviate their PTSD and anxiety with my work. I want you all to know that their is hope, and your future can be bright! It made all the difference when I had someone in my corner who believed in me, and I believe in you!
Welcome to the community. I'm so sorry for all you've been through. I'm happy though to see you've made it through and are doing well.

Pull up a seat and make yourself at home.

Woodsy
 
Welcome to the community. I'm so sorry for all you've been through. I'm happy though to see you've made it through and are doing well.

Pull up a seat and make yourself at home.

Woodsy
Thanks! I appreciate the arm welcome :) Hopefully I can make a difference here and helps others find the freedom I have :)
 
Hi Rebecca,

Welcome and I hope that you will find the information and support here helpful for any bumps in the road. Very inspiring reading about your success with therapy.
 
Hi there. I’m not there yet, but resonate with your story and the "problem" of being high-functioning. Welcome and thank you for sharing your story, it is good to know things can be overcome!
 
Hi there. I’m not there yet, but resonate with your story and the "problem" of being high-functioning. Welcome and thank you for sharing your story, it is good to know things can be overcome!
Yea this was the hardest part I think... you know that you are capable of so much more and feel like there is an invisible anchor holding you back... The process I went through to let go of this trauma (aka the invisible anchor) boiled down to something super simple... and I am currently working on my PhD to try to prove this actually works... putting my hypervigilance to good use :) It comes down to belief that you actually can turn off the trauma symptoms and let go... that was the biggest barrier I had to overcome :) you're 80% there!
 
It comes down to belief that you actually can turn off the trauma symptoms and let go
Fair warning... I did that. As have countless others, come to find. Because, yep! It’s totally possible to chip away at every symptom you don’t want & eliminate it from your life. All without coming within the same galaxy of your trauma, much less spitting distance. The problem with that technique? It all comes back. Just as strong as day 1. As if you’d never spent the months & years eliminating those symptoms. And sorting them all over again? Takes just as long, if not even longer. You’d think it would speed up the process, knowing that you’ve done it before, and knowing the techniques that work, instead of starting from scratch. For some? Maybe. But for myself & everyone I’ve spoken with? It’s actually longer and harder each time you get plunged back in. All it takes to get kicked back to the word “go”? (do not collect $200 😛 ). New trauma, stress or stressors, &/or loss of even a single coping mechanism. Any one of those, or any combo. Including giving up unhealthy coping mechanisms, like quitting smoking.

It drove me crazy... as I’d spent 5-7 years unf*cking my head & my life the first go round... to just have almost all of it come flooding right back. The only stuff that didn’t? The trauma I’d accidentally processed. That? Had as many sharp edges as tying my shoes in the morning. AKA none. Nothing, zip nada zilch, came back from the stuff I’d not just come at symptom wise but had gone after the root cause.

I could have saved myself the past 9 years... if I had only known the first time through that treating the symptoms alone isn’t enough. Don’t get me wrong, I had a whole durn decade of virtually asymptomatic life. Coming after symptoms alone? Works. Just not long term. It works until something goes wrong. Which is usually when someone most needs to not be plunged back into being nonfunctional.
 
Fair warning... I did that. As have countless others, come to find. Because, yep! It’s totally possible to chip away at every symptom you don’t want & eliminate it from your life. All without coming within the same galaxy of your trauma, much less spitting distance. The problem with that technique? It all comes back. Just as strong as day 1. As if you’d never spent the months & years eliminating those symptoms. And sorting them all over again? Takes just as long, if not even longer. You’d think it would speed up the process, knowing that you’ve done it before, and knowing the techniques that work, instead of starting from scratch. For some? Maybe. But for myself & everyone I’ve spoken with? It’s actually longer and harder each time you get plunged back in. All it takes to get kicked back to the word “go”? (do not collect $200 😛 ). New trauma, stress or stressors, &/or loss of even a single coping mechanism. Any one of those, or any combo. Including giving up unhealthy coping mechanisms, like quitting smoking.

It drove me crazy... as I’d spent 5-7 years unf*cking my head & my life the first go round... to just have almost all of it come flooding right back. The only stuff that didn’t? The trauma I’d accidentally processed. That? Had as many sharp edges as tying my shoes in the morning. AKA none. Nothing, zip nada zilch, came back from the stuff I’d not just come at symptom wise but had gone after the root cause.

I could have saved myself the past 9 years... if I had only known the first time through that treating the symptoms alone isn’t enough. Don’t get me wrong, I had a whole durn decade of virtually asymptomatic life. Coming after symptoms alone? Works. Just not long term. It works until something goes wrong. Which is usually when someone most needs to not be plunged back into being nonfunctional.
YYYEESSSS - EXACTLY!!!-- 99% of therapists and doctors and sufferers actually only attack the symptoms and don't work to release the trauma memories ( a cluster of neural pathways that create associations) themselves... to be more specific... you ( by you I mean survivors in general) have to stop focusing your attention on the trauma symptoms, anxiety and depression etc... and let go of the fear, sadness, hurt, guilt and shame ( these are the barriers to releasing trauma- not symptoms)... then you go deep and let go of the actual trauma memories...in your body... not your head...
Symptom relief is why people go to therapy - they feel better (at least for a bit) going to therapy and working on getting symptom relief.... but as you said- long term it doesn't stick... there are really 3 phases.... 1) you need the resources you didn't have at the time the trauma event happened... (that's therapy, support, education etc...) ( the unF***ing your head so to speak) 2.) you need to release the trauma where it is stored in the body (not the mind)at the root source and 3) You have to rewrite the epigenetic markers through behavior and beliefs to define a new neural pathways otherwise you will continue to experience trauma- but just from different sources.... I know that got a little nerdy there... but the issue with traditional therapy is that it fails to operate in the belief that you can actually close the door to trauma.

You can read my welcome story of my past but the highlights - childhood sexual abuse age 4 , again 9-13? ish, neglect of a narcasistic parent then abusive relationships... thought I kicked it... lived well enough - good coping skills et... then in my 30's walked into an abusive relationship and ended up being kidnapped beaten raped and survived attempted murder... that's when i realized i haven't really released the trauma patterns and I was generating more of the same in my own life - because of my own thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors.... and I had to go deeper... and I went back and had to undo the trauma from my youth and the trauma I had been "given" from my mother. When I looked back at my family history of trauma it all started to make sense... and this is why I am studying the Epigenetics of trauma an how our current psychology impact things deeper than our own cognitive control. ( or feeling of complete lack of control) :)
 
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