Hello, I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and I lived high functioning - CPTSD for over 30 years. Most of my life this went undiagnosed for a couple of reasons- 1. a parent was aware of the abuse, however probably out of fear, chose not to report it nor was any professional help sought out, and 2. Once I did seek out therapy in my mid-20's, for what I believed was unrelated (couples therapy) I spoke of this abuse however my symptoms didn't reach the DSM-V minimum checklist to get an official diagnosis.
I continued to suffer what I self-diagnosed as "High functioning CPTSD"... I was written off by teachers and professors as "highly intelligent, but unfocused," my parents literally had a nickname for me "Snow-Flake" and had written me off as a "brilliant idiot" - or just a flake. I hid the shame for years of being a flake, and eventually just assumed the identity they had labeled me with.
I just believed I was a flake, and that's why I was abused, because I was too 'flakey' to stop it. In spite of this I remained generally happy in public, and worked my a$$ off desperately trying to take on massively ambitious goals to secretly prove I wasn't an idiot, or damaged goods, and for someone to finally take me seriously.
I went to architecture school- was top of my class, and in 5th year nearly failed out, Went for my masters degree- again top of my class, except I didn't even show up for my final exams, but was primed and ready with an excuse, and was able to negotiate a retake. I sat for my real estate exam and never bothered to study. I was the first in the room to finish the test, assuming I had failed and was ready to give up, and was shocked that I has passed- in fact I assumed they made a mistake.
I had started 3 businesses by the time I was 33, and drove all of them into the ground. I easily found new jobs and aced the interviews, but then would fail to complete projects, I would quit when the pressure would amp up and run away. My relationships were crap. I had no idea what I wanted, and would cycle through boys like crazy. I desperately wanted a sense of control and a sense of security, so I would pick losers boyfriends and got a rush out of dumping them, but would wonder why my knight in shining armor hasn't come to rescue me and take me away on his glistening yacht! I was living in a glazed over world, barely treading water, living one paycheck to another. I would put on a happy face and be the life of the party, and when I ran out of anecdotes, I would sneak out the back door and go home by myself and sit in the bathtub with a pizza and cry.
I had no idea what I wanted or how I even felt- I was numb, and I was always chasing some big hollow dream.
When I was 35 I moved back to California and was determined to make it this time. I met a man, and for the first time in years I felt something. I had finally broken my income cap and got a job doubling my salary. I had moved into my own place for the first time in my life. I thought I had it all figured out. Except that I blew it at my awesome new job, by staying up all night because of the boy- either we were off partying and having fun, or arguing and screaming in each others faces, or worse- I would sit up all night knowing he was cheating on me-and I would spy on his place- just waiting to catch him- so I would have proof, and then with proof I knew I could leave him. My self worth was in the toilet.
Eventually, I came to my senses, or so I thought. I broke up with the A$$-Hat. It was too late. I had already lost my job and was struggling to pay rent. I was scared to call my dad- because I could hear the disappointment in his voice at the word "hello." The day I was fired I was told they really liked me, but that they believed I was in the wrong position because I seemed to not be happy with my job, and that it was obvious I had some other things in my life that needed attention. I was upset, and spent another evening in the bathtub self loathing with a pizza and a week neurotically cleaning my house, purging everything in my closets and selling everything that wasn't bolted down!
I bounced back quickly- as I always had. And I picked up the pieces and started again; serial- dating and working $#!T jobs, and starting another side hustle business. On paper I looked great- on the inside I was miserable, and guess who I kept running back to every time he called. Yup you guessed it- the A$$-Hat. He was a narcissist, and was excellent at gas-lighting, and he was familiar, and at least I felt something- after all I had grown up with a sociopathic parent and narcistic siblings my whole life and didn't know it.
Turns out, that was the biggest mistake of my life. 2 days before my 37 birthday, he unleashed his true self on me. I was kidnapped, beaten and raped repeated over the course of 4 days. He took a knife to my throat and tried to kill me. I escaped as the knife pierced into my throat.
I began to experience all of my symptoms of trauma all over again- except amplified. I felt like I was losing my mind. I couldn't trust anyone, not even my own family ( not even the mentally stable ones). I had physical issues that I spent a year in physical therapy for. Some were obvious broken bones and nerve damage; but then I began to experience physical pain that seemed unexplainable- and I started to think the Dr.s didn't believe me.
It wasn't until I was in therapy - finally with a Trauma -informed therapist - that my life long struggles and mis-placed ambitions, were finally understood. She helped me work through my trauma and encouraged me to learn as much as I could about the ripple effect of trauma. I consider myself lucky to have had a therapist that understood me, and the truth about childhood trauma, and how I carried that with me my whole life. I worked my butt off for 2 and a half years and got very real with myself. I have researched and read every book and article I could get my hands on about trauma, neuroscience and epigenetics, and I am proud to say that I have found myself. My true self, with nothing to hide, and my PTSD and all of the crap that came with it is gone!
I am currently pursuing my PhD in Trauma and Greif Psychology, and a Certificate in Neuroscience. My goal is help other women dissolve the effects of trauma and alleviate their PTSD and anxiety with my work. I want you all to know that their is hope, and your future can be bright! It made all the difference when I had someone in my corner who believed in me, and I believe in you!
I continued to suffer what I self-diagnosed as "High functioning CPTSD"... I was written off by teachers and professors as "highly intelligent, but unfocused," my parents literally had a nickname for me "Snow-Flake" and had written me off as a "brilliant idiot" - or just a flake. I hid the shame for years of being a flake, and eventually just assumed the identity they had labeled me with.
I just believed I was a flake, and that's why I was abused, because I was too 'flakey' to stop it. In spite of this I remained generally happy in public, and worked my a$$ off desperately trying to take on massively ambitious goals to secretly prove I wasn't an idiot, or damaged goods, and for someone to finally take me seriously.
I went to architecture school- was top of my class, and in 5th year nearly failed out, Went for my masters degree- again top of my class, except I didn't even show up for my final exams, but was primed and ready with an excuse, and was able to negotiate a retake. I sat for my real estate exam and never bothered to study. I was the first in the room to finish the test, assuming I had failed and was ready to give up, and was shocked that I has passed- in fact I assumed they made a mistake.
I had started 3 businesses by the time I was 33, and drove all of them into the ground. I easily found new jobs and aced the interviews, but then would fail to complete projects, I would quit when the pressure would amp up and run away. My relationships were crap. I had no idea what I wanted, and would cycle through boys like crazy. I desperately wanted a sense of control and a sense of security, so I would pick losers boyfriends and got a rush out of dumping them, but would wonder why my knight in shining armor hasn't come to rescue me and take me away on his glistening yacht! I was living in a glazed over world, barely treading water, living one paycheck to another. I would put on a happy face and be the life of the party, and when I ran out of anecdotes, I would sneak out the back door and go home by myself and sit in the bathtub with a pizza and cry.
I had no idea what I wanted or how I even felt- I was numb, and I was always chasing some big hollow dream.
When I was 35 I moved back to California and was determined to make it this time. I met a man, and for the first time in years I felt something. I had finally broken my income cap and got a job doubling my salary. I had moved into my own place for the first time in my life. I thought I had it all figured out. Except that I blew it at my awesome new job, by staying up all night because of the boy- either we were off partying and having fun, or arguing and screaming in each others faces, or worse- I would sit up all night knowing he was cheating on me-and I would spy on his place- just waiting to catch him- so I would have proof, and then with proof I knew I could leave him. My self worth was in the toilet.
Eventually, I came to my senses, or so I thought. I broke up with the A$$-Hat. It was too late. I had already lost my job and was struggling to pay rent. I was scared to call my dad- because I could hear the disappointment in his voice at the word "hello." The day I was fired I was told they really liked me, but that they believed I was in the wrong position because I seemed to not be happy with my job, and that it was obvious I had some other things in my life that needed attention. I was upset, and spent another evening in the bathtub self loathing with a pizza and a week neurotically cleaning my house, purging everything in my closets and selling everything that wasn't bolted down!
I bounced back quickly- as I always had. And I picked up the pieces and started again; serial- dating and working $#!T jobs, and starting another side hustle business. On paper I looked great- on the inside I was miserable, and guess who I kept running back to every time he called. Yup you guessed it- the A$$-Hat. He was a narcissist, and was excellent at gas-lighting, and he was familiar, and at least I felt something- after all I had grown up with a sociopathic parent and narcistic siblings my whole life and didn't know it.
Turns out, that was the biggest mistake of my life. 2 days before my 37 birthday, he unleashed his true self on me. I was kidnapped, beaten and raped repeated over the course of 4 days. He took a knife to my throat and tried to kill me. I escaped as the knife pierced into my throat.
I began to experience all of my symptoms of trauma all over again- except amplified. I felt like I was losing my mind. I couldn't trust anyone, not even my own family ( not even the mentally stable ones). I had physical issues that I spent a year in physical therapy for. Some were obvious broken bones and nerve damage; but then I began to experience physical pain that seemed unexplainable- and I started to think the Dr.s didn't believe me.
It wasn't until I was in therapy - finally with a Trauma -informed therapist - that my life long struggles and mis-placed ambitions, were finally understood. She helped me work through my trauma and encouraged me to learn as much as I could about the ripple effect of trauma. I consider myself lucky to have had a therapist that understood me, and the truth about childhood trauma, and how I carried that with me my whole life. I worked my butt off for 2 and a half years and got very real with myself. I have researched and read every book and article I could get my hands on about trauma, neuroscience and epigenetics, and I am proud to say that I have found myself. My true self, with nothing to hide, and my PTSD and all of the crap that came with it is gone!
I am currently pursuing my PhD in Trauma and Greif Psychology, and a Certificate in Neuroscience. My goal is help other women dissolve the effects of trauma and alleviate their PTSD and anxiety with my work. I want you all to know that their is hope, and your future can be bright! It made all the difference when I had someone in my corner who believed in me, and I believe in you!