I want to talk about the terror attack from the beginning.
I have been asked questions about it, and talking about the bits and bobs has put it all disjointed in my mind again, so I want to type out what happened, beginning to end, and hopefully that will put things straight in my mind again. If you are likely to find it triggering, don't read on.
I went on my normal lunch break. I took it at 2 because I liked to have shorter afternoons.
I walked out of my office and over Hungerford Bridge towards the Southbank Centre.
I turned right towards the London Eye, and there was loads of school children getting in my way.
I saw Shrek's Adventure attraction and watched a promo video of it, thinking it looked like a terrible attraction.
I walked onto the bridge and saw a car go past me and mount the pavement. Hitting several people like a bowling ball hitting pins. I didn't know what was going on. I was really confused.
I froze for a few moments as the chaos unfolded. I turned to walk away. Still really confused.
As I was walking away I heard a really loud bang. I thought it was a bomb. It turned out it was the guy being shot by the police.
I ran.
Then I called my mum as police cars started speeding past me. Before long there were helicopters flying overheard, and it had reached the news.
My legs felt like jelly.
I walked back across Hungerford Bridge and could see further chaos unfolding when I looked over to Westminster.
I stayed on the phone to my mum until I got to Embankment Garden, near my office. I hung up and went back into work.
I told my colleagues what I had just seen, and they all started to watch the news on their computers.
I had a cup of tea and continued work. Trying to avoid hearing my colleagues talking about the events.
The following day I walked across the bridge, trying not to let what happened bother me.
I carried on working as normal for a few days - maybe a week or so.
Then one night I couldn't sleep. I was suddenly experiencing flashbacks. I tried watching Gilmore Girls to take my mind off it. Feel good happy television.
It reached about 2am, and I suddenly realised, through watching the show that I really, really needed my mum. She lived in Leicester. I called her at 2am, in floods of tears. She suggested trying to get some sleep, but then going back to Leicester the next day. I packed my bag and booked myself on to the earliest train.
I spent around a week at home, then the Sunday came around, the day before I was due back.
I had a complete meltdown. I sat on my stairs and cried. A lot.
I spent another few days at home before taking the leap and going back to London.
As soon as I was back, I booked a doctors appointment. And signed up for counselling. I didn’t particularly like my counsellor. He seemed to not want to talk about the attack, instead focusing on my childhood etc.
This was just whilst I was on the waiting list for CBT. Once I had my CBT I felt loads better. I stayed better for years. Until I was training for my current role. They showed a picture of a terror attack (which sort of made sense in context). It gave me a big flashback. I went outside the room and grounded myself.
I soon forgot about it, and carried on as normal. Carrying the PTSD with me, but not letting it hold me back.
Until the past few weeks. People at work are finding out and talking about the attack. Asking me questions. Fireworks and busy rooms are throwing me into flashbacks. I am not ok.
I have started seeing a different counsellor who seems to understand me. But the PTSD, flashbacks and survivors guilt are all wearing me down. I hope it stops soon.
I have been asked questions about it, and talking about the bits and bobs has put it all disjointed in my mind again, so I want to type out what happened, beginning to end, and hopefully that will put things straight in my mind again. If you are likely to find it triggering, don't read on.
I went on my normal lunch break. I took it at 2 because I liked to have shorter afternoons.
I walked out of my office and over Hungerford Bridge towards the Southbank Centre.
I turned right towards the London Eye, and there was loads of school children getting in my way.
I saw Shrek's Adventure attraction and watched a promo video of it, thinking it looked like a terrible attraction.
I walked onto the bridge and saw a car go past me and mount the pavement. Hitting several people like a bowling ball hitting pins. I didn't know what was going on. I was really confused.
I froze for a few moments as the chaos unfolded. I turned to walk away. Still really confused.
As I was walking away I heard a really loud bang. I thought it was a bomb. It turned out it was the guy being shot by the police.
I ran.
Then I called my mum as police cars started speeding past me. Before long there were helicopters flying overheard, and it had reached the news.
My legs felt like jelly.
I walked back across Hungerford Bridge and could see further chaos unfolding when I looked over to Westminster.
I stayed on the phone to my mum until I got to Embankment Garden, near my office. I hung up and went back into work.
I told my colleagues what I had just seen, and they all started to watch the news on their computers.
I had a cup of tea and continued work. Trying to avoid hearing my colleagues talking about the events.
The following day I walked across the bridge, trying not to let what happened bother me.
I carried on working as normal for a few days - maybe a week or so.
Then one night I couldn't sleep. I was suddenly experiencing flashbacks. I tried watching Gilmore Girls to take my mind off it. Feel good happy television.
It reached about 2am, and I suddenly realised, through watching the show that I really, really needed my mum. She lived in Leicester. I called her at 2am, in floods of tears. She suggested trying to get some sleep, but then going back to Leicester the next day. I packed my bag and booked myself on to the earliest train.
I spent around a week at home, then the Sunday came around, the day before I was due back.
I had a complete meltdown. I sat on my stairs and cried. A lot.
I spent another few days at home before taking the leap and going back to London.
As soon as I was back, I booked a doctors appointment. And signed up for counselling. I didn’t particularly like my counsellor. He seemed to not want to talk about the attack, instead focusing on my childhood etc.
This was just whilst I was on the waiting list for CBT. Once I had my CBT I felt loads better. I stayed better for years. Until I was training for my current role. They showed a picture of a terror attack (which sort of made sense in context). It gave me a big flashback. I went outside the room and grounded myself.
I soon forgot about it, and carried on as normal. Carrying the PTSD with me, but not letting it hold me back.
Until the past few weeks. People at work are finding out and talking about the attack. Asking me questions. Fireworks and busy rooms are throwing me into flashbacks. I am not ok.
I have started seeing a different counsellor who seems to understand me. But the PTSD, flashbacks and survivors guilt are all wearing me down. I hope it stops soon.
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