my thoughts about my trauma...are all over the place, suddenly changing back and forth, i think im going insane

stranger2myself!

Policy Enforcement
i feel like im going insane. one minute ill be talking about how i feel about my ex boyfriend, and i say stuff like "im so f*cked up, im basically useless and a waste of space on earth, he should have just blasted my f***ing head off with his pistol or beat me to death, hes a pussy for not putting me in my grave where i belong. my sister thinks i deserve it anyway since i didnt break up with him sooner when she told me to".and than BAM ... my mindset will suddenly change, and ill say things like "he sure did a number on me, and ripped my heart and soul to pieces (when he beat and abused me), but im done letting it affect me, its in the past, he is nothing to me, i dont need anyone, ill learn to enjoy life in isolation, and that is absolutely fine with me, i am all alone in this world, and i am totally cool with that. no mf***er can ever bring me down if i just stay the hell away from everyone"and than a minute later ill be like "this world is pointless, and pathetic, and every human being in it is an abuser, why does God allow the screwed up world to even go on as f*cked up as it is" and than its back to "i will NEVER let ANYONE ever bring me down. i will stand stong and refuse to give up.. people have brought me to hell and back a thousand times, and beat my soul up, busted it all to ****. but they aint going to win! ill keep going and ill stand strong!"
and when i say all these things... thats how i feel at the time... so its kinda scary and confusing that it changes so quickly. i can say all this within 10 minutes, thats how intense my mood swings are getting and how crazy my head feels. what is going on??
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
I hear what you're saying and I do my own version of it too. It's so frustrating and confusing and unsettling and it makes me feel like I have no control emotionally and I'm unraveling.
My T says it is "script backlash". She says it is our old scripts or narratives (we deserve this) conflicting with our new scripts/narratives (we didn't deserve this) and we move between them on our journey to moving away from the old script/narrative.
So whilst it feels awful awful awful. It's part of the painful road to recovery?

Sending you lots of healing vibes.
It's tough all this, but know you are valuable and deserve love and compassion. And be kind to yourself.
 
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