BlueWeepingRose
Confident
I'm getting a therapist soon, I'm relieved about this. I told my Mom about it for the longest time and she sort of downplayed everything. Does anyone else feel more alone when they're around family? I feel misunderstood around my family due to my abuse. They all want me to simply get over it, yet they don't know my struggles and nightmares I have. There are times where I want to talk about what happened to me, but I hold myself back because I don't want to burden them with my issues. When PTSD got bad, my Mom suggested I live in a group home for a while, because I was very angry and didn't feel loved by them. It wasn't me being paranoid, I simply didn't fit in with my family. I've always felt alone, even when I was younger. Pretty much supported myself and did my own research on PTSD. My path was all done by me. I never got support all that much from my family. Many people told me that I can't expect my family to always support me, and I don't always lean on them, but they never once was there for me, this is the truth. When I cried and felt alone, I did things on my own to feel better. It lead me to never speaking to my family about what was troubling me, I pretty much kept everything to myself. Felt like a black sheep growing up and when we had social gatherings and family came over to visit, I dreaded it. My Mom would tell me to just "be normal" and not to say anything to anyone. This lead to my self-esteem issues down the road. When Family came over, I always acted as if I was okay and put on a brave face, when inside I felt so much pain. Once everyone left, I would cry alone in my bedroom. This is all coming up now because it keeps coming to me and memories will come to me randomly about how my family never supported me. I'd always smile and say I was "Fine" but in reality, I wasn't and knew it. I did this pretty much growing up. When I finally told her things that upset me, she realizes now how much damage it did. I was sexually abused by my Father and I felt alone all the time. She's now getting me therapy because I told her I simply can't go on like this anymore. I'm tired of the pain I feel inside and crying all the time. I just need help and to be able to talk about it finally. I'm tired of keeping it all in, there's only so much a person can take, before they break. So glad I was able to finally tell her and not keep it inside. She realized how depressed I've gotten and I told her the reason why. It makes me feel better to finally speak up for myself and tell her how I always felt. It was very hard for me to do, but I couldn't handle it anymore. I hope there's someone else out there that can relate with me and understand how I feel.
