My Thoughts

[stjohn1633]

So sad. Why? It's not..... I don't know how to live.
I don't want to think my thoughts. I tried always to be a good person. I have never drank or smoked or done drugs. I don't curse. I saved sex for marriage. It doesn't matter. I went to college. I graduated with a 3.9 GPA. I was a stay at home mom. I tried so hard to be a good mom. Oh god what a failure I am. I'm hit where it hurts me. So deep. So hard. The pain is deep deep down inside. I do feel betrayed. But I feel guilty for feeling betrayed. What if I deserve this. I feel so weak tonight. I feel so alone tonight. I feel so ashamed tonight. Why doesn't He help me? Why didn't He protect us? I'm sorry, God. I'm sorry, for not understanding life. I'm sorry for blaming you.

 

[Flossy]

That's exactly how I feel. I am so sorry for you. Why do you feel a failure as a mum?

I don't ask God for anything, so I can't help you with that.

You write beautifully, if that is any miniscule comfort in your suffering.

I think you know when you have a good heart, and you do know that. So how could you possibly deserve what has hurt you so deeply. There are a lot of personality disorders in this strange world and they make people behave in strange ways that hurt good and sensitive people.

It does not mean they were right to do so. They may have distorted thinking caused by a personality disorder that makes them take actions that are cruel. People like that are not even aware of the pain they cause because their intent is to ease or stop their own pain. What I mean is, it is not personal, they would do it again the same way, even if you were perfect. It was not caused by how you are, it was caused by how they think. In my experience.

 

[stjohn1633]

That's exactly how I feel. I am so sorry for you. Why do you feel a failure as a mum?

I don't ask God f...

Thank you so much for your understanding reply! Last night, I just let my feelings take over for a while. I tried to just write down my exact thoughts as I was thinking them.

No one that loves me has hurt me, but I can understand why you might think that from reading my post.

Four months ago, we had a house fire and our baby was burned 49%. She has made an amazing recovery and, in fact, they just told us this morning that she might get to go home from the hospital in 2 weeks.

I have a very personal relationship with God and that is why I'm having the feelings of betrayal, although I know that God does not insulate us from having hardships and heartaches, but my circumstances are just so difficult for me to understand.

 

[Flossy]

I guess for me, I dont think God makes these things happen and I dont think he can stop them happening, no matter how much he loves us and understands us.
I had a son with cystic fibrosis. He was the light of my life. I worked for 20 years and believed I would save him. He died at the age of 20 from a massive haemorrhage from his lungs while sitting on the bathroom floor.
That was 14 years ago now.
You are grieving the loss of the belief that life is safe and just. You will move past that stage. I promise. It is real grief and it is shocking. Give yourself time, cry when you want to, ask yourself if you are doing all you can possibly do, ask yourself if you always have the best intentions as a mum and then whatever happens you will always know it is meant to be and not something that was caused by punishment or lack of care on your part.
You wont know it yet and I wish it could be taken away, but what you have experienced will make you mature in a way that means you grow as a more caring, empathetic and understanding woman to others. You have experienced such pain and you care.
Dont punish yourself and dont think you have been let down or punished, it is not true. It is false thinking.
I may not hit the mark of what you need, but i hope what I have written gives you something.
PS The grieving process in it's strongest stage takes around two years, so be gentle on yourself for at least that time and life will feel normal again. It does for me now, anyway.

 

[stjohn1633]

Thank you so much for your response! As a mom, I guess we feel like we should protect our kids from everything, but we can't. Maybe God feels the same as I do.... Maybe He's wishing I didn't have to suffer like this but somehow knowing that it must happen. My heart breaks for you losing your baby. I know that in those few minutes after I got my baby out of the house and she wasn't breathing were the worst, most desperate moments of my life. Life will never be the same. She will always have scars. Even her sweet face is scared. But I am determined to give her every opportunity to live a normal life. I don't want to treat her differently and I don't want her to ever be ashamed of her body. I know this is for a reason. I will get around to typing my whole story sometime. I still believe that God is all-powerful, but He obviously has plans and ways that I don't understand. I absolutely do not believe that He caused this to happen, but I also believe that He didn't prevent it from happening. I am questioning other beliefs I have held... Esp beliefs of humans being burned in eternal fire. I never could think of this before, but now, I just can't at all. I also am feeling more relaxed with my relationship with God, knowing that punishment and sin do not always go hand in hand. I wish I could explain better my thoughts, but they are pretty jumbled, I guess. I guess what I mean is, I've lost my superstitious feelings that if I don't pray, something bad might happen. I still pray, but not with that same fear that I felt before. Thanks again for reaching out to me.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

My heart goes out to you deeply.

I happen to believe in God and that he loves me no matter what. God has given people free will in my opinon and bad things happen to good people for no other reason than evil in the world. This is what i believe now.

when my both of my children had been molested I felt like such a failure to not protect them from that horror.

I had many false beliefs about God and many, many distorted illusions that were shattered.

I went through so many years in deep pain and anguish and got my children the best therapist I could find for the. I shut down my dads day care with the help of the Ombudsman program and was completely terrified but i had to see justice done for my daughter and the man who molested my son went to jail.

I almost killed myself feeling like such a failure as a mom that I could not protect and shield them from bad things happening one huge illusion i had.

I tell you this to encourage you that you are not a failure and I have a stronger and more real faith than I did back then. I do not go to church nor do I call myself a Christian, I call myself a believer and I fully believe that God does eventually bring good out of the bad but it may take many years for this to happen. I sure hope that what I said helped and encouraged you. You are not a failure. Hugs.

 

[The Albatross]

My sincere condolences and prayers for your family and child. I have been doing some extraneous reading from a holocaust survivor. I hope this helps you:


“Why do you pray?" he asked me, after a moment.

Why did I pray? A strange question. Why did I live? Why did I breathe?

"I don't know why," I said, even more disturbed and ill at ease. "I don't know why."

After that day I saw him often. He explained to me with great insistence that every question possessed a power that did not lie in the answer. "Man raises himself toward God by the questions he asks Him," he was fond of repeating. "That is the true dialogue. Man questions God and God answers. But we don't understand His answers. We can't understand them. Because they come from the depths of the soul, and they stay there until death. You will find the true answers, Eliezer, only within yourself!"

"And why do you pray, Moshe?" I asked him. "I pray to the God within me that He will give me the strength to ask Him the right questions.” ~ Elie Wiesel, Night


"The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.” ~ Elie Wiesel

“I have learned two lessons in my life: first, there are no sufficient literary, psychological, or historical answers to human tragedy, only moral ones. Second, just as despair can come to one another only from other human beings, hope, too, can be given to one only by other human beings.” ~ Elie Wiesel

 

[The Albatross]

Adversity comes to all believers or not... remember Job. In Psalms, David has a prescription for turning his fears back toward his God, his character, attributes, and breaks out into song and praise. You have not professed your faith, but If you are not Christian, please pardon me. Psalms 55-57... and also "Why So downcast O my soul?" (Psalm 43)... "
"Send me your light and your faithful care,

let them lead me;

let them bring me to your holy mountain,

to the place where you dwell.

Then I will go to the altar of God,

to God, my joy and my delight.

I will praise you with the lyre,

O God, my God.

Why, my soul, are you downcast?"

Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God,

for I will yet praise him,

my Savior and my God."

Great blessings from God, you child has survived and is having an amazing recovery! :hug: Prayers for you and your family.

 

[stjohn1633]

Aahhhggg, panic attack.

Don't I have enough to worry about?

It's so ridiculous. So stupid.

Why do I get these?

This one was triggered by me finding a wire from a grill cleaner in my chicken sandwich from the cafeteria. Now I'm afraid that a swallowed a wire. It's so stupid because I didn't feel a wire in my mouth and I don't feel any pain in my throat, but every thing that I feel, I overanalyze and make myself think that I'm in danger.

Calm. Peace. Relax. Breathe. In. Out.

I'm in a hospital already. If I need help, I will get it. Don't worry so much.

 

[stjohn1633]

Feeling better.

Thank you albatross and gizmo for your comments.

I know I am blessed in so many ways.

It can be so easy for me to focus on the negative. If I think, I am grateful that my baby survived, I then think, but why did she have to get burned in the first place? How is this a blessing? You see? But I must look on the positive. I cannot live in fear and bitterness! I don't want to live the way!

I am glad that I am able to pump milk for my baby. It is one thing that I can do for her, the only thing that only I can do for her.

I am glad that she is such a happy and playful baby. It doesn't make sense how much she smiles and kicks and bounces. So happy. So sweet.

 

[Tinyflame]

I am glad that she is such a happy and playful baby. It doesn't make sense how much she smiles and kicks and bounces. So happy. So sweet.

Yes it does, it's because she feels loved, & that's thanks to you. :)

:hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think that you are perfectly normal for what you have gone through. You are a good mom and I know that your baby will grow up with a lot of love and self confidence to overcome lifes adversities. You will too. You are very strong.

I think that you are grieving which is normal for what you are experiencing right now. I am so happy that your baby survived.