Sufferer My whole life - Do other people go through every day holding back tears because of things they saw or experienced as a child?

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Hi everyone, I am 22 years old and have been living with PTSD since I was 12. It has been 10 years since I saw my brother get run over by a boat and be cut in half. I tell myself that i am mostly fine but that is not true, Its incredible how little about my life i remember other than this incident.

I see the moment it happened in my head on a daily basis as if it were a gif. he gets run over and then the boat reverses and it happens again. literally I just sit down and watch this happen over and over and over again. I am not asking for sympathy because this is something I need to deal w on my own, if i let someone else help me I will dependent on them forever which is why I only allow myself to know how I am feeling or thinking.

I dont tell my partners or spouses for months bc I dont want them to get a predetermined idea of me, I wait until I can trust them to tell them. This truly changes my life in ways I could never even have imagined. If youre reading this and youre a young person dealing with PTSD please find help and deal with it bc it lasts forever.

I wonder do other people go through everyday holding back tears because of things they saw as a child? bc of their experiences as a child? my adult life is truly miserable bc of this and I wonder if I am alone.
 

OakTree123

New Here
I'm so sorry that you witnessed something so completely Earth-shattering at such a young age. I completely understand the feelings of misery in adulthood. It can feel like the effects of trauma will never lessen and that's an incredibly difficult feeling to sit with. This is my first time ever reaching out on a site like this...but I hope that both of us can find some solace in sharing our difficulties with other people who are experiencing similar feelings. It can really help to know we aren't alone. And you most certainly are not alone. I am 20 and I have PTSD due to childhood abuse but I have only just begun to confront this because I repressed everything for the entirety of my childhood. Every day, I feel like I'm walking around holding back tears or anger or fear because of what I went through. I really hope that you can connect with some people who are also feeling how you are so you can discover that you are not alone.
 

Justmehere

Moderator
What you are experiencing could be something called an intrusive memory. It's a common symptom of PTSD, along with the emotional dysregulation and crying.
If youre reading this and youre a young person dealing with PTSD please find help and deal with it bc it lasts forever.
Studies have shown the vast majority of people with PTSD get better. Getting treatment can help significantly. Are you working with a therapist?
I am not asking for sympathy because this is something I need to deal w on my own, if i let someone else help me I will dependent on them forever which is why I only allow myself to know how I am feeling or thinking.
Isolating yourself from connection may be keeping you stuck. It is possible to learn how to lean on others for support, but not become dependent in an unhealthy way.
wonder do other people go through everyday holding back tears because of things they saw as a child? bc of their experiences as a child? my adult life is truly miserable bc of this and I wonder if I am alone.
You are not at all alone.
 
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