My whole life/routines are dysregulated and I'm struggling

I don't know how this started to be honest. It's just been one thing after another for a long time.
I was struggling with loss (people, pets, natural disasters, it's hard to keep it straight anymore). That slowly disintegrated my good routines for everything. Oh, I also had some time without work and now navigating both searching for work and side jobs to stay afloat. Partly my fault.

That translated in my great stable systems falling apart:
-no money for therapy and I stopped trying to look for free options
-may have found a free option but now that I'm more dysregulated I forget my languages and deffer to what feels safe, which is English
-used to fall asleep at 10, 11, get up at 7:15, 8:30 on a bad day and sleep (with meds) desently. Now I can't fall asleep until 3am and wake at 10:30am exhausted and shaking nauseous from another vivid nightmare with all my sheets off and it's harder every night
-struggling with money, leading to snacking bad foods. Also leading to moments when I get money and exhausted of the process don't budget, buy whatever foods feel good(that I can't afford) and leading to another period of having almost no food, leading to more junk food when anxious and off we go in circles.
-because all this was exhausted, started doing less social stuff, and almost no group stuff... still saw/talked to closest friends, but didn't do anything in group and didn't see or chat much with some other friends, blaming being busy. Now I have gained weight, and lost time and I feel ashamed to write them for seeing one on one and anxious of being social(except in dance class but there I can focus on music and other things- but we had Easter break so that is hard too)
-I used to do plenty regular working out- usually I would walk and at home have a plan with cardio and strength training most days, 1 day off and then ballet. Even some yoga in mornings in my living room to wake up better... stopped that slowly less and less until I only did ballet on weekends and ankle exercises. I feel the difference both in weight, anxiety and energy-but I feel anxious and ashamed to begin
-looking for work scares me. On and offline and working now (from home) is so up and down, so much for my good discipline and schedule.
-having gained weight and not being able to afford clother but seasons changing... doesn't help with how I feel about myself.... but have to stick it out until I get stable (mentally and financially
-writing was my solace but it's been so dark lately. I stopped sleeping, eating, even dishes or showering are hard, let alone things like face cleaning routines or doing my nails or my home being organised...

Here are some ideas:
-I finally got 1 client back, ask for early payment(end of this week) if I can do as much work as we usually invoice)
-Found an app with video free consultation with therapist, use that as a start
-find some crisis chats if talking isn't an option yet, and put priority to schedule regular appointment once I get paid
-budget food before I get paid and find cheap nutricious meal ideas, especially in terms of snacks so I don't eat junk or overspend on healthy foods
-try to get in better rhytm - working out a bit daily at least, also walks with audio book
-slowly buying some clothes second hand or cheap to feel comfortable
-make a plan to resume social activities gradually, break in babysteps
-instead of journaling the present, use some of the self love, self-compassion or other prompts to remember that I'm more than the current me
-I made weekly plan in my bujo(haven't even open it in weeks), and made habit tracker, including things like meditation and shower
-start writing the blog I've been talking about for years, not to earn anything but for creative outlet

So yeah... I have some ideas for a lot of the things... I think the biggest struggle is:
-What do I do about sleep? So many years, I've been on an off stable in sleep at least because of the meds, now even with them it's awful
-What do I do about the shame of how I look(weight gain, feels horrible as a dancer and a person), and the shame that I have somehow 'done all this to myself/should have resolved
things before it got to this point?) I know it doesn't help but I can't even look at myself in the mirror.
-What else could I do in any of those areas? Seems like all my stable routines fell apart, and when one falls it's ok to push to get it on track, but I've forgotten how to manage when all my systems are in dysaray...
 
I can relate to this so much (unfortunately)

To try and escape the guilt/ shame/ self-blame cycle a bit, can you try that trick of trying to see it all as if it had happened to a friend? We're usually a thousand times harsher on ourselves than on our friends. What advice would you give a good friend who was in the same situation?
 
Hey, have you heard of Kate Northrup? She does some really great work around women and money and emotions and also covers the topic of debt. I'm signed up to her newsletter and have her book. Her mum is that really famous obgyn who wrote wonderful books about women and their bodies and healing. Anyway, Kate Northrup might be a much needed positive, loving input on the topic of finances... I just had her newsletter in my email inbox and thought of you...
 
I don't know how this started to be honest. It's just been one thing after another for a long time.
I was struggling with loss (people, pets, natural disasters, it's hard to keep it straight anymore). That slowly disintegrated my good routines for everything. Oh, I also had some time without work and now navigating both searching for work and side jobs to stay afloat. Partly my fault.
Thank you so much for posting your truth here. I feel that I've reached a similar point--lots of little and big ptsd triggers have had a cascading effect leading to dysregulation, overwhelm, hopelessness and shame. And my sleep has been terrible! I finally reached out to my sponsor yesterday and, even though I couldn't articulate the struggle, I was able to at least unload some of the bad energy out of my psyche by just stream of consciousness share. Only later, after doing prayer and meditation-- just focused on my breathing and letting thoughts come and go --was I able to see more clearly, many of the things that have been eating at me. Like gremlins multiplying! I have shut down so many of what should have been action- oriented responses out of just feeling helpless re a relationship ending. It all started with that. A relationship struggle--the root of all my obsession! Helped so much to attend a zoom mtg last night.

Like you, I have identified some key pro-active steps to take. My sponsor wisely suggested: keep it simple! I tend to want to do everything all at once.

Anyway...I hope you can be gentle with yourself and know that you are good and loved even in a challenging time.

K
 
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