My world is Crashing in on me; Husband, Health, Happiness. Can I survive?

sonnet

Learning
I feel crazy. I know my health is bad. Yes, I am not completely right in the head. I even fell (again) out of bed at 2am last night running away...nuff said. Fell on my knee replacement and other bad knee. Been nearly 5 months after knee replacement and still have PT twice a week. I have knots all up and down both my legs especially in my thighs. They won't let me bend my knee and make my knee weak. They hurt so really bad. All day, keep me up at night. And we use a foam roller also over them but there are just so many and they are so tight. The PT rubs a knot to the center where it is most painful and presses down hard. Supposedly the muscles will loosen up and begin to straighten out. It is working but hurts like a major MF. In the mean time am also getting iron infusions once a week. 8 weeks, I am on week 6. Also going to start water aerobics for my knee. I have got to make it unpainful and not so darn stiff.

Okay and now damn... Guess who isn't there for me in all this???? You guessed it... My husband. Two weeks after the surgery he was going to leave me at home alone.. 6 to 7. My GF was upset and took off work two days and came sat with me. He lost 4 fingers and I went to St louis with him. They saved one. and was able to return it back. I stayed there 10 days (put leeches on him). my daughters paid for a hotel that attached to the hospital. I cared for him and when he came home I dressed his wounds. It was constant things like this. I have a iron stove in the corner on tiles, Brand new. 6 years old. All pipes, Has to go through the roof though. He has promised me every year since my daughter bought it for us (me) that he will get it hooked up. (HE IS A MASTER CARPENTER) i told him last year, that this year we would freeze our asses off and that I would be upset if I couldn't stand in front of the stove to keep warm. Well bang, we did freeze! Well the point being...I could go on and on and on about promises he breaks to me,,,,and his children...and promises he keeps to his sister and family. Time he spends on his family, saying things like "I CAN'T LET ZACK DOWN" so I ask him them who the f*ck can you let down then? Okay I am going to cool off. I hurt too much. Good night.
 

sonnet

Learning
Morning now. My senses tingle, I am all nerves. So much more. He has stopped touching and kissing me. i ask but nothing. He says he loves me more than anything, but I feel so undesired. And when I ask him he gets mad and does this thing like...Now that you have asked me you are going to have to wait... I'll do it when I do it... But that is unsaid, that is just his attitude. I cannot ask/tell/request. And I cannot understand why. All I want is some kiss.. real kiss, not peck. a long gaze. We have been together as friends then lovers and marriage since 77. Maybe I became the old shoe to him?? At least once a month or more at coffee or whatever I will sit and look at him and tell him when I look into his eyes I fall in love all over again. I do not get anything like that at all. I just have not felt anything like his desire, or even deep love, since my diagnosis. so I have to think he has a problem with me. He denies. Conundrum.

Just got husband off to work. Accidently bumped him and told him I was sorry if I hurt him (for the bumping), and he said I think you enjoy hurting me. I just can't win. He just does not see that I have such low self-esteem anyway...and what he says just cuts me to the core. I talked to the children yesterday and they said they wanted to help. I told them, that I need them to stand up to their father and tell him to do right by me.. by us all. Tell him he hurts them when he does, Don't brush it away and pretend like it didn't happen. And for them to tell him when he is doing me ME wrong. They see it. I am so tired of being the only voice. He says I am brutely honest. I have gotten to be that way because I have been so hurt and become so insignificant that I had to find my voice to stay half sane. My thought as I laid down last night was that maybe I just wouldn't wake up today. That didn't scare me. And I know it should. Sometimes I think well maybe he won't make it home.

I told him that when I fell out of bed, that you know I was running again. He was surprised (and I don't know why- THAT us the ONLY reason i have ever rolled out of my bed!) So many times I had rolled off my bed running away from terrors and he knows that. but now so self center, he thinks I am running away from HIM. And asked if so? I never know... just trying to get away from something bad. But do not think of it as the terror. Maybe it was , I don't know?
I have Counselor appointment tomorrow morning. I hate having to come here to put this down...I really do. But it is so tight in my chest and has to come out to a unbias community. just be heard. Just say it outload. I told my Counselor that I am scared. I am,
 

enough

MyPTSD Pro
the post title reminded me of a recent session I can share with you-

I was describing my life as: family, work, society and saying that at times it seemed that all of the pieces of my pie were tasting like shit. My T, ever the alert and ready to pounce on negativity fallacious arguments, had me repeat the names of the pieces of my pie. Family.....Work....Society. I knew he had a point to this line of questioning-"what's missing?" OK, the only way to soften this punch I am leaning into is to get there first- "self" I said half embarrassed.

you can't do anything for anything if you don't care for self. My advice is to stop telling everyone on the internet all about how justified your anger is and try to find some things that you like for yourself. You have a girlfriend willing to come stay with you when in need, thats a start. Just my$.02.
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
I think it's easy to be disrespectful, easy to stop admiring and saying and remembering what you love, easy to take things for granted, easy to draw conclusions based on the stories you're telling yourself. He lost 4 fingers, even if he kept one (unlikely the same mobility or motion, likely hurts or numb much of the time)- that is now a chronic condition, las will be your knees, or ptsd, to some degree, as will other things with injury, illness and age. I like what @enough said: try to count one blessing- one of which is you have each other, and something brought you together and kept you there.

Good luck, and hope you will feel better soon.

(ETA, not being critical- I can be the worst offender. )
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
Oops, sorry-missed the edit, I just mean, I find, or realize, if I focus on the chronic (for pain and joints I cannot, or cannot get work done), or the past and what is so often on-going (the nightmares, the symptomology), or the future (fear caused from the past), I will hyperfocus on what is negative and am only struggling to survive at best. Even if the stories you tell yourself are true (they won't all likely be, at the very least, but will seem so), it is a hyperfocus on something negative. To be able to focus on even one positive, is really so much better for yourself and quality of the day. And as far as speaking back to your H, you can't control your children, but as adults it has to be up to them (or not). But meantime, maybe you can try to give him or others the most generous explanation for why he does or doesn't do something, and look for things he does 'right'. There is a negative bias for example we as 'humans' all are inclined to (can't think of the name), when we do or don't do something, we are more kind to ourselves in our explanation (I am in pain, I am tired), but for others we are not (they don't care, they are lazy, etc), for example, or in contrast.

Best wishes to you!
 

Justmehere

Moderator
I have Counselor appointment tomorrow morning. I hate having to come here to put this down...I really do. But it is so tight in my chest and has to come out to a unbias community. just be heard. Just say it outload. I told my Counselor that I am scared. I am,
I'm glad you shared. I hope you find relief from the pain soon.
 

sonnet

Learning
the post title reminded me of a recent session I can share with you-

I was describing my life as: family, work, society and saying that at times it seemed that all of the pieces of my pie were tasting like shit. My T, ever the alert and ready to pounce on negativity fallacious arguments, had me repeat the names of the pieces of my pie. Family.....Work....Society. I knew he had a point to this line of questioning-"what's missing?" OK, the only way to soften this punch I am leaning into is to get there first- "self" I said half embarrassed.

you can't do anything for anything if you don't care for self. My advice is to stop telling everyone on the internet all about how justified your anger is and try to find some things that you like for yourself. You have a girlfriend willing to come stay with you when in need, thats a start. Just my$.02.
I've been thinking enough...and although I say that hits home, your .02 is just ... sucky. You think that I have a gift horse I look in the mouth? That maybe just caring more about and loving myself will be all it takes? And telling me to STOP telling everyone on the internet how justified my anger is,......well ok hun YOU are so mistaken there too. You must be young and dumb.. How rude. What is this site for?

See, I have every right to speak my pain without being chastised by you and your .02. I do deserve more from a man who had promised to be much more than a friend to me. And also see that I DO care for myself. I go to my appointments. Physical Therapy. See my Counselor. Water Aerobics. Paint. Read some. Train my dog. Send video messages to grandbabies every morning. Eat a balanced breakfast every day. Take my pills as scheduled. But I do have a valid right to speak of my man who is just unaware of who or what I am about.

Sorry @enough but I think you are mistaken. I care so much for myself that I can speak up and tell him what I think and how it hurts me, yell at him, whine to him, what the F it takes to get his attention to see me. I can not and should not have to rely on a friend or anyone else BUT him to take care of me, (and as far as that goes...I do NOT have a friend who can come any time I need). And as for myself...I do everything -EVERYTHING to take care of myself. And where I cannot. my daughters usually step in. From him I only ask for a commitment to the marriage we have entered. Love and attention, care and understanding, My pain and anger is fully justified in my opinion. Who are you to question that? You have not walked in my shoes. So I just want to say enough that I believe your .02 was mean and harsh... unconcerned and inconsiderate.
 
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sonnet

Learning
And OMG what makes people think I am stupid and do not talk to him sensibly and openly and tell him what i want and need. I do that. Everyday. HE us the insensitive person. It is NOT me. And as far as his fingers go, that was years ago, I took care of him years ago, He is not in pain! And he works and is fine. That was an example. I always take good care of him and never grimace or complain when he asks for help. Instead of trying to find my faults while you read my posts, why not instead just comfort me? I am really so let down.
 

mumstheword

MyPTSD Pro
I am sorry you are suffering so much @sonnet and not receiving support from the one person who is supposed to be there for you "for better or worse". It is a heartbreaking situation.

Confusing and very hurtful.

I do empathise. I went through plenty of a similar kind of negligent disregard and emotional coldness, from my kid's dad, so I understand the deep hurt and sense of betrayal and let down and confusion of "How can they be so uncaring and callous towards me, they are the person who's supposed to treat me as important to them?"
It cuts to the core.

It nearly broke me when I was at my worst, healthwise, and my partner just refused to be there for me.

I don't see there are any valid excuses for it.

It turned out to be a deal breaker for me.

I really feel for you, I can't imagine the extent of emotional, on top of physical pain you are going through, right now, or maybe I can, which is very heartwrenching.

I know this will do little to allay what you are going through @sonnet,but 🤗 hugs. I do really feel for what you are going through and feeling.

I hope you can find some solace and support, more, than you've been getting anyway, and I'm glad you have, at least, one friend.
 

enough

MyPTSD Pro
@sonnet

hooooly crap. I want my time back.

I am 59. Yesterday. Dumb is not a problem that anyone has ever pointed out, maybe I am too dumb to know I am dumb.
I have had a diagnosis for like 15 years and went undiagnosed for 30 before that.
My post is what I shared from my last session with a Psychologist as it pertains to me.
the post title reminded me of a recent session I can share with you-
the last two lines evidently sparked some anger as you have read about 13 lines worth of vitriol into them. Unless you are the source of the untraceable @my response as well, then make it 25!
you can't do anything for anything if you don't care for self. My advice is to stop telling everyone on the internet all about how justified your anger is and try to find some things that you like for yourself. You have a girlfriend willing to come stay with you when in need, thats a start. Just my$.02.
tell you what. I hope you got some good from what I shared, I shared it because I got some good from it. He's a good psych, degree and everything, but I don't know what he would tell you if you described your life as "Husband, Health, Happiness" and described anger as you did. I know what he said to me in a remarkably similar situation and I shared it because it reminded me of my last session (that did me some good).
yeah that is hitting home. Thank you for saying that Enough
I am going to unwatch this thread, you should block my posts. I bear no malice, hope you can get past it. best of luck, I mean that sincerely.
 
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