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My world

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Akhos

MyPTSD Pro
I wrote this the other night when I couldnt sleep just because my brain was spinning around. Thought I would share it here.

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Its cold outside as I lie next to you, its 1am and I can feel the warmth of your body touching mine, smell your hair and listen to you breath quietly and peacefully in your sleep, bordering on feeling jealous of you, but at the same time, happy that you don’t have to think like I do all the time. My brain just keeps racing and will not quieten down, it keeps shouting, screaming, but never about just one thing. I lie here crying quietly as I do not want to wake or scare you, but all I want to do is talk, all I need to do is talk, but I do not know why I am even crying or how I would even attempt to explain it.

I finally wake up from a couple of hours sleep, through exhaustion rather that tiredness, clammy and scared of what the day will bring, sometimes I remember the nightmares, but most times I dont. I wake up to see the shadows in the corner and my demons sitting there waiting, regretting that my body made it through the night. My heart is pounding, my chest is tightening and sore, and my brain instantly goes into a state of alertness, with levels of fear and anxiety only surging in waves.

I find the energy to get out of bed but I feel physically weak, every muscle aches, every move is an accomplishment. I don’t want to do this anymore but my determination keeps me going.

At any point, with no warning and sometimes for no reason, my body attacks. The one thing which has always remained a certainty in my life turns on me with vengeance. My chest tightens, I struggle to breathe, I feel like I am having a heartattack and I no longer wish to fight it even if I did. The memories start, the fears and the sense of helplessness. The pain seers from my chest into my neck and slams into my head. Cloudiness settles in and I disassociate myself from the world, from everyone, from all threats as they are all just as real and serious as each other.

I make plans, but then try everything to get out of them again because the anxiety and fear of being around people is just too overwhelming.

I am apparently one of millions of people who struggle in silence out of fear of judgements and stigmas within society, and at times, friends and family.

The panic attacks, memory issues, nightmares and insomnia are common place.

These scars are invisible but that doesn’t make them any less real, or scary. I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to be here either. This isn’t my past, its my everyday reality, there is no off button, if there was, I would have hit it

I live my life in physical fear, few actual real ones, but my brain cant distinguish and they are all just as real as each other. I live my life with constant threats and fears searing through my body. I live my life with the shake of cortisol flooding every muscle. Years of being defensive has programmed it

This is my current reality, this is currently my world.
 
You're world is well known to me, and no doubt by many others on here, so you are not alone. As I read through your post I was thinking, hey that's me, right there. Hope you feel better soon, and I look forward to reading more of you're posts.
 
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