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Narcissistic/emotional Abuse

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous' started by Overcoming, Jan 29, 2017.

  1. Overcoming

    Overcoming Active Member

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    It has taken years for me to get to a point of understanding regarding my relationship with my mother. I love her dearly. I had been forever plagued by the idea that feeling anything negative toward her was wrong. I'm a grown butt woman at this point, with my own marriage and child, realizing that the way she treated me has wrecked me emotionally. More like, rendered me incapable of identifying my own emotions and regulating them. There was a lot of mess growing up: role reversal, manipulation, lies, belittling, drug abuse, emotionally abusive spouses, instability, etc. My self-worth is low. (I feel funny admitting it that way.) Cut to the chase... I'm having a hard time as I strongly desire to have a loving and nurturing mother. I wish for the physical comfort of a gentle touch or mothering embrace. It makes me feel juvenile, but I figure that if anyone can understand, it'll be someone on this site. Has anyone been able to heal is this area?
     
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  3. Littlebirdy44

    Littlebirdy44 Member

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    Absolutely! this is 100% me as well. My father has narcissistic personality disorder and I grew up raising him. He used to take me on 4 hour car rides as early as 6 years old and called me his "therapist" It totally destroyed my self worth and I understand completely how it feels to desire affection and just unconditional love my friend. I'm so sorry you yourself have experienced this. I'm only now setting boundaries with him but it seems the only way for our relationship. the WORST part about narcissistic abuse is not knowing how you're allowed to feel. Am I allowed to hate this person? Or should I feel guilty because they sometimes don't see how toxic they are? It was very very painful and confusing as a child but there is hope my friend! I'm not sure if you can relate to how I feel necessarily but I can for sure relate to how you feel and just want to offer you hugs and support!! :) stay strong friend!
     
  4. Overcoming

    Overcoming Active Member

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    I feel like you're reading me! I was Mom's walking diary from an early age. She daily reminded me of all that she provided for me and what I owed in return. I felt guilty for being upset with her. I've always made excuses for her behavior and thought that there was something wrong with me. Until recently, I assumed that she certainly didn't do what she did on purpose. Now, I'm not so sure.
     
  5. Arebas

    Arebas Active Member

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    That was my mom to the dot. Except for the drug abuse and spouses. My father had a whole other set of weird personality traits that I can't really identify. From age nine, I was the family's only reasonable person. I've given my mom love, emotional support, financial support, advise, encouragement and time. So much time! And I know she loves me, she tries to express it, but it always comes out weird. When she wants to be loving towards me, she actually talks like a baby. It creeps me out. She's always saying how sorry she is that she is a burden, that she is annoying, that she needs me so much.
    I used to imagine that the moms in my favourite TV shows or movies were my mom. It made me feel so guilty. Why should I want to be Dr. Quinn's daughter when my mom was right there on the couch? But I couldn't help it. I still feel like it's so wrong to simply admit it here.
     
  6. Littlebirdy44

    Littlebirdy44 Member

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    Manipulation is brutal :( especially when you're a child and your minds developing and you don't know any better and you trust the person because you're supposed to. But don't feel guilt love it is in no way your fault! It's such a shame that we end up feeling this way and I've learned the only way for me personally is to set boundaries and know I'll never have that father figure other than god. I'm my case that is (I do believe people are capable of change and getting help for issues like this but sadly narcissistic people rarely choose to admit to their flaws which is the case for my father) anyway know there are definitely others out there like you and if you ever wanna talk or vent my door is always open! (;
     
    mumstheword, Multitudes, Rain and 4 others like this.
  7. ladee

    ladee All the hard work has been worth it ! Premium Member

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    Finding our own truth! What a rats maze we have to endure to get there.
    Or a carnival house of mirrors where the only reflection we see is theirs.
    The sperm donar was the big N in our crazy life.
    Always about him...always him being the victim. No matter the wrath of destruction he played out on the rest of us.
    I have been married three times. Womanizers every one.
    I finally thru in the towel with the last one. I can be miserable and lonely without having the extra noise stress and laundry.
    This is a part of me that is broken.
    No matter what therapy no matter how hard I worked that self worth in regard to a man is gone.
    Maybe I gave up too soon
    Doesn't matter. I am very content with my life for the most part.
    I am not lonely. I cherish my solitude. I have many real life friends and friends here.
    Didn't share this to say 'give up'. Shared to say I am ok with that broken part of me.
    I had many other things to heal that was way more important to me.
    I hope you find who you are. And find your self worth.
     
  8. Wendy

    Wendy Member

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    Sadly, you are not alone in this experience. I am 47 and been fighting the effects of a narcissist mother for my whole life, but only fully realized it in the past few years. Some books I would recommend for healing/understanding:

    Toxic Parents, by Susan Forward
    Hope and Healing from Emotional Abuse, by Gregory Jantz
    Are You the One for Me, by Barbara De Angelis (Very help in understanding the different types of bad partners--children of narcissists are attracted to bad partners, so books like this are helpful. (My therapist says that my mother broke my Asshole Meter. *sigh*)
    Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, by Dr. Karyl McBride Ph.D.

    My heart aches for a loving and supportive mother (and a father who is more than just a passive observer and secondary victim of my mom). I don't think it will ever go away but I keep working at the acceptance. I have decided this a loss as bad as death and I am still grieving, and I try to be gentle with myself on that note.

    One coping strategy I have is trying to remember to do nice things for myself and try not to be mopey about the fact that nobody else is going to do them for me. This could include buying myself flowers, perfume, a nice book, whatever. I also journal regularly and I try to allow myself creative outlets too. Any small thing can help!
     
  9. LilLynx

    LilLynx . Banned Premium Member Donated

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    me too :(

    It's been and still is a nightmare having a narcissist mother. I long for a good mother but it's too late :( I cut all contact, she ruined my life, she was sexually abusive too. I don't think the pain and damage will ever go away for me. That's the person who brought me to this world, what is so wrong in her head that she would torture me so? Why even have me?

    She has confused me so much because she was not all bad and kept me safe from other dangers

    My head aches to think of her
     
  10. BoN-bOn

    BoN-bOn Well-Known Member

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    I am just realizing at age 35 how my childhood has effected my life in so many ways. My Mom died ten years ago & I am now not only grieving the loss of her (because she died at a time in my life when I was already in the midst of a crisis/leaving a domestic violence situation & shut down/never grieved), but the loss of what I never had with her. It's tough when you finally realize that it wasn't your fault. It's like a blow to the stomach.
     
  11. Overcoming

    Overcoming Active Member

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    My therapist just recommended Toxic Parents book this morning. I plan to check it out. I'm currently reading Will I Ever be Good Enough?. So far it's on point.
     
  12. Bliss

    Bliss Active Member

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    Oh yeah, me too! Just drove 1,000's of miles to learn the lesson again, it only works if I can be there for my dad, if I need anything it does not work, at 51 and a life time of working on this, 30 years, I finally came to the conclusion last night it is ok for me to exist, have fun even if I am not taking care of anyone, whew, that was a long haul Thanks for posting this and the responses, super great to not feel alone in it, as it continues today ❤️
     
  13. VioletButterfly

    VioletButterfly I'm a VIP

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    Breathing..... This is hot button central for me, but I want to at least let you know that I am standing in solidarity with all of you who are also working through this nightmare aspect of trauma and identity. I just buried my mother and have now severed my relationship with my dad (for today) for the reasons about which all of you spoke. Very mixed emotions and arguments in my mind, and much history and damage in my soul/heart. Breathing......

    I can share that I've learned over the years through self-work and through much research is that healing is about acknowledging and accepting the truths of your life and the power you hold to change your circumstances, thoughts, and behaviors; you can only change yourself, not others and you can't re-write history; boundaries both with others and with yourself are essential for safety; the power of self-talk, self-compassion and self-care are invaluable for recovery; faith in yourself and a higher power (if that's part of your belief-system) are essential; and, building a family of choice and a community to interact with where you can both give and receive love will improve your quality of life greatly.

    Sending out prayers/best wishes for all of us who are have been impacted by and who are dealing with this aspect of family dynamics that is so bound up in who we are, and our life experiences both then and now. VB
     
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