Narcissistic Mother, How to Respond

Rorster93

Confident
Background: my mother found out my stepfather raped and was molesting me when I was six years old. She initially reported him to the police then recanted her story. He was released from jail with an ankle monitor. She helped him break the ankle monitor and hid him from the law for years until the charges were dropped. The molestation continued. My mother found out a second time he was molesting me when I was a teenager. She blamed me for his molesting me and for the destruction of their marriage. She was mean, angry and physically, emotionally abusive towards me. She called me a whore, all the names in the book. We lived like that, my stepdad having sex with me while she knew for a long time until we all split. I went with him and my brother went with my mother.

Current day: my aunt wants to take me on a trip that requires my passport. I have to apply for one so I need my birth certificate which is at my mother's house. I asked my brother if he could get it for me but he is out of town. I texted my mother asking her to please mail it to me. She responded, "Where was my birthday phone call? Where was my mother's day phone call?"

I wanted to respond, "Where was my protection when your husband raped me? Where was my mother when my stepdad groomed and molested me all those years?" But I got cold feet and have not responded yet.

I know I will just have to order a new birth certificate. My question is, how should I respond to her? Should I say what I want to say? She will become angry and her current husband doesn't deserve her rage. But if I don't respond, will I be doing myself a disservice, allowing her to talk to me like that? Allowing her to make me out to be this bad person when I'm not.

I am feeling depressed about it, I can tell I'm starting to feel bad about myself like my self-esteem is tanking. I feel like a piece of shit, deserving of anything that comes my way. Suicidal ideation, I feel like I'm slipping into a depression. I feel less reactive, numb and don't care what happens to me.
 

Rorster93

Confident
I'm not a piece of shit. This wave of depression will pass. How I feel will pass. I am a contributing member of society. I do not harm anyone nor myself. I'm not a bad person, no matter what she says. I think it's time I severed all ties with her. Cut her out of my life completely. That is just how it has to be. There is no reconciliation. Should I tell her how I feel? Should I tell her why I'm cutting her out? It doesn't bother her if I am out of her life. After my father died we didn't speak for four years. I even wrote her a letter that she never responded to. It did not include how I really felt or what really happened.

Should I block her number and write her a final letter of severance? Tell her the cold hard truth?
 

Roland

Confident
Cut her out, if she's really narcissistic, or abusive, with no signs of change, then it's not worth putting yourself in the position to be continually hurt. In my experience, a person like that, it's not worth the air of telling them. If it'd help you somehow, that's one thing, but for me, I didn't bother. I just cut them out.

I'm sorry it's been rough for you.
 

Rorster93

Confident
Cut her out, if she's really narcissistic, or abusive, with no signs of change, then it's not worth putting yourself in the position to be continually hurt. In my experience, a person like that, it's not worth the air of telling them. If it'd help you somehow, that's one thing, but for me, I didn't bother. I just cut them out.

I'm sorry it's been rough for you.
I don't know if I need to tell her for myself. I want to be able to stand up to her, that's my idea. It might backfire.
 

Rorster93

Confident
Part of what keeps me coming back is the idea of having a mother is nice. I see my friends and coworkers calling their mothers and visiting them, shopping together. I wish I had that.
 

Roland

Confident
Part of what keeps me coming back is the idea of having a mother is nice. I see my friends and coworkers calling their mothers and visiting them, shopping together. I wish I had that.
I'm a huge advocate for making your own family. I have people I consider family that are not blood family. I have no contact with my dad, however, I have someone in my life I consider a dad, and I give him a father's day card, ask him for advice, etc. It's unlikely your mom will react in a motherly supportive way, as you need her to. There is something to be said for saying what you need to say, but yeah, it's highly likely to backfire.
 

Rorster93

Confident
Thank you. I've read in Pete Walker's book there is self-parenting and parenting by committee. Self-parenting is when you parent yourself, or your inner child. Parenting by committee is when others show you parental-like love.

I have no kids, but if I had a daughter, or if I were my own mother, I would tell myself to drop this person, they are not worth your time because they are rude, toxic and abusive.
 

Sideways

Moderator
Part of what keeps me coming back is the idea of having a mother is nice.
Yeah, I relate to this a lot.

But no matter how much I want my family to be that, they're not. That's radical acceptance territory - its not great, it's not what I want, but it's what I've got.

Pick your battles. Stand up to your mum when you're ready, on your terms, over something that really matters to you. This birth certificate thing is an inconvenience, and a nasty reminder of how much of a petty shit she can be. But is it the thing you want to make your stand for?

Or do you just wanna get on with your life without her getting in your way and getting you down?
 

OliveJewel

MyPTSD Pro
the idea of having a mother
I’m glad you recognize that it’s an ideal, a desire, a fantasy which you use to rationalize behaviors which lead you
to feel bad about myself like my self-esteem is tanking. I feel like a piece of shit, deserving of anything that comes my way. Suicidal ideation, I feel like I'm slipping into a depression. I feel less reactive, numb and don't care what happens to me.
It’s not wrong to desire a mother. It’s completely understandable. However, fortunately in the modern world you have the option of
making your own family.
rather than continually returning to the abusive family of origin with a wish to make the parents or siblings into people they are not.

Much easier said than done but you have the motivation and insight to recognize the behavior you wish to disengage with. That’s something many people never realize.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Sorry all that happened. And sorry she is still incapable.

Get your own birth certificate. You don't need the one she has. She has no power over you now.

If you said what you wanted to her? How would you handle the likely response? Because she's not going to respond in the way you need. So is the response worth it?
My T said to me, sure I might feel justified in saying what I want to say, but I'll still be feeling the disappointment and rejection from what the response will be. So is it worth it? Better to work on ourselves?

Have you tried writing a letter to your Mum saying everything you want, and just keeping it/not sending it?
 

scout86

MyPTSD Pro
I want to be able to stand up to her
What does "standing up to her" mean? Think about that. And think about what you want for an outcome. Sounds like you have a pretty good idea how she'll respond. You aren't going to change her. If what matters is proving to yourself that you can talk back to her, go for it. On the other hand, maybe that won't do enough to be worth the effort. She's got some way of justifying stuff in her own head, I imagine talking back to her will just add fuel to that, from her perspective. My own thought is that life is too short to waste much of it trying to prove anything to anyone OTHER than myself. So maybe give some thought to what you'd like to prove to who and whether or not it's worth it. She doesn't sound like she's worth wasting your time on.
 

Rorster93

Confident
Yeah, I relate to this a lot.

But no matter how much I want my family to be that, they're not. That's radical acceptance territory - its not great, it's not what I want, but it's what I've got.

Pick your battles. Stand up to your mum when you're ready, on your terms, over something that really matters to you. This birth certificate thing is an inconvenience, and a nasty reminder of how much of a petty shit she can be. But is it the thing you want to make your stand for?

Or do you just wanna get on with your life without her getting in your way and getting you down?
I feel like even if I go no contact, she's always going to be a part of me. She is my mother. The one who gave birth to me. And I look just like her, people say we are like twins. My poor dad, no one would ever guess he was my dad because I look so much like my mother. So every time I look in the mirror I see her. And it's sad to say, despite everything I still love her. It makes me cry to think about it. I can get mad and angry, I feel hurt by her but at the end of the day, she is my mother and I love her. But I can't keep slipping into an emotional flashback. I have to let go for myself.
If you said what you wanted to her? How would you handle the likely response? Because she's not going to respond in the way you need. So is the response worth it?

What does "standing up to her" mean? Think about that. And think about what you want for an outcome. Sounds like you have a pretty good idea how she'll respond. You aren't going to change her. If what matters is proving to yourself that you can talk back to her, go for it. On the other hand, maybe that won't do enough to be worth the effort.
My birth certificate is not something to fight over. I simply asked for it and this is her response. It's interesting because she's always complaining about her mother (my grandmother) being mean and hurtful, uncaring towards her but then she turns around and does the exact same thing to me. But she doesn't see it. Part of what I want to say to her is "you're acting just like grandma".

But I've decided for now not to respond. For one I get nervous and feel dread and get shaky and every time I do something while feeling that way it always ends up not being in my best interest. The second reason is that her response WILL send me into an emotional flashback and I don't deserve to feel that way because I'm not a bad person. I go to work everyday, I volunteer at my church, I help my friends and family when I can, when someone needs to vent or a shoulder to cry on I listen without judgment. I'm not a bad person, it's unfair that she treats me like I'm scum.

I think I'll bring this to my T's attention given that it affected me so fast and so intensely. She's the reason I need medication, the reason all this happened. It started with her. She was my protector and she threw me away. And she's still throwing me away.

I asked my T if my mother loved me. She said, "is she acting in a way that shows love?" I said no, and there was my answer.

And people don't understand. They ask me if I call her for mother's day or the holiday, I say no and they're like "well you need to call your mother", we don't get along, "but she's your mother". Even my boyfriend will ask if I've spoken to her. No, my mother is from a different planet then his. He had a normal mother so he doesn't understand.
 
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