Okay so i dont want to be one more person on here to be asking if anything "happened to them" in their childhood and they just don't remember. Please feel free to ignore my post if you think this intrudes the space of traumatized people.
I know that it isn't too healthy for me to be wondering "if something (sexualized) happened " to me when I was a kid. I know that you can't tell me that and maybe I will also never be able to answer that myself. And I know that if I knew I would probably feel more shitty than before and my mental health would definitely get worse again. And it feels wrong to even think about this, because there is no evidence anything happened and I grew up in a mainly healthy environment.
But there are some things in my life that I cannot stop thinking about.
At this point I accepted already that I'll never know, and that it is okay for me to have these (to me very strange) symptoms, even though there is (probably) not one single incident that is "the reason". Because sometimes I think that maybe I am looking for a traumatic incident to give these scary and shameful symptoms a "valid reason".
So the background how I got to this question: I have been in hospital, aged 23, treated for really bad depression (and have apparently been depressed since my teens), but neither psychotherapy or meds helped me a lot. So they thought we'll maybe it's borderline too and not depression on its own. I do feel a liitle bit better now after almkst half a year in institutions, BUT here is the thing: I don't know where the depression or the borderline might coming from. I have some small things, but nothing makes total sense yet. I have seen 3 therapists regularly in the past year and tbh they were all kinda "spooked" or at least a little helpless with how to help me. They see that I am very reflected, do a lot of work in therapy especially behavioural therapy etc.
But even if I manage the depression a little, other symptoms come up (panic, weird body sensations, feeling like I'm drunk all the time (??)) and usually my body just shuts me down again. I have had struggles with stomach problems all my life. Or I get the flu, or just some other feeling of sickness that has me wondering if my body is not ready to be healthy yet even when my mind is.
So we have this cycle of psychosomatic symptoms keeping me in the depression loop. And also when I can finally relax with PMR or Imaginations l, my body hurts everywhere. Unspecific but a lot, like burning bones. And this is repeatedly, not just once.
This is one point where a therapist has first said the word trauma, because apparently that is common (so he said) for people with trauma. But we decided to " accept that it is there without a clear reason" .
Another person who has asked me "if anything happened " to me is my mom. And maybe that is because she just looks for a reason so it is not her fault. Still wanted to mention it.
And finally a lot of people i met in health institutions. Stuff like " oh hey that sounds like that traumatized friend of mine " "they'll dig something.up eventually. There always is a reason for depression and stuff".
Alright now finally more specific synptoms or things i am wondering about. Again The pain in the body when relaxing. Also pain during sex with my ex bf (my only sexual partner so far). I already found out that this was a way of hurting myself, that i would do it although I knew it would hurt me physically but sometimes also mentally (crying afterwards, shame, disgust towards him). And talking about disgust.. this got the hold of me and I felt that a lot about him the longer we were sleeping together. But also in a strange way being disgusted by someone (men) makes me want to make out with them. I have not understood this part yet. Maybe it's the lack of being able to communicate them to give me space? So i just go this way instead?
Then next in line is *tadaa* also common on here, masturbating as a child. I don't know when exactly it started because i have no real overview of my life before maybe 10 years, but almost none before 6 or 7. Not necessarily uncommon but I have a twin who still remembers all of this time and all I know is from stories? (And all the therapists looked the same type like oh wait this is interesting when I told this) Okay back to the mast. I know that's common even for young children. And I can truly accept that. But this got really our of hand, and it was obsessive. Honestly. Like " I cannot count how many times a day - obsessive" even before people, eventhough people told me that it was shameful, because I simply didn't know what I did. (Sad sad parenting and generally all adults failed me in this) And i couldn't cope otherwise. I was also a child with some specific needs (?) Like not eating most foods, same morning ritual that included sitting with my teddy bear in my lap, nail biting, socks had to fit perfectly, no loud chewing around me an so forth. An I would get really angry when my needs weren't met (this is kinda where I can see where the borderline might started to have developed a bit). And some of this shows that maybe I just needed a lot of bodycentered stimuli. And maybe I found that in this unknowingly sexual way. I won't know.
Maybe this experience of people saying this way of self regulation was shameful is the core of this all already. Nobody asked why a child did this (and in this specific case) significant behaviour. (Again I know it is normal for kids but this affected my life and functioning A LOT)
Now thinking about these topics, I was also able to see some things I tried to ignore before. Like that when I get anxious, the tingling feeling is not in my hands or else but between my legs. Every time. It actually scares me. Also sometimes it is not a tingle, but rather feels like a finger running on the outside. I don't know if that would classify as a body memorie, or maybe it is also linked to my copeing mechanisms in childhood?
Okay this is getting out of hand but I guess just writing it all down will help me accept all if this even more even.if there are no answers.
I also know that there are specific triggers during sex. like when my bf put his hand on my head or forehead I would sorta freak. Same with his genitals touching mine without actual jntercourse .Also him getting to close over me, or him stopping eyecontact would make me feel strange and I had a need of getting away. But all of this can be the need fkr control or simply thought through society at least in my eyes (rape scenes in film, etc). Which actually make me feel strange when I see or hear this type of content. Not aroused but maybe only my genitalia are? This also makes me.feel very very weird bc at the same time they make me feel scared.
Last topic now I promise. I did this inner child imagination with my therapist, and several at home after that.( And I don't know if this is a scientific method? ) But all that happened was that my child-me didn't want to talk to me. Was angry or upset. I could not hug it and touching it later on in an imagination was a really really uncomfortable feeling. The first imagination ended with a black storm that was scary to me. The ones after that ended with my brain not being able to concentrate and just falling asleep or thinking of something else, not remembering what it was when the imagination ended. And as well the burning bones body pain.
Also I don't know how much I can believe these mili seconds of scenes I saw in this, since at that time I was already researching some of my symptoms and thinking if there might be a traumatized part in me. So I keep thinking that my brain just made them up?
Okay so these are a lot if points, and really confusing.
I am not sure what I wish from posting this. I know you cannot answer me what all this means. But maybe some of you have similar experiences. And really I just want to be heard and want to be taken seriously with the feelings I have regarding all this. I guess thank you for listening to me at all:) and i hope i am not intruding this Space for people with trauma. I can imagine that actually being traumatized must be so much worse than me having this thought in my mind "what if", I just had to take it some place so I woulnt be alone with it. I keep thinking of seeing a specialized therapist for sexuality or trauma, but I just feel like it is not my place since there is no trauma I can find exept the shame maybe.
Thank you for reading and having this safe space online
M.
I know that it isn't too healthy for me to be wondering "if something (sexualized) happened " to me when I was a kid. I know that you can't tell me that and maybe I will also never be able to answer that myself. And I know that if I knew I would probably feel more shitty than before and my mental health would definitely get worse again. And it feels wrong to even think about this, because there is no evidence anything happened and I grew up in a mainly healthy environment.
But there are some things in my life that I cannot stop thinking about.
At this point I accepted already that I'll never know, and that it is okay for me to have these (to me very strange) symptoms, even though there is (probably) not one single incident that is "the reason". Because sometimes I think that maybe I am looking for a traumatic incident to give these scary and shameful symptoms a "valid reason".
So the background how I got to this question: I have been in hospital, aged 23, treated for really bad depression (and have apparently been depressed since my teens), but neither psychotherapy or meds helped me a lot. So they thought we'll maybe it's borderline too and not depression on its own. I do feel a liitle bit better now after almkst half a year in institutions, BUT here is the thing: I don't know where the depression or the borderline might coming from. I have some small things, but nothing makes total sense yet. I have seen 3 therapists regularly in the past year and tbh they were all kinda "spooked" or at least a little helpless with how to help me. They see that I am very reflected, do a lot of work in therapy especially behavioural therapy etc.
But even if I manage the depression a little, other symptoms come up (panic, weird body sensations, feeling like I'm drunk all the time (??)) and usually my body just shuts me down again. I have had struggles with stomach problems all my life. Or I get the flu, or just some other feeling of sickness that has me wondering if my body is not ready to be healthy yet even when my mind is.
So we have this cycle of psychosomatic symptoms keeping me in the depression loop. And also when I can finally relax with PMR or Imaginations l, my body hurts everywhere. Unspecific but a lot, like burning bones. And this is repeatedly, not just once.
This is one point where a therapist has first said the word trauma, because apparently that is common (so he said) for people with trauma. But we decided to " accept that it is there without a clear reason" .
Another person who has asked me "if anything happened " to me is my mom. And maybe that is because she just looks for a reason so it is not her fault. Still wanted to mention it.
And finally a lot of people i met in health institutions. Stuff like " oh hey that sounds like that traumatized friend of mine " "they'll dig something.up eventually. There always is a reason for depression and stuff".
Alright now finally more specific synptoms or things i am wondering about. Again The pain in the body when relaxing. Also pain during sex with my ex bf (my only sexual partner so far). I already found out that this was a way of hurting myself, that i would do it although I knew it would hurt me physically but sometimes also mentally (crying afterwards, shame, disgust towards him). And talking about disgust.. this got the hold of me and I felt that a lot about him the longer we were sleeping together. But also in a strange way being disgusted by someone (men) makes me want to make out with them. I have not understood this part yet. Maybe it's the lack of being able to communicate them to give me space? So i just go this way instead?
Then next in line is *tadaa* also common on here, masturbating as a child. I don't know when exactly it started because i have no real overview of my life before maybe 10 years, but almost none before 6 or 7. Not necessarily uncommon but I have a twin who still remembers all of this time and all I know is from stories? (And all the therapists looked the same type like oh wait this is interesting when I told this) Okay back to the mast. I know that's common even for young children. And I can truly accept that. But this got really our of hand, and it was obsessive. Honestly. Like " I cannot count how many times a day - obsessive" even before people, eventhough people told me that it was shameful, because I simply didn't know what I did. (Sad sad parenting and generally all adults failed me in this) And i couldn't cope otherwise. I was also a child with some specific needs (?) Like not eating most foods, same morning ritual that included sitting with my teddy bear in my lap, nail biting, socks had to fit perfectly, no loud chewing around me an so forth. An I would get really angry when my needs weren't met (this is kinda where I can see where the borderline might started to have developed a bit). And some of this shows that maybe I just needed a lot of bodycentered stimuli. And maybe I found that in this unknowingly sexual way. I won't know.
Maybe this experience of people saying this way of self regulation was shameful is the core of this all already. Nobody asked why a child did this (and in this specific case) significant behaviour. (Again I know it is normal for kids but this affected my life and functioning A LOT)
Now thinking about these topics, I was also able to see some things I tried to ignore before. Like that when I get anxious, the tingling feeling is not in my hands or else but between my legs. Every time. It actually scares me. Also sometimes it is not a tingle, but rather feels like a finger running on the outside. I don't know if that would classify as a body memorie, or maybe it is also linked to my copeing mechanisms in childhood?
Okay this is getting out of hand but I guess just writing it all down will help me accept all if this even more even.if there are no answers.
I also know that there are specific triggers during sex. like when my bf put his hand on my head or forehead I would sorta freak. Same with his genitals touching mine without actual jntercourse .Also him getting to close over me, or him stopping eyecontact would make me feel strange and I had a need of getting away. But all of this can be the need fkr control or simply thought through society at least in my eyes (rape scenes in film, etc). Which actually make me feel strange when I see or hear this type of content. Not aroused but maybe only my genitalia are? This also makes me.feel very very weird bc at the same time they make me feel scared.
Last topic now I promise. I did this inner child imagination with my therapist, and several at home after that.( And I don't know if this is a scientific method? ) But all that happened was that my child-me didn't want to talk to me. Was angry or upset. I could not hug it and touching it later on in an imagination was a really really uncomfortable feeling. The first imagination ended with a black storm that was scary to me. The ones after that ended with my brain not being able to concentrate and just falling asleep or thinking of something else, not remembering what it was when the imagination ended. And as well the burning bones body pain.
Also I don't know how much I can believe these mili seconds of scenes I saw in this, since at that time I was already researching some of my symptoms and thinking if there might be a traumatized part in me. So I keep thinking that my brain just made them up?
Okay so these are a lot if points, and really confusing.
I am not sure what I wish from posting this. I know you cannot answer me what all this means. But maybe some of you have similar experiences. And really I just want to be heard and want to be taken seriously with the feelings I have regarding all this. I guess thank you for listening to me at all:) and i hope i am not intruding this Space for people with trauma. I can imagine that actually being traumatized must be so much worse than me having this thought in my mind "what if", I just had to take it some place so I woulnt be alone with it. I keep thinking of seeing a specialized therapist for sexuality or trauma, but I just feel like it is not my place since there is no trauma I can find exept the shame maybe.
Thank you for reading and having this safe space online
M.