Childhood navigating shame and grief (incest overt and covert abuse) and making sense of love-bombing after abuse

newclassroom

New Here
I grew up in an abusive home where verbal abuse happened everyday. I was still close to my parents as a kid and thought they cared for me. when I sexually abused by my dad, i was so confused and i ignored it. there's a lot of shame i deal with because i was a kid and had no idea of what he was doing to me. my body responded to the sexual stuff and i remember as a kid i asked my dad to do more because it felt good. this brings so much shame and pain to me. i was still forced to make sense of everything that my dad did to me and just move on. because i was a kid that's what i did. i ignored it for so many years and went to school and went to college. if at that age anyone would have asked me if this had happened to me i would say yes but what it actually was was abuse which i wouldn't know as a kid. I still showed love and respect to both my parents and thought my parents really love me. i would be love-bombed by my dad when i was a kid which used to make me think that we have a good daughter-father relationship. None of this made sense to me til i turned 20 when i was given my correct diagnosis. the more i read about CPTSD the more it started making sense to me about the deep dysfunctional f*cked up people i grew up with.

about that when i asked my dad to do more stuff to me, I just don't know how to deal with the shame and pain that i feel. I now know that it wasn't my fault and my body naturally responded to those things.

when i was 17 i had told a doctor that these things had happened with me a kid and my dad did that to me. even then i wasn't looking at it as abuse but something that was wrong and should never had happened. one day i was talking to the doc and i told that doctor who didn't say much. that doc decided to speak to my dad and my dad came to know. he then called me and told me that I'm such a shambles girl that i can speak such ill things about her own father. i remember that I was the one crying and I was the one apologising to my dad that I was sorry i shouldn't have said those things about you. I spoke to the doctor again and told her that it was not true and i lied about those things. My dad told me how can i do this to him when he has been taking care of me since i was a kid. he also said he has been working hard so there is money to put food on the plate and roof over head and he can't believe that i would say such things to that doctor. i felt terrible and apologised to my dad. None of it was lies but I told the doctor that it was a lie to save my dad from the consequences.

i just wanted to say that i have this shame and grief that i don't know how to navigate through it. my dad is dead to me. he doesn't deserve forgiveness. i want to be set free from the pain but i don't think forgiveness will make that happen. Sometimes when i look back and think of the good memories i had as a kid with both my parents, i just feel so much pain. i mean this little sweet girl thought she was loved and looked after but clearly everything opposite of that had happened where her innocence and vulnerability was exploited. i could never think about having love for my dad ever. i don't and i don't think I'll ever. But the loss and grief is painful and hard to swallow some times.
 

Miyu38

Learning
I grew up in an abusive home where verbal abuse happened everyday. I was still close to my parents as a kid and thought they cared for me. when I sexually abused by my dad, i was so confused and i ignored it. there's a lot of shame i deal with because i was a kid and had no idea of what he was doing to me. my body responded to the sexual stuff and i remember as a kid i asked my dad to do more because it felt good. this brings so much shame and pain to me. i was still forced to make sense of everything that my dad did to me and just move on. because i was a kid that's what i did. i ignored it for so many years and went to school and went to college. if at that age anyone would have asked me if this had happened to me i would say yes but what it actually was was abuse which i wouldn't know as a kid. I still showed love and respect to both my parents and thought my parents really love me. i would be love-bombed by my dad when i was a kid which used to make me think that we have a good daughter-father relationship. None of this made sense to me til i turned 20 when i was given my correct diagnosis. the more i read about CPTSD the more it started making sense to me about the deep dysfunctional f*cked up people i grew up with.

about that when i asked my dad to do more stuff to me, I just don't know how to deal with the shame and pain that i feel. I now know that it wasn't my fault and my body naturally responded to those things.

when i was 17 i had told a doctor that these things had happened with me a kid and my dad did that to me. even then i wasn't looking at it as abuse but something that was wrong and should never had happened. one day i was talking to the doc and i told that doctor who didn't say much. that doc decided to speak to my dad and my dad came to know. he then called me and told me that I'm such a shambles girl that i can speak such ill things about her own father. i remember that I was the one crying and I was the one apologising to my dad that I was sorry i shouldn't have said those things about you. I spoke to the doctor again and told her that it was not true and i lied about those things. My dad told me how can i do this to him when he has been taking care of me since i was a kid. he also said he has been working hard so there is money to put food on the plate and roof over head and he can't believe that i would say such things to that doctor. i felt terrible and apologised to my dad. None of it was lies but I told the doctor that it was a lie to save my dad from the consequences.

i just wanted to say that i have this shame and grief that i don't know how to navigate through it. my dad is dead to me. he doesn't deserve forgiveness. i want to be set free from the pain but i don't think forgiveness will make that happen. Sometimes when i look back and think of the good memories i had as a kid with both my parents, i just feel so much pain. i mean this little sweet girl thought she was loved and looked after but clearly everything opposite of that had happened where her innocence and vulnerability was exploited. i could never think about having love for my dad ever. i don't and i don't think I'll ever. But the loss and grief is painful and hard to swallow some times.

Hello there newclassrom that is such a horrible experience to go through as a kid. That doctor had an obligation to report what you said to the right people, not the abuser. Yes, it is just the body's normal response to stuff like that and your dad used that. The first step is to forgive yourself for not knowing and understanding what was going on. There is no reason that you need to see your parents if that is what you want to do.
The process of being able to move on will be long and hard but the fact that you got on this form like so many others means you want to heal and that is progress. I don't have much advice but just know I heard your story and I'm rooting for your recovery.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
he doesn't deserve forgiveness. i want to be set free from the pain but i don't think forgiveness will make that happen.

in my personal recovery from child sex trafficking, forgiveness was and remains my ticket to navigating the guilt and shame. to me, forgiveness is not about absolving the perverted assholes who buy and sell children. they are still guilty as sin and i have no interest in absolving them. even if i were interested in absolving them, it's not my job to do so. in my strictly personal recovery, forgiveness is about letting go of the bitterness and hatred they nurtured in me is a source of considerable relief. bitterness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

as it turns out, forgiving sick perverts for being sick perverts is child's play next to self-forgiveness for having survived all that and all the psycho ticks i carried away from the effort of surviving all that.

but that is me and every case is unique. . .
steadying support while you decide what is right for you.
 

newclassroom

New Here
Hello there newclassrom that is such a horrible experience to go through as a kid. That doctor had an obligation to report what you said to the right people, not the abuser. Yes, it is just the body's normal response to stuff like that and your dad used that. The first step is to forgive yourself for not knowing and understanding what was going on. There is no reason that you need to see your parents if that is what you want to do.
The process of being able to move on will be long and hard but the fact that you got on this form like so many others means you want to heal and that is progress. I don't have much advice but just know I heard your story and I'm rooting for your recovery.
Thank you so much for understanding me.
 
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