MVA Near miss today

Ice_Fire

MyPTSD Pro
I had a near miss today and I don’t know what to do with myself tonight. I’m exhausted but I’m wired and the adrenaline hasn’t gone yet. It’s such a strange feeling sitting here on the sofa like every other evening thinking “I very nearly died today”. And I don’t know what to do with that because telling myself “but you didn’t, time for bed” and carry on as normal just isn’t working.

Doesn’t help that it’s the second near miss I’ve had in a month. The first one was an attempted crash for cash and the person in front who stopped short was most annoyed I didn’t hit him and even tried to claim for damage that wasn’t there. I took photos and my insurance told them to do one so that was fine. It shook me up though as that was the first time in a decade of driving where I’ve done an emergency stop in a real
situation. And now just a few weeks later I’ve had another close shave.

Today’s was worse. I was doing just under the 60mph speed limit on a road I know pretty well. Going the other way was a line of 5 or 6 cars and as I was coming towards them the car third in line attempted an overtake. Of both the cars in front of him in one go. Just before a bend on his side as well so I was coming out of said bend.

I honestly thought I was dead. The childhood trauma that caused my PTSD has resulted in a few “I’m likely going to die” moments but I’ve never before had that certainty feeling of “well this is it right here right now”. I’ve never had that time slowing down feeling before until today.

And the weirdest part is (as crazy as this sounds) is there’s nothing to show for the experience. It was one of those where if we had made any contact at all I would probably not have survived but as it happened, we didn’t, so there’s no damage or injury or anything and that seems bizarrely wrong somehow? Hard to explain.

I know I should go to bed and *not* build it up in my head but I have that pit of my stomach dread feeling about going to sleep tonight and even though I’m shattered I’ve all this restlessness.

I don’t even really know what the point of this post is but I had to write it out somewhere I suppose. It’s just so strange that after everything else, today has probably been the actual closest to death I’ve ever come and yet I’m completely unharmed whereas before I’ve been in some state and those experiences are now…I don’t know, have been trumped by something that’s not happened?
 

Friday

Moderator
I know I should go to bed and *not* build it up in my head but I have that pit of my stomach dread feeling about going to sleep tonight and even though I’m shattered I’ve all this restlessness.
And I don’t know what to do with that because telling myself “but you didn’t, time for bed” and carry on as normal just isn’t working.

For nasty shocks the best thing I know of to do is the opposite of sucking it up, and attempting to carry on as normal (unless it’s time for a nice warm bath, hot drink, and lie in bed with a book I’m only halfway reading… but If it’s time for anything else? It’s not. It’s time for a nice warm bath, hot drink, & lie in). Because if I have the luxury of time to actually sort it & let myself shake myself out… well, see below ((In response to flashbacks & intrusive thoughts & physical exhausted restlessness in the immediately after… as I said it better than I’m capable of right this minute))

My experience is that if I let them come? Don’t try not to think about it, not to feel, suck it up, shove it in the box, etc? But instead, let the waves come, the feelings come, the 360 replays come. Surge and fade, surge and fade. Take a day or three and treat myself as if I’ve just had a nasty shock? Because I have? Hell, even a warm bath, stiff drink, and a lie in with a good book? Or the inverse, get all dolled up, dance, sex, etc.? Or have a nice long talk with the ocean, the rise and fall of the swells somehow making the rise and fall of thoughts and feelings come right, and having told the sea all about it, tell my human counterparts? These are the experiences that DONT tend to haunt.

It’s one of those things that’s so “simple”. Spend a couple days processing though it all, in different ways as desired, and voila. Just a memory. No fangs. No claws. No need to spend years and years with it. It just sort of “settles”, and becomes insubstantial all on its own. No shoving it into a box it’s trying to claw it’s way out of.
 

enough

MyPTSD Pro
Man, that was a close one! Personally, I get triggered BAD by close calls, I have seen the outcomes of car vs. car and it doesn't leave you ready to go out and risk it, that is for certain. But, I will tell you what I used to tell people I was getting packaged for the ambulance or the helicopter ride- I used to say "celebrate the victory! You have made it this far and you are getting good care from here on, be glad to be alive!"
You had a close call and you are here to tell about it, that sounds like a reason to be just a little bit happy. Sure beats the alternative, you have to admit that.

All that said, i am a mess after a close one. I feel like someone just pointed a shotgun at my neck. I want to go find the other driver and challenge them to try again, this time with no deadly weapons (vehicles). It will be the first thing I think about when I grab the keys for, hell i don't know how long. It is always the first thing I think of when I grab the keys. Gonna do it tomorrow and the day after, beats the alternative.
 

Ice_Fire

MyPTSD Pro
Thanks guys. Strangely I slept fine! Sheer exhaustion I suppose. @Friday thank you for telling me to do some self care, like a lot of us here I slide, I am pretty bad at that. I’m having a lie in this morning. I’m glad I didn’t have to go to work today.

@enough I totally would like to find the driver and have a go at him! I don’t know if he was high or something, or if it was just testosterone mixed with not enough brain cells?! I do wonder if he got a shock as well and modified his driving or if he’s since wrapped himself round a tree.
 
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