Ice_Fire
MyPTSD Pro
I had a near miss today and I don’t know what to do with myself tonight. I’m exhausted but I’m wired and the adrenaline hasn’t gone yet. It’s such a strange feeling sitting here on the sofa like every other evening thinking “I very nearly died today”. And I don’t know what to do with that because telling myself “but you didn’t, time for bed” and carry on as normal just isn’t working.
Doesn’t help that it’s the second near miss I’ve had in a month. The first one was an attempted crash for cash and the person in front who stopped short was most annoyed I didn’t hit him and even tried to claim for damage that wasn’t there. I took photos and my insurance told them to do one so that was fine. It shook me up though as that was the first time in a decade of driving where I’ve done an emergency stop in a real
situation. And now just a few weeks later I’ve had another close shave.
Today’s was worse. I was doing just under the 60mph speed limit on a road I know pretty well. Going the other way was a line of 5 or 6 cars and as I was coming towards them the car third in line attempted an overtake. Of both the cars in front of him in one go. Just before a bend on his side as well so I was coming out of said bend.
I honestly thought I was dead. The childhood trauma that caused my PTSD has resulted in a few “I’m likely going to die” moments but I’ve never before had that certainty feeling of “well this is it right here right now”. I’ve never had that time slowing down feeling before until today.
And the weirdest part is (as crazy as this sounds) is there’s nothing to show for the experience. It was one of those where if we had made any contact at all I would probably not have survived but as it happened, we didn’t, so there’s no damage or injury or anything and that seems bizarrely wrong somehow? Hard to explain.
I know I should go to bed and *not* build it up in my head but I have that pit of my stomach dread feeling about going to sleep tonight and even though I’m shattered I’ve all this restlessness.
I don’t even really know what the point of this post is but I had to write it out somewhere I suppose. It’s just so strange that after everything else, today has probably been the actual closest to death I’ve ever come and yet I’m completely unharmed whereas before I’ve been in some state and those experiences are now…I don’t know, have been trumped by something that’s not happened?
Doesn’t help that it’s the second near miss I’ve had in a month. The first one was an attempted crash for cash and the person in front who stopped short was most annoyed I didn’t hit him and even tried to claim for damage that wasn’t there. I took photos and my insurance told them to do one so that was fine. It shook me up though as that was the first time in a decade of driving where I’ve done an emergency stop in a real
situation. And now just a few weeks later I’ve had another close shave.
Today’s was worse. I was doing just under the 60mph speed limit on a road I know pretty well. Going the other way was a line of 5 or 6 cars and as I was coming towards them the car third in line attempted an overtake. Of both the cars in front of him in one go. Just before a bend on his side as well so I was coming out of said bend.
I honestly thought I was dead. The childhood trauma that caused my PTSD has resulted in a few “I’m likely going to die” moments but I’ve never before had that certainty feeling of “well this is it right here right now”. I’ve never had that time slowing down feeling before until today.
And the weirdest part is (as crazy as this sounds) is there’s nothing to show for the experience. It was one of those where if we had made any contact at all I would probably not have survived but as it happened, we didn’t, so there’s no damage or injury or anything and that seems bizarrely wrong somehow? Hard to explain.
I know I should go to bed and *not* build it up in my head but I have that pit of my stomach dread feeling about going to sleep tonight and even though I’m shattered I’ve all this restlessness.
I don’t even really know what the point of this post is but I had to write it out somewhere I suppose. It’s just so strange that after everything else, today has probably been the actual closest to death I’ve ever come and yet I’m completely unharmed whereas before I’ve been in some state and those experiences are now…I don’t know, have been trumped by something that’s not happened?