Not sure what I want here. Bit of an outpouring or something. I really loved my Dad. He hadn't been a perfect Dad by any means, he was distant and terrifyingly physically abusive when I was a kid. And for sure we were pretty badly neglected by both parents. And kind of our relationship was a bit one sided even until he died in the sense there wasn't very much room for my truth - sounds a bit wanky but I mean my mental health problems would barely be mentioned.. I think he believed I had a chemical imbalance or was unfortunately afflicted with moral weakness or something. I don't know. Maybe he was frightened actually. He did go through a lot with my Mum's mental health problems. But as I got older we did build a better relationship. Even one time in my 30's he said he had realised that I must have had a difficult time as a kid. Which given my families talent for complete denial felt like quite the punch in the face actually But I really did love him. He couldn't really do emotional talk too much but otherwise we got on great. I don't know it's complicated. I worked hard to be loved by Dad, always did. To the extent I would negate myself for sure.. and I mean.in some ways he was a terrible Dad! Barely registered what I was like as a kid. Didn't see me as a kid, didnt notice me being totally withdrawn and depressed and filthy. So shut down I was almost zombie like. He was sexually innapropriate too and saw me as a bad kid for nor obeying his will - not cool really is it at all actually. Ive got quite a bit of work to do processing it all - quite a bit of f*cked upness to work on. But we did get closer as I grew older, shared a sense of humour and enjoyed talking about ideas and philosophy and naff entertainment, experimental cookery (ish) and a huge kinda naïve shy interest and curiosity about people. There were some books and films we shared a love for, we knew if the other would love a book or film - it was him told me about Harold and maude - he knew I would love Maud ♡ and I did,.do! So I could go on for hours.. I realise in many ways he was a terrible Dad and I kind of worshipped him all the same. And as much as I thought we had a great relationship he wasn't ever really there for me as I actually am. Even just months begore he became ill. I had confided about being in an abusive relationship and asked for help and he explained to me, even I would say mansplained - that life on your own, without a partner is horribly lonely, that I should rethink wanting to leave. I mean. Either he didn't believe me? Or??? It was pretty sudden, the end. A couple weeks feeling a little breathless, a week in hospital for tests. And then told it was terminal lung cancer and he had a couple weeks. He was cream cake smoking non exercising big round ball of a man so I'd been really scared of losing him for a good while. Just terrified me to think of losing him. The day after his funeral my partner shouted at me for hours and hours. His drinking and abuse ramped up to be nearly every day and so much worse than it had been. And while staying with my Dad I'd realised my brother was alcoholic too and seemed to share the dismissive view of women of my Dad and my partner. Friends dropped me. Most of em. Became really scared if opening up to anyone at all. It was terrifying. All my attempts to get help seemed to go wrong. Not being heard, psychiatrists not hearing me, diagnosing me with borderline. Twice. My brother and all my friends and the domesric violence worker not believing me about what was happening at home. She said I should look in the paper for a new flat. It's been terrifying. All the more cause of my distortions and it bringing up fears fro childhood so I know ove not reacted very intellI gently. I'e Been reacting like I felt as a kid - fears of abandonment and all that. That's nearly 2 years ago. I know now what I wish I had known years ago - that I need to leave. I have felt trapped by lack of means to move, lack of validation from anyone in my life, lack of energy, feeling I could not leave the flat untill I made things right for the landlord too. I'm ashamed of how low I've let myself get. And I feel so dumb for letting all this happen. When it comes to anything to do with dealing with people my confidence and self worth was Nin existent. And some stuff happened. Anyway. I will have some money soon. Be able to leave Bit nervous about posting. Fearful I'm just being that pitiful thing - feeling sorry for myself. I bloody do feel sorry for myself an all.