Need Advice About Sex

[Seeking_Nirvana]

OK, this is difficult to do but I'm not comfortable with my therapist yet to ask him. I seen another post about sex and flash backs so I thought I would go out on a limb and post this.

I don't usually have flash backs during sex, but the problem is I NEVER want sex. I either suppressed my libido after being raped or it's just the way I am?

For the sake of marriage I have sex anyway. I offer it because it's part of having a healthy relationship. He knows I don't want to and that I'm just being nice by offering because I told him a long time ago that I never feel that I want it. He usually says he doesn't want to take advantage of me. I tell him I can handle it or I wouldn't offer. I don't offer when I'm feeling real bad though.

I tried reading some books on healing this, but the books caused some incest panic, and incest dreams, so I stopped reading. I plan to start again soon, but had to get the dreams under control.

The question is: Should I have sex when I don't want to for the purpose of keeping my marriage together or does this cause me more problems? If I feel mentally OK to just do it, am I really OK with it?

If anyone tells me don't do it until you want to, rest assured that wont be anytime in 2008.

Has anyone experienced this issue? What did you do and what was the result?

This is probably the hardest thing I've ever asked anyone. I'm more OK with the fact I'm crazy than talking about sexual issues. I feel sick eh!

Tammy

 

[mightsurvive]

Hiya Seeking nirvana

I'm sure we all have our own opinions on this. Personally i would say if you dont want sex then say no. Plain and simple.

But i know its not easy when its with someone you love. And i dont say no even though i probably should. I dont want the flashbacks and so avoid sex sometimes too. But its not just the flash backs either. I really should avoid it all the time untill the flash backs stop.

But were trying to get pregnant so... And if i dont try i wont know if the flash backs have stopped. Very difficult question to answer. As to wether it does damage having sex when you dont want it ... still have to find that one out.

Sorry to have not been much use. But im with you on this one.

Take care

 

[dljwhitewolf]

When I start to feel like a receptical, I stop having sex. I have certain issues that I can deal with, but for the most part I have slowly gotten over my major sex issues.
When I first started dating, and finally had sex, they became my abusers and I would have to end it.
I would suggest that your husband massage your body with no intention of sex afterwards. You may have shut off your feelings, because if it feels good, you may blame yourself, (that you enjoyed the rape, not true, but guilt is a wicked shadow.)
and begin to feel,,,,,,,,,,,,,,feel,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,feel,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,how your body is feeling.
Try to connect the pleasure of touch with goodness, imagery is a great thing, like being at an ocean resort that is deserted and the massage is taking place there.
There aren't many gifts God has given that are truly outstanding, but in my humble opinion, the orgasm is one of them.
I hope these suggestions can help you, you do need to learn how to turn your body back on for all kinds of reasons, pain from an accident etc etc etc and of course for pleasure.
Babysteps is all we can take, one day at a time, hope this helps, understandings from experience.
Donna-Lynne

 

[Don]

Should I have sex when I don't want to for the purpose of keeping my marriage together or does this cause me more problems? If I feel mentally OK to just do it, am I really OK with it?

I think it's a matter of degree.

It's a given that at present you're not enjoying sex with your husband.

Now, you say you don't "want to", but that you otherwise unreservedly love your husband, right? You'd not be the first wife who gets nothing out of sex but went along with it anyway for years if not decades. But that's not the issue.

The question is, for you is it merely a neutral event personally that is mildly bothersome but that you agree to, as you know it's a really big deal for your husband? A modest self-sacrifice if you will, but at a trivial level.

Or, are you aware of it causing you harm, mental anguish or some form of reliving earlier trauma? My view is that if you're not aware of it awakening earlier memories (like the book reading you mentioned, which confirms that those memories can indeed be readily enough awakened), really I think it's not only a neutral activity for you but even has the potential of being a mildly positive one (which with time just might help to replace your earlier problem memories).

Now the obvious thought comes up, what might improve matters where you and your husband could turn this neutral level of interest on your part into something more positive? Have you two explored this at some length, perhaps including counselling, or sort of given up after a short while? And, sometimes the woman's enjoyment has totally nothing to do with technique but just the relationship as a whole (eg. his 'doing his share' in housekeeping if you both work, the presence of a consistent and ongoing loving relationship full of thoughtfulness and respect, etc.).

Don

 

[Seeking_Nirvana]

Thanks for your suggestions. Another problem is I don't like to be touched at all unless it's my husband or daughter. If I think he may be touching me for that reason I get in one of my no touch moods.

I will try what you suggested and see if it works.

Thanks
Tammy

 

[dljwhitewolf]

I completely understand the no touch thing.
My mother would get so mad at me that I wouldn't let her hug me when I was flashing back, hell she never did it just to do it, what made her think I would welcome her touch then.
Well she knows better about ptsd, but she always thinks it will go away, I brought her to my psych for him to tell her that I have a sentence for c-ptsd for life.
She still thinks it will go away, maybe its hopeful thinking so she can't be the blame for it, who knows, either way, when flashing, stay far far away.
I worked in Manhattan for a year, it only taught me I didn't need to work in Manhattan for a year, but the crowds drove me crazy, people bumping into you, tight squeezes on the subway, I hated it so so so much
thank goodness those days are gone
lol

 

[spiritofnow]

I beleive what 'djwhitewolf' has said is spot on!

Perhaps you need to alter how you think about sharing yourself with your loved one? You need to feel ok at being touched and safe that it does not have to lead on to anything more than you can handle - also by practising to simply touch each other and feel the sensation of that will ensure that you do still have a physical connetion with him.

For e.g I love to have my back gently stroked and tickled - so my ex-partner would do this without it having to mean more - just enjoy having someone who you know cares for you deeply to touch you in this way. Ask him what he may like - my ex loved the underneath of his feet being stroked (wierd eh ;-) so I would do this for him.

Touching and feeling okay about it is something you may have to re-learn to feel okay about - you can do it!

All the best
Spiritofnow

 

[WorkingThruIt]

Have you had a child recently? My libido was nonexistent for almost three years after I gave birth. I think that it was a mix of emotional and hormonal changes that took place. I have spoken to other women that experienced the same loss of drive. There was nothing that got me excited and I just wrote off sex for a few years. I was not in a long term relationship at the time, so it was easier to be asexual. It is still not easy with the flashbacks that have started, but at least I have a drive.

 

[2quilt]

I just enjoy being naked in bed with my husband. He kisses me and rubs me. Scratches my back. Rubs my feet. The antidepressant meds killed my desire to have sex a long time ago anyway, and he understands that, so we don't have sex unless he initiates, and I can't ever have orgasm. The antidepressant stops that. But I also don't miss sex because the antidepressant stops the desire. I just want to be friends.

 

[GR-ass]

Sometimes just being held is more fulfilling then the sex act itself. Its the sense of security and love that you can get from casual touching.

I forced myself to be tactile with my friends, to touch their hand, to brush their hair. . . . all little things that meant so much.

I love it when my partner brushes my hair, it makes me feel safe.

 

[Seeking_Nirvana]

You know I really do like it when he rubs my back or strokes my hair. It's the sex touch that freaks me out.

Sometimes it doesn't bother me to do the touching (I prefer it instead of being touched). I think what Don said makes a whole lot of sense. It's a neutral event, mildly bothersome that is a self sacrifice. It doesn't seem to be causing me mental harm and I don't have nightmares about it. Very insightful!

On the days where I absolutely feel I can't participate then I don't. So I guess I will be OK with what I'm doing until I figure out a way to heal. Then maybe I can actually enjoy it.

Thanks for everyone's input. This was a touchy subject for me (No pun intended) LOL I feel much better now and don't feel I'm making things worse for myself.

Tammy