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Need Dating Advice

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Yes Dylan,
I told him they are MY feelings and I get to have them and he can't fix them and can't fix me. He is just wanting to concentrate on the future and doesn't want to hear anything about the bad stuff that has happened to me.............does make me feel a bit invalidated, but on the other hand, it is kind of good for me too.........but it does worry me that I have to hide this part of me.

Last night he said it just kills him when his dog has an owie on her leg........he said imagine how I feel when I see you in so much pain and there's nothing I can do. I've tried to explain to him me feeling my pain is not a bad thing..........but it sounds like he's more concerned about him than me here. I'm feeling like I can't share my deepest feelings..........it makes him too uncomfortable. This makes me feel more like a freak..........it see a downward spiral perhaps.

In a way he is sensitive to my needs because I notice him always asking, "are you OK?' in situations when he thinks I might be triggered or something. I always answer honestly. He is definately all man........wants to keep me in a happy place........but when I have tried to talk about a couple of things, he gets very adamant and says, "Those are the bad people, we are putting them over here in a little box and you don't have to deal with them anymore, OK.........(then quickly), I don't want to hear anymore.........let's focus on the future OK." Then I can't talk anymore..........

I wonder too.........his needs are more important than mine.......or he just can't stand to see me tear up and this is how he's trying to fix it. Still it's his needs right?
 
:think: So you've been dating the guy for a month now? Are things going too fast? Is he trying to tell you how to feel? He sounds rather needy--but I don't know him and I could be totally way off base. Be careful and listen to your gut instinct! :smile:
 
Hi TLight,

Well, when someone is basically telling me (directly or indirectly) that I can't have or share my experience and feelings because it's too hard for them, I see it as manipulation. What I also hear is that they only want the pretty pictures, not complications or have to show up for the more difficult stuff.

I know a few people who have given me that message. Maybe they're afraid of getting sucked into some kind of misery vortex....never able to get out of it. Maybe they're afraid they can't handle someone else's strong emotions, or they doubt they're ability to keep a healthy boundary. I know that, for me, when I want someone to shut up about something, it's fear of overwhelm, fear of getting swamped and taken under....or in (merging). In relationship, maybe the person doesn't want the "honeymoon" phase to end and start working on adult relating. I admit, I feel sad whenever a honeymoon phase passes in my relationship!

I know that my symptoms of PTSD, my intensity, can be a bit much. My partner has learned to say, "I want to be supportive, but I can't hear this right now....I'm not in a place that I can stay above water with it." But then, there simply must be times when the answer is, "I'm here....let's talk about it."

I've always said, and still believe, that if both parties are willing to work, then any relationship can succeed. So, for me, the question that I needed to see answered in behavior, not promises, was: is this person willing to do the work, not just on the relationship, but on themselves?

HTH-
-Dylan
 
Good words Dylan and Midi;
Yes, I'm cautious. And yes, he is needy. He is used to being with someone since he was 19......for 20 years he was married. That tells me a lot about his capacity to have a relationship.......they just ended up with different goals and nothing in common.........she wanted kids she ended up discovering, he didn't.....he wanted cows, a farm, the country life.......she was heading more for Nordstrom.......they just ended up two different people. They are not enemies, still friends.......just two different.
I've often thought of my experience on the east coast with a big Italian family. I thought it really strange how some of the children still lived with their parents when they were in their mid-thirties even. In other cultures, kids don't leave the home until they are married. Here...........we are expected almost to be independent and struggle along without the support of family........I know I've been isolated my whole life. I can see how this cultural tradition has it's mentally healthy plus's now.

I called and told him I was cancelling for tonight and that I wanted to slow down a bit and we could talk later. He asked if I was cancelling because of him or his family stuff......I said him and that he was at work and we'd talk later.

I called when he got home. He said he was settled with not calling me and just waiting and letting me have my space, waiting for me to call him. He just got into the space that he wanted to respect what I needed........even though it was kind of hard for him and he missed me. This told me a lot about him being able to respect my boundaries.
He did say he was naseous all day........anxiety......he knows about this from after his divorce two years ago.......living alone for the first time. He had a little nervous breakdown and lots of anxiety during the adjustment, but feels like he's OK now with living alone and if I'm not the one, he's OK with not looking anymore cause he's like me and hates dating.....he could live alone and be ok now. This made me feel better too.
Then I talked about last night and how I feel a little shut down around the PTSD thing and that I feel like he was just probably feeling afraid and instead it came out and was interprited by me as "you are different and hiding your real self".........I told him next time to just say he's scared. He said the list of triggers was scary for him and that he was scared. I told him I would have been too..........but then said that I have a strategy for dealing with the triggering times and told him that he needs to be OK with me having feelings. He is understanding a lot about it and has been doing a lot of thinking about how it makes sense how I have to 'go back' and experience all these emotions, etc. to heal......but also that I'm 3 years into it. He also said it hurts him to see me in pain and he wants to stop it.........but understands that he should only comfort me through it.

Then I talked about the stupid comment he made while putting on my socks and how this worries me...........he said sometimes he just says things that he realizes later are insensitive and stupid and he tries to own up to it right away.......but he is a teaser and he knows that can hurt people. He knows his ex had a hard time with his teasing too and he is trying to be more aware. He seems to be owning his part in the reasons for the divorce.

I really emphasized that I wanted him to take some time to evaluate everthing I've told him, speak with my T, think about his expectations of a realtionship (like I might not ever be able to work full time?---will he be resentful?)..........I really told him that all of the stuff we've both been honest about we both need to step back and truly think about as adults.........he's 44 I'm 43.........come on, the good brain chemicals are going to wear off sooner or later and we need to establish this on some really solid foundation of communication and whether or not we can truly meet each other's needs and expectations. I told him what a HUGE risk this was for me and that I've been holding my heart back and watching cautiously.

It was a good conversation, very good and very open. He is a good man and I think, although perhaps a bit needy, I don't think its in a bad or controlling manner..........still, I'm concentrating on my healing and self care and will step back and enjoy the moments we have together. Keep you all posted.
 
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