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Undiagnosed Need some validation/help (sexual abuse)

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rumor18894

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Hello! We're just going to jump right into this. I'm sure this is just a heaping mess of self-blame but I can't shake the feeling that I got myself into this situation because of how complicated it is and how I reacted to it. This gets somewhat emotionally intense, although I've tried to keep the graphic details out. EDIT: really sorry if this is in the wrong section - please let me know if I should take it down!

I was sexually abused by my brother as a child and dealt with a lot of internalised self-worth issues as a result. Then, when I started seeing boys for the first time I had lots of troubles because I could never just stick with one (although they were all one at a time) and wasn't great at vetting them, so I had several toxic relationships with some of the guys in my friend group. Lots of control issues, about my body and behavior, which I wasn't taking sitting down, so each relationship didn't last long but then at some point after dumping the last boyfriend, they banded together and decided I was the problem. The one guy I was still friends with, who I kind of regretted dumping because he was the nicest out of all of them, was the one to break the news that I would have no friends going into second year of college.

Fast forward to third year of college, I was still hoping to be friends with the one nice dude (ND) and after some spotty messaging back and forth over the first semester, I invited him to my birthday party. He came over, sat on his phone in a corner the entire time, but then while we were all in the living room after dinner watching a movie, he started getting touchy feely and holding my hand and things. At the time, it was quite sweet (now it puts a pit into my stomach) and then everyone else left organically as the gathering came to a close. He claimed to be too tired/drunk to get home so I let him stay over but put him on the couch. After half an hour, he knocked on my door and I let him in but I was tired and we had slept in the same bed before so I didn't really see a problem with letting him sleep on my bed. He started putting his hands in places but I wasn't interested so I didn't respond in the hopes that he would stop and go to sleep. He continued for more than an hour (maybe two hours) and I kept just waiting for him to stop but when it became apparent to me that he wouldn't without active intervention from myself, I decided to just get it over with. He had the audacity to ask me "should I stop?" when I turned over and I was so angry at the time that I hissed at him (in my culture it's a common sound of displeasure, in context it meant something like "shut up, you're the one who assaulted me this long and now you're putting on the brakes?" - it felt like he'd already run me over so what's the point of asking if he should stop, right?). So yeah, it was unfulfilling and frankly quite scarring psychologically and towards the end I just lay there and didn't participate anymore because I wanted it to be over but this idiot couldn't even finish himself off and afterwards left the apartment looking uncomfortable.

I saw him once a year after this happened (incidentally the next day I got sick and had a fever that kept me unconscious for most of the day but idk if that's relevant to us meeting) and we pretended it hadn't happened because it was mixed company. Never saw him again and this year (three years after our last meeting) I finally got around to blocking him off my social media sites completely.

I've been seeing a therapist for about two years now and only recently came to the realisation that something was very very wrong with this scenario and that I had been assaulted. But the question, I guess, is how much of it was assault? I know it's probably not something I should dwell on but it feels like I can't stop blaming myself for the latter part of the experience (having sex with him) because it was definitely a conscious decision on my part, even if it may have been just a disastrous way of coping with having been molested again. Was it rape? Can I and should I place all the blame on him? Does he even know what he did? Should I confront him? (gut says hard no on that one)

After coming to this realisation I've been becoming increasingly wary of any guys that come in my vicinity whether or not they know me personally. Today, I was doing laundry and my neighbor came in - I kept having flashes of imagined assault even though I haven't ever been subjected to forceful rape or assault (which I know is a little contradictory but the facts are that what I was imagining - being held down, slammed, etc. - and what happened to me were not the same thing). I just want to figure out how I can get past this. I love my therapist, but he is a bit wary of giving me labels so I'm kind of in limbo where I love talking to him and working out my problems but I don't feel like I have a real diagnosis.

Sorry for the long story! Reading some other people's stories has definitely helped me with my own issues, but I felt like a lot of the problem with my situation is that it's not cut so black and white and I've never seen anyone else who has been in a similar place. This is why I felt it was important to keep most of the details in.
 
Welcome to the community :D

even if it may have been just a disastrous way of coping with having been molested again.
I think you’re on the money, right here.

But I want you to consider something for a moment...

If someone is beating me up, and I can distract them by kissing them, and make them stop beating me up entirely by having sex with them...., it’s me fighting back, it’s survival. I’m using a weapon in my arsenal to make them stop hitting me. Not really any different from hitting them with a chair (or knife, or gun, lamp, running, etc.). I’ve turned to something that I think will get me out of the situation I don’t want to be in, by using sex as a weapon / sex as a self defense mechanism.

Using sex as self defense? Is one of those murky areas. And there is a HUGE spectrum of how it can go down. From straight up coercement (ie Rape/Sexual Assault) where they’re beating me (or whatever it is they’ve chosen to coerce me with... like putting my kid in foster care, or keeping me locked in a room with no food/water/heat/etc., or withholding medicine from my sick sister, or trafficking my best friend, or, or, or, or,)up until I “agree” :rolleyes: >>> to being coerced by one person to have sex with another who is completely unaware of my being coerced >>> All the way up to sex was the LAST thing on their mind, I introduced the subject, and used it to get what I wanted, no matter how much I didn’t want to have sex with them.

NONE of these situations is kosher.

It’s not like... if it was a violent premeditated rape then it’s their fault and bad & if not then it’s my fault and no big deal. It’s not black and white like that. And life? Is rarely that simple. Sure, it’s “nice” when it’s clear cut black and white “easy” to stick in a nice neat little box... but life? Gets complicated.

Let’s look at 2 best case scenarios

1. Guy is a sexual predator who raped you (clear cut and simple)
2. Guy has the seduction skills of the average 20yo -lousy- and thinks he spent 2 whole hours in foreplay making sure you were as ready as he was, waited until you moved on him, and then even touched base with you during & after, attempting for that continuous “yes” consent everyone tries to instill in their sons. (He tried to do his best by you).

They’re both best case scenarios in completely opposite/different ways.

But neither scenario changes all the complicated murky part of your OWN reactions, right? Because that part stays painful/confusing/f*cked up regardless of where HIS head was at, or what his intentions were.

It has zip zero nada zilch to do with blame, and everything to do with your history meeting your present and you not liking the end result. Because with your history it leaves you confused as to what HIS intentions were, right? If you’d been “Yo, hands off” in the beginning would he have blushed and apologised and been mortified? Or tried to go all DonJuan? Or gotten mean or violent? ...or the inverse... Could you have actually had fun, and had a friend become a lover become a boyfriend?

That confusion, the not knowing? The trying to figure out what was you (try minusing the blame, seriously) and what was him and what was your past and what was the present and, and, and, and? All the questions and trying to figure out what happened and why? That’s not wrong. It’s smart. Because, yeah, it’s murky. But something doesn’t have to have a clear cut answer (rapist vs fumbling kid who tried to do his best by you) to be real, or to cause problems, or be f*cked up. Complicated is okay. Life is complicated.

Regardless of what HIS intent was that night? I reeeeeeally want you to give yourself some props. You found yourself in a situation that you got yourself out of the best way you knew how. From start to finish. From ignoring him, to deciding to have sex with him, to shaming him into leaving by refusing to participate, to hissing at him... you got rid of a guy you didn’t want in your bed. Nope. It’s not how you want to get yourself out of situations in the future, but your past self did the best she knew how. Which is giving your present self insight into what went wrong, so your future self can be confident and secure. That’s GOOD stuff, from a f*cked up situation.
 
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Welcome to the community :D


I think you’re on the money, right here.

But I want you to consider something for a moment...

If someone is beating me up, and I can distract them by kissing them, and make them stop beating me up entirely by having sex with them...., it’s me fighting back, it’s survival. I’m using a weapon in my arsenal to make them stop hitting me. Not really any different from hitting them with a chair (or knife, or gun, lamp, running, etc.). I’ve turned to something that I think will get me out of the situation I don’t want to be in, by using sex as a weapon / sex as a self defense mechanism.

Using sex as self defense? Is one of those murky areas. And there is a HUGE spectrum of how it can go down. From straight up coercement (ie Rape/Sexual Assault) where they’re beating me (or whatever it is they’ve chosen to coerce me with... like putting my kid in foster care, or keeping me locked in a room with no food/water/heat/etc., or withholding medicine from my sick sister, or trafficking my best friend, or, or, or, or,)up until I “agree” :rolleyes: >>> to being coerced by one person to have sex with another who is completely unaware of my being coerced >>> All the way up to sex was the LAST thing on their mind, I introduced the subject, and used it to get what I wanted, no matter how much I didn’t want to have sex with them.

NONE of these situations is kosher.

It’s not like... if it was a violent premeditated rape then it’s their fault and bad & if not then it’s my fault and no big deal. It’s not black and white like that. And life? Is rarely that simple. Sure, it’s “nice” when it’s clear cut black and white “easy” to stick in a nice neat little box... but life? Gets complicated.

Let’s look at 2 best case scenarios

1. Guy is a sexual predator who raped you (clear cut and simple)
2. Guy has the seduction skills of the average 20yo -lousy- and thinks he spent 2 whole hours in foreplay making sure you were as ready as he was, waited until you moved on him, and then even touched base with you during & after, attempting for that continuous “yes” consent everyone tries to instill in their sons. (He tried to do his best by you).

They’re both best case scenarios in completely opposite/different ways.

But neither scenario changes all the complicated murky part of your OWN reactions, right? Because that part stays painful/confusing/f*cked up regardless of where HIS head was at, or what his intentions were.

It has zip zero nada zilch to do with blame, and everything to do with your history meeting your present and you not liking the end result. Because with your history it leaves you confused as to what HIS intentions were, right? If you’d been “Yo, hands off” in the beginning would he have blushed and apologised and been mortified? Or tried to go all DonJuan? Or gotten mean or violent? ...or the inverse... Could you have actually had fun, and had a friend become a lover become a boyfriend?

That confusion, the not knowing? The trying to figure out what was you (try minusing the blame, seriously) and what was him and what was your past and what was the present and, and, and, and? All the questions and trying to figure out what happened and why? That’s not wrong. It’s smart. Because, yeah, it’s murky. But something doesn’t have to have a clear cut answer (rapist vs fumbling kid who tried to do his best by you) to be real, or to cause problems, or be f*cked up. Complicated is okay. Life is complicated.

Regardless of what HIS intent was that night? I reeeeeeally want you to give yourself some props. You found yourself in a situation that you got yourself out of the best way you knew how. From start to finish. From ignoring him, to deciding to have sex with him, to shaming him into leaving by refusing to participate, to hissing at him... you got rid of a guy you didn’t want in your bed. Nope. It’s not how you want to get yourself out of situations in the future, but your past self did the best she knew how. Which is giving your present self insight into what went wrong, so your future self can be confident and secure. That’s GOOD stuff, from a f*cked up situation.


I think I'm going to print this out and put it on my wall so I can look at it from time to time and remind myself that I did the best that I could at the time and that you said this knowing all of the details (I've confided in friends before but they didn't hear me out fully before saying it wasn't my fault - didn't feel real if they didn't know why I thought it was complex). Thank you so much. I've been crying on and off for a couple of days now, but just now I was emotional for a different reason.

I think one of the biggest reasons this still sticks by me is that I don't know what his intentions are and no matter how much people tell me his intentions don't matter, I can't help but think that knowing his intentions might help me get over my trust issues with relationships now. In terms of the self-blame, yes it doesn't matter because I did my best, but in terms of understanding that I can have healthy relationships (where I know that not all people will hurt me rather than "know" if you get what I mean)... I dunno. I still get the urge to tell him about it sometimes. Maybe figure things out to the point where I feel safe around guys again. I have guy friends but am hypervigilant about pushing off any romantic advances, even if they themselves don't have any interest. It often gets me misunderstood as a narcissist, I think. But that's just something I take in stride (and so what if I feel comfortable with feeling attractive? after long bouts of being deterred from going out with makeup on and cutting my hair off and not wearing skirts, being comfortable with feeling attractive is something I've worked very hard on! label me a narcissist, who cares).

Anyways, rant aside, thanks again for your lengthy response. It's just what I needed after a weekend of trying to stave off tears for long enough that I can get some assignments done. I was really worrying about how I was going to get through this week while feeling so down, but now it feels like I can at least be a little more functional.
 
Welcome to the theater of the damned. What I'm seeing right now? It's not just intimate relationships where this is going on with me. It's everywhere. The problem I see is this and I ran it up the flagpole last week not with the therapist but with an old neighbor walking on the beach. She was telling me how she'd been bitten by a loose dog on the beach.

It's not my thinking where this is going on it's my feelings, which is why it's SO hard trying to think my way out of it, write my way out of it, reason my way out of it.

Trying to deal rationally, right brain thinking, if then else reasoning. It's in my body I think.

I'm trying to stop all this. I'm trying not to participate. IDK what else to do.
 
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