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Need to stop feeling worthless

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I struggle with feeling worthless and ashamed a lot. My parents were both pretty hard core alcoholics, and both of them were sexually assaulted when I was little. My Dad also had PTSD that was never treated, and depression.

He would go off for weeks at a time and leave my Mom and I while he went on drinking binges and lived on the street with homeless people. He was living in a park when he was sexually assaulted by a man in the bathroom. My Mom was sexually assaulted more than once by different people while drinking and never reported any of them...mostly because she was afraid my Dad would find out.

There was also pretty extreme violence between my parents, and I was taken away and put into a few different foster homes by Child Protective Services. One of the foster homes was very abusive...physically and emotionally, but not sexually at least.

Alcohol can turn good people into monsters. I was never molested or sexually assaulted, however, I am so traumatized that these things happened to my parents. They are good people, they were just really screwed up. My Dad unfortunately drank himself to death when I was eleven. My Mom did stop drinking when I was in high school, but has struggled with pretty severe depression my whole life. I am terrified of men, and have never even had a boyfriend, and sometimes I feel like such a worthless freak. Like who has things like that happen in their family?

Neither Me or my Mom have ever gotten over the trauma and shame of our past. I've felt so isolated for a long time, and my Mom has isolated herself from family and friends. We both have serious anxiety. I know we are not worthless people, but I just feel like such dirty trash sometimes...like we can't do anything right...and I want to stop feeling that way. We are not worthless, now I hope we can both get it together, overcome our past, and believe it.
 
You are NOT worthless. It is strange that I can adamantly say that to you ... but not to myself?

I really understand your comment: "Like who has things like that happen in their family?"

Coming from a background of bizarre experiences I can tell you that you are not alone! It is tough to feel like an oddity in a world where normalcy is expected. And yes ... you ARE good people!

Your traumas do not diminish your worth ... nor do your struggles as a result of those traumas diminish your worth. You value human life and dignity ... you have compassion for your family ... these qualities demonstrate more worth than you are giving yourself credit for!
 
Welcome LoveIsHealing, your name says a lot. :)

You already have overcome your past- you're here, there's only 'now'. You just have to give yourselves credit, not feel ashamed and please be kind to yourselves. Schedule 'fun time' in for yourselves and hold your heads high. I agree with the above, those are amazing qualities! Add in bravery, perseverence, understanding (and many more.. :) )

I hope you will find much help and support here!
 
...I feel like such a worthless freak. Like who has things like that happen in their family?

Welcome to the forum LoveIsHealing!
You will find out that many of us here, had similair things happen in their families.

To experience, and live for a long time in such ongoing chaos and extreme circumstances, can make it hard to connect to other people who never experienced something like that.

My reaction is the same as yours, I feel shame ( and somehow responsible) about the circumstances I grew up in. It is to bad that we feel this way about it, after all it wasnt our choice to grow up under that set of circumstances.

I found out it is mostly me, who is preventing real connection towards other people, most people whom I share my story with are not repulsed or something like that, they mostly feel genuinly sorry for me.
Wich I would feel to, if someone had a bizarre upbringing.

The shame and guilt can be so debillitating...

I hope you will some relief and support here!
 
LoveisHealing,

Welcome to the forum.

I grew up with one alcoholic parent that had untreated PTSD and Depression (according to doctors) and a co-dependent, overly-critical mother. I grew up feeling ashamed and worthless; (was told that I was worthless, ..many times over).

In the process of workin through my adult child (acoa) issues, I was able to free myself of the guilt and shame and I found that my worth is priceless...a far cry from what I had previously believed about myself! I hope you too get to this point along your healing journey. It is sad that we have had to suffer, but there is hope....

...and may you also find peace, comfort and happiness along the way.

Best wishes,
LH
 
How did you do that?

I spent years working through severe, prolonged child sexual abuse and adult child issues with a trauma specialist/therapist and went to ACOA meetings (a 12-step program).

I was fortunate enough to have a very good therapist and to live in city with a research center especially for PTSD.

It took a lot of blind faith at first that it would get better and that was hard, and it was a slow process, but it can be done. I also had the support of the members of this forum for the past 3 years and found that to be priceless as well!!!

My best to you,
LH
 
Thank you to everyone who replied and thank you for all the encouraging things said. "Kimpersonal", when you said you can tell other people they are not worthless, but have a hard time thinking that of yourself, I know what you mean...but it's silly isn't it? I don't believe anyone in this world is worthless, and certainly not viewed as worthless by the Universe and God. But sometimes it's so hard to convince yourself that you are worthy, which we all are, and I know this...it's just emotions are a bit tricky.

I get so angry and frustrated with myself, that I have actually slapped and hit myself...which makes me feel like a crazy person. And then I feel so guilty for treating myself that way, because I know it's wrong. Really, we should love ourselves unconditionally.

My Mom and I have made so many irrational decicions (financially and otherwise)...it's like we just were in a constant panic and couldn't think straight. Does that make sense? We are trying to get it together and have both started going to see therapists, and I am hoping it will really help. We should have done something to help ourselves a long time ago, but I guess sometimes it just takes longer and you have to forgive yourself for being so confused for so long.We are ALL doing the best we can, and have to remember to love ourselves and have patience even though it's hard to put into practice sometimes.

It does help to talk about it, and it's good to know there are other people who are also working on overcoming emotional obsticles and have similar feelings. :)
 
I think you have a lot more worth than people who do not know how to love. Worthless? What is love worth? If you have that in your heart, then you are golden. Lots of people would be lucky to walk in the shadow of the dust you kick up every time you dig your heals in with each stride you take forward.
 
You are not worthless and you are also not responsible for what happened to your parents. You have had enough hardship of your own. I hope you can be supportive to them (if you have contact) and let them deal with their issues and I hope they can be supportive to you because that's what they should do as parents. That's what I would do with my boys. As a parent myself I would always say that my problems are mine and their problems are mine. Does that make sense? (((hugs and healing))).
 
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